What Really is the Ego? And How Do We Control it?

Ah, the ego.

It has always been a fascinating concept to me.

The traditional representation of ego is that of the rich, attractive guy who thinks he’s better than everyone else. However, the ego is a much more complex psychological issue than the way it is commonly portrayed. In fact, I would argue that the socially anxious, skinny nerd stereotype would be someone just as consumed by their ego as anyone else.

The ego is simply our identity, who we believe we are.

The ego encompasses all of our fears, our insecurities, our doubts, as well as what leads us to believe we’re better than or inferior to other people.

Having a big ego is usually represented as a bad thing, and many promote completely letting go of it with a term I have come across called ‘ego death’.

My focus has always been trying to establish a healthy relationship with my ego, and to develop the flexibility of being able to limit its influence when it suits me. As the ego is not a bad thing, simply a very delicate thing, which must be handled with care if we are to prevent it from having major negative effects on our daily mindset.

How the Ego Controls Us

We are hardwired to rank ourselves as part of a hierarchy, and our place in that hierarchy is determined by a number of factors, concerning our competence, wealth, physical appearance, among other things.

The problem with the ego is that it instinctively wants us to compare ourselves to other people. It’s all about competition, it wants to evaluate others, and their positions in society, and hence calculate where we rank compared to them.

This is a biological evolution which is not exactly ideal for health, happiness, and success in our modern world. Ideal it may have been in simpler times, when man was ruled simply by the desire to reproduce, and hierarchies were much more clear-cut than they are today. The biggest and strongest were at the top, and the rest had to fight for the scraps. So being better than the competition was essential for survival.

But in our modern, civilised world. Basing our self-worth on how we compare to everyone else is not going to benefit many people. In my opinion, the complexity of our lives has increased tenfold in the last say, 20–30 years, and our psychology hasn’t had anywhere near the time it requires to fully adapt to our changing world.

We still look at the tall, rich, handsome guy who runs his own successful business, when consumed by the ego, as better than us. But maybe this guy cries himself to sleep every night because of work-related stress, or maybe he’s hooked on pills, and has hourly anxiety attacks.

My point is, if we listen to our ego, and allow it to consume us totally, we are listening to an outdated, counterproductive, and demeaning system for living in the 21st century.

So, aside from escaping from society altogether, and retreat to an isolated cabin in the Scottish highlands, how do we deal with the ego? How can we reach a healthy equilibrium between the motivation that our ego can give us, and the toxic mindset it can poison us with?

The key is self-reflection, and balance.

How do We Control the Ego?

Controlling the ego is essentially being able to suppress and overcome our biological hardwiring. So it’s definitely not something we can achieve overnight. However, with a switch in mindset and focus, we can extract the advantages of the ego, without letting it push us over the edge.

My personal battle with my ego was a long, hard-fought duel, where land was gained and lost with each passing day.

Sometimes the ego would lead me to think I was useless because I wasn’t as funny as one of my friends, other times it would lead me not to continue following my passion of learning foreign languages, because I was already better than everyone in my class, or so I thought.

No matter how you look at it, the idea of placing yourself into a hierarchy, and comparing yourself to others, does no good to your mental health, or your success.

I learnt over time that the biggest mistake I could make was focusing on how other people were doing things rather than focusing on myself. More specifically, thinking about how I can be better than the person I was yesterday. Seeing the progress that we make over time is one of the most encouraging and motivating things for us.

So instead of comparing myself to other people, I decided to start comparing myself to who I was a year ago, or a week ago, or yesterday, and look at the progress I had made. This led me to keep on pushing, to be better than my former self, and this is what motivated me every day. I don’t look at someone else and envy their situation, but instead try to think about how much work they probably put in to get there, and mentally congratulate them for their efforts.

I have taken on board a simple spiritual exercise, that I try to perform as often as I can to control the ego. This is an exercise that Anthony de Mello discusses in his book “Awareness”.

One must separate the ‘Me’ and the ‘I’. The ‘Me’ is our identity, everything to do with our place in society. The ‘Me’ contains all of our achievements, our goals, and our insecurities.

The ‘I’ however, is simply who we are in this moment. The ‘I’ recognises that we are equal to every other being that lives on this earth, that we were born the same, and we will die the same. We are simply alive, on this earth, and nothing else matters.

The exercise is about distancing yourself from the ‘Me’ every once in a while. Trying to be more present, and completely silencing the ego, even just for a brief moment.