What Six Months of Unemployment And Five Months of Marriage Feels Like (Real Talk)

Today is April 16, 2018. I have been unemployed since October 16, 2017.

In the past six months, I have had one modeling shoot and a couple of freelance media projects for my church and my coffeeshop friend where I have made some money. Otherwise, nothing.

Dear Married Me,

I am not sure what people have been thinking about me during all these months (hopefully you do not spend much time thinking about me at all). What Frederick might be saying to our friends or his family, if he is worried, or what. If people think I am depressed, or in a bad place, lonely, or what. Maybe I have been a bit of all of those things. But I have also been a lot more than just lonely and seemingly lost to outsiders looking in.

First of all, just because someone is unemployed does not mean they are not trying. It does not mean they are lazy. It does not mean they are not good at things or do not have enough talent to find a job.

Second of all, unemployment does not always have to stay a bad thing. It is an incredibly eyeopening and raw place to discover yourself in (not that I necessarily wish unemployment on anyone…but if you find yourself jobless one day…). I have noticed that this increases with the amount of time you are unemployed. The first few weeks feel more like a weird vacation or a time to catch up on sleep than anything else. Once the rest gets boring and the tv gets dull, the real crap comes out.

Obviously, my unemployment is not as dire as some. I have a loving husband who has a job and an income. While we cannot go travel like we used to on a barista budget, we have enough money to pay rent each month and live a tiny little on the side. But I will say, I need to find work soon or else even rent will become daunting. Nah, let’s be real — rent is daunting right now.

My type of unemployment, frictional (when workers lose their current job and are in the process of finding another one), is even still separated from other types:

cyclical (not enough aggregate demand in the economy to provide jobs for everyone who wants to work), structural (when certain industries decline because of long term changes in market conditions), voluntary (when workers choose not to work at the current equilibrium wage rate), seasonal (when certain industries only produce or distribute their products at certain times of the year), classical (when wages are ‘too’ high), regional (when structural unemployment affects local areas of an economy) — info here. There are other types like long-term and hidden unemployment, too, see here.

My point is — I know my situation is not as bad as some. Unemployment is a freaking REAL and hard problem in our society. I have made many homeless, unemployed friends over my years and their stories contain hardships and stresses I will never understand or fully relate to.

So then, to me, what does six months of unemployment feel like?

It feels like a blessing and a curse to my state of mind.

There is a constant tension in my unemployment to seek contentment or seek purpose.

• allowing space to rest VS. being productive in creative ways
• trying my hand at new things VS. crafting old hobbies
• hosting visitors & being social VS. having my own introverted time
• seeing what’s around me VS. being unmotivated to explore
• thinking up new priorities VS. analyzing old ones
• being intentional with people VS. seeing how intentional they are with me
• getting things done VS. leaving things be
• feeling guilty VS. feeling content
• practicing patience VS. expressing my impatience
• allowing myself to just be VS. watching what I do with my hours alone
• observing my state of health VS. not overthinking things
• knowing what I need VS. asking for what I need
• praying in preparation for what is ahead VS. praying if nothing happens
• filling my mind with stimulating things VS. distracting myself
• reflecting on my past VS. planning for the future

I could keep going with these. As I write them out, I see the tensions all over again. Things I think are the more harmful of each pair are sometimes exactly what I need and end up being the better for me. Unemployment. I am discovering parts of myself I did not even see until time and empty space unraveled me. Next.

What does six months of unemployment feel like mixed into our five months of committed love and living together?

It feels like a blessing and a curse to our new marriage.

Overall, unemployment is giving me AMPLE time to learn how to be a better wife. And remember — I have been unemployed the ENTIRE time Frederick and I have been married. We started into our marriage this way. We did not think it would stay for this long, but here we are! So that has gotta have effects on what marriage is like. And it does.

Lately I tell people, “Marriage is hard, but good.” Haha, classic, classic line. Leaves all the juicy details out! Okay but honestly, everything we are going through, I know we have to go through it. Every couple does. So it is sort of like…“yeah this sucks now, but it will get better.” Things like:

• Scheduling sex is annoying
• Budgeting & Financing with another human is painful
• Different daily routines = Different energies & moods (SO DRASTIC with my lack of things to do and his work schedule)

A Marriage Takeaway: You have to wait on your other half to experience things and learn through those experiences in their timing, not try to force things along or skip to the end and explain lessons that will surely be learned. You cannot cheat an experience, especially for someone else. They have to own that experience, journey through it, reflect & grow along the way. Without that process, the end results are fraud and fake and flimsy. There is no time limit, however much you wish there was, that you can put on deep seeded growth and development of self.

All in all, Fred and I are excited to grow into marriage maturity together and love, love, love along the way.

Concluding

I actually wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago when I was having revelations about my life and waited until today to post. I have been getting a lot of words from people that “something is coming” and I do feel change happening, even as months go quietly by. God is always silently working in us, usually without results we can see. Usually for a long, slow time. The trick is knowing that God is present when none of the activity, transformation, growth, refining and maturing is visible. Something is coming, yes, but something has already been here for a while too. I just might not see the whole picture of this season for a long time. I am okay with that.

Love,

Caroline