What Not To Say To Someone Dealing With Trauma: Lessons in Empathy

Please, for once, don’t tell me everything is going to be fine.

Three days ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease. It’s an auto-immune disorder where the body’s own immunity attacks the production of thyroid hormone. Two days ago, I started my thyroid supplement (they insist on calling it a supplement). I’m going to have to take it for the rest of my life.

Now, let me confess that I freak out over my health. I mean it. I work out 5 times a week. I’m a big walker. I track my nutrition. I eat healthy, home-cooked meals and what-have-you. Basically, I go the extra mile for fitness.

Naturally, I’ve been pretty cut up since I discovered about my hypothyroidism. This has been going on for couple of months. Apparently, thyroid is a moody hormone and they take months of blood tests before they conclude its status. Then, three days ago — bam. Auto-immune disease. The works. You know how the brain goes crazy over bad news.

Meanwhile, my friends and family also got to know about this. Let me tell you that my diagnosis hasn’t affected me as much as people’s colorful comments and responses have. For a specie whose signature strength is ‘social communication’, humans are pretty deaf and dumb on how to navigate through difficult conversations.

That’s why I am writing down this guide on what not to say to someone who’s received some bad news or is generally going through trauma:

1. You’ll Be Fine

The only time it’s actually okay to say this is if I’m in your arms bawling my eyes out. Short of that, never.

Of course you mean well. Of course you want me to feel better. Of course you’re probably just trying to help. But I can’t tell you how many times people, well-meaning people, repeat insensitive crap like this:

Oh, don’t worry. It’s gonna be just fine.

Oh, this is nothing. It’s nothing. It’s just a small hitch.

There are so many remedies for it nowadays.

I’ll tell you why these statements are unhelpful.

Every suffering person knows, at some level, that things will probably turn out alright. If not now, then eventually. But right now, their mind is reeling with confusion, panic and just pure grief.

What we want to hear is a validation of our struggle. But when you insist that ‘everything will be fine’, it belittles the issue we’re struggling with. We feel as if problem is not important enough. Or, worse, that probably we are overreacting.

This kind of attitude further isolates your friend / co-worker / acquaintance who is already treading the edge of sanity. This is why most people don’t like to talk about, or even admit, their problems.

What they need is empathy.

And over and above everything else I’m going to say in this piece; empathizing with a sad person cannot be about you, or what you think is best for them. Empathy is all about the sufferer — what they need right now, and how ordinary statements might sound insensitive and demeaning to them in that moment.

Empathy is not a noun. It’s a verb, an action.

So here’s what you do to show real empathy ~ give them company, take them out for a coffee, or just sit with them and listen. Nod, and say, yes, I understand your grief. Rephrase their sentences and hand these back to them with a look of understanding.

And when you feel like saying ‘you’ll be fine’, try to phrase it like a question.

‘But will you be fine, in the long term, I mean?’ ‘I’m worried about you. Will you be alright?’

2. Be Brave

I roll my eyes every single time someone has asked me to be brave. In my mind, I’m like~please shut up.

The first truth of Buddhism is that life is suffering (dukha). That makes living itself an act of bravery. And here I am going about my day with a brain that is doing somersaults over the fact that I’ll have to take some pill for the rest of my life. A part of me is still reeling from all the possibilities that could have caused this disease, while another part of me is just trying to grapple with the sentence: ‘there is no known cause for an auto-immune disorder’.

Nowadays, I peer into mirrors and thoughts flash into my brain like meteor strikes. I appraise my body and think ~ but I look so fit. I track my calories. I work out 5 days a week. I’ve doing Yoga since college. I mean, how could this happen to me?

Be Brave, then, translates to my muddled mind as — Stop whining. Get over your little problems. Don’t be dramatic.

So, before you ask me to be brave, just stop and ask yourself — are you asking me to be brave, or are you asking yourself to be brave about something? Maybe it is this awkward conversation. Or the scary realization that healthy people just randomly slapped with diseases. Or how helpless and ‘not in control’ we humans really are.

Now, let’s look at this from another angle. Go out on the street and look at the people around you. Have you ever wondered how many of these people must be grieving or dealing with an unspeakable trauma? Going about their day, getting a morning coffee, walking back from work, or just taking their kid to the park.

The fact that grieving people showing up for life, day after day, is an act of courage.

It’s my belief that people keep asking grieving people to be brave because it fits their version of the ideal World. But the ideal World does not exist. And once again, you don’t want to make an unhappy person uncomfortable.

True empathy is an act of seeing it from the eyes of the other person. Doing unto others what you would have done to you.

Now, would you like me to ask you to ‘just toughen up’ or ‘be brave’?

3. Cheer Up (and Options)

The first rule of empathy is not try to cheer up the other person. The first rule of that rule is to never, ever, actually use the phrase ‘Cheer Up’.

