what quarantine has taught me about happiness

it’s a lot simpler than I thought

I remember meeting a sailor in Aswan, Egypt named Mohamed and I kept wondering, in my spoiled little head, how can he be happy with such simple things? How can he be content sitting in his galibiya*, watching the water, waiting for the sun to say its goodbyes and the night sky to greet him? Isn’t he antsy? Doesn’t he want more out of life? Foolishly, I felt bad for him, and felt that I was in the better position because I had the life in America; I had the clothes and the potential future of a suburb house and a nice, fancy car.

Now with the stay-at-home order, I started really thinking about the things that matter. The things that make me happy are surprisingly simple, complicated only when I compare my life to others or get stressed thinking about what “society” “expects” of me (i.e. to get my life together by 25, buy a nice house and car, have a family by 30, etc.). The things that make me happy look a lot like a cup of coffee, a book, and the people I love around me.

As a young person growing up in hustle culture, I still aspire for a lot. But ever since the quarantine I’ve had the time to notice more things. For instance, I’ve been noticing my mother’s laughter, the sound of several little heartbeats.

And before now, I’ve never really had the time in the morning to watch the sky crack open, peeled back by the sun’s light.

And now I see my brother and his height. My God, he’s tall. We are no longer the small children that stared up at adulthood with intimidation and denied we’d ever make it. We’re here, we’re adults, and we’re scared but we can do it.

Every day I am learning more about myself, the one person I’ll have put up with for the rest of my life (and may God help me, because I am a handful and very clumsy). But I get time for reflection, and in the silence I find clarity. In the silence, I’ve found myself, the woman I keep losing and keep trying to bring back to center.

I’m not saying this quarantine is only about self-discovery. A lot of people are suffering and are in pain in many ways. Not only mentally, but also emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I pray all of that pain ends.

I’m only saying that I hadn’t noticed how the sky flushes pink like it does these days. In the morning, the birds call to each other, echoing each other’s songs, like a prayer. And I miss seeing strangers at the grocery store, in the streets, at coffee shops. But when I do see them, I actually see them. And our smiles are much different. Our smiles look like relief, like thankfulness.

I came to explore the wreck. The words are purposes. The words are maps. I came to see the damage that was done and the treasures that prevail.

-Adrienne Rich

**galibiya = traditional garment worn by Egyptian men and women; can be colorful but often with men, it is uniformly white or black**