Here are some other variations of Cheer Up I’ve heard, and hated:

Be positive. Look on the bright side. Atleast your symptoms are manageable. Atleast it’s not painful. Atleast you haven’t gained weight.

And my favourite, It Could Have Been Something Much Worse.

Sometime back, I met with a friend who had told me that she was expecting. When I saw her, I quickly noticed that she wasn’t pregnant anymore. After a while, I tried to broach the subject when she told me that she had miscarried. Then, she said that she didn’t want to talk about it. I could see that she was close to tears. So, I said ‘Alright’ and we continued our conversation about general stuff.

Suddenly, she confessed that an aunt had called her and said, ‘Doesn’t matter. You’ll have another baby.’

And she said, “But I don’t want another baby. I want that baby. Doesn’t anyone get that?”

That moment has been stuck inside my chest ever since.

Just before she left, I hugged my friend and said that I was very upset over her loss. Naturally, I didn’t cry until I was inside my car.

Forcing someone to cheer someone up, with even the best of intentions, can wreak havoc in their souls.

If you really want to cheer someone up, do it with your actions. Gauge what they want and follow their lead. Ask them out for lunch or go for a movie. Try talking about normal stuff. Check up on them every now and then.

One of my closest friends has started sending me an audio notes everyday telling me all about her day and asking me about mine. Now it’s become like a ritual between us and the string of audio notes soothes me like a steaming mug of peppermint tea.

Out of the blue, another friend said that he has been doing Loving and Kindness meditation for my health. I was so touched.

These are the kind of actions that have some real capacity to brighten a sad person’s day.

4. What We Overlook

One important factor that most people overlook is that a lot of us are already dealing with so many ongoing mindset issues. And this is the most insidious part that everybody ignores about people who are stuck with trauma.

You tend to overlook those other, ongoing private troubles that are already a part of these people: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, control issues, hypochondria, isolation, Highly Sensitive Persons, etc.

All of us are crazy in some little, obscure way.

I am an HSP who struggles with generalized anxiety. At my worst, I am a jumpy over-thinker. Since my diagnosis, I have days where I’m enveloped by this dark grey mood and it can last a whole day. Empathy, then, becomes an act of generosity from you — allowing me to take as much time to overcome my dark thoughts and return into logic.

Taking into account the possibility of another person’s flawed mental make-up is a crucial aspect of empathy. And that’s why your tone really matters when you’re talking to those dealing with trauma. ‘What you say’ and ‘how to say it weigh’ equally into the conversation.

Here I’ve recreated some empathic variations of regular sympathetic drivel:

Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.

I understand the you’re in so much pain right now. And I really pray that things get better at your end. Listen, I’m here for you, if you want to talk about it or even if you just want to hang out.

Be Brave.

You are the last person to deserve this. And this is so overwhelming for you. But I can see that you are dealing with it grace. Hey, I’m here if do you want to talk about this, like, anytime.

How Do We Become Empathic?

Before I answer that, I want to answer the question why it is so difficult for people to act in an empathic way. The reason, according to Lori Gottlieb, is our severe lack of self-compassion. We are unable to show compassion towards another because deep down, we’re not compassionate with ourselves. And that’s probably why someone else’s grief does not make sense to us, because we haven’t been down that path with ourselves, so how can we go down that path with another?

Maybe we’re unwittingly hard or insensitive with a divorced friend or a widowed co-worker because we’re just so used to being hard on ourselves. That’s our mental pattern of dealing with difficult emotions.

And to most of us, it’s a familiar feeling to shove feelings of loss and grief under the carpet of sanctimonious sayings ~ ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ or ill-timed advice ~ ‘My cousin took this vitamin and now she’s completely fine’.

To be honest, I don’t think a response has ever solved someone’s problem. But the way you connect with a suffering person can and does help them in profound ways.

Brene Brown, in her beautiful talk on Empathy, observes, “Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling”.

The origin of Empathy is from a German word, Einfühlung, which literally translates as, ‘feeling into’. It’s not your job to make it better, or show the silver lining. Your job is to be a participating witness to someone’s unravelling.

One of the best ways to practice empathy is to develop your listening skills. Be present when you’re listening to a friend’s struggle is the best way to help them go through it. (If you’re interested, I’ve written a detailed chapter on how to use Empathy as a means for Coping With Loneliness in the Modern World.)

Remember, Empathy can never be a demand (Be Brave) or a declaration (You’ll Be Fine).

Empathy must be an act of understanding (Yes, This Is Really Bad), reassurance (I Am Witnessing Your Bravery), and where possible, companionship (I’m Down Here With You, and I’m Listening).

Let me know if you liked this piece, and I’ll write more on this topic.