Summary

The article discusses the importance of effective communication and forgiveness in maintaining friendships when facing conflicts or hurt feelings.

Abstract

The article "What NOT To Do If A Friend Hurts You" delves into the common pitfalls that can damage friendships when one party feels wronged. It emphasizes the need for open and honest communication to address issues as they arise, rather than avoiding confrontation or abruptly ending the relationship. The author advises against letting grievances build up like a "dormant volcano" and instead suggests having difficult conversations to foster growth and understanding. The piece also cautions against the impulse to "cut and run" from a friendship at the first sign of trouble, as this can prevent both parties from learning and evolving. Forgiveness is highlighted as a crucial element in preserving friendships and personal well-being, as it allows individuals to move past mistakes and set healthy boundaries. The author reflects on personal experience, noting that past betrayals can cloud judgment and lead to prematurely severing valuable connections. Ultimately, the article encourages readers to give friends a chance to make amends and to be mindful of how their actions can impact others, promoting personal growth and stronger relationships.

Opinions

Confrontation is often feared and avoided, leading to a buildup of unresolved issues that can harm a friendship.
It is important to communicate openly and vulnerably, engaging in difficult conversations to prevent misunderstandings and allow for personal growth.
Cutting someone out of your life should not be the first response to conflict; it steals the opportunity for growth and reconciliation.
Forgiveness is key to maintaining friendships and personal peace, as it acknowledges that everyone makes mistakes.
Friendships are valuable and should not be discarded easily, especially as one ages and realizes their rarity.
Past experiences should not blindly dictate current relationships; it's important to differentiate between past betrayals and present situations.
By giving friends the chance to take ownership of their actions and learn, both parties can improve their relationship and themselves.

What NOT To Do If A Friend Hurts You

from friends to strangers…or not?

“I don’t need or want you in my life. I’m done.”

My heart dropped as I read the final words of her text.

The heat of my body rose to my ears. I was hurt and confused. There had been no indication of any issue between Ava and I.

But apparently I had done wrong — even good friends make bad decisions.

You ever made a mistake? Mistakes are a part of life. It’s how we learn and grow.

It hurts when a friend disappoints you…you might think it better to just pull the plug.

But if the friendship means anything to you, here are some do’s and don’ts to preserve your relationship while respecting your boundaries and helping you both grow.

Don’t Be a Dormant Volcano

The reality is most people fear confrontation. It makes us feel anxious and uncomfortable so we avoid it.

The problem is we let annoyances, grievances, and hurts pile up creating a layer of hot lava within us….just waiting to explode.

People can’t read your mind.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and have difficult conversations. It may seem easier to just shove it down, ignore it, or slowly withdraw and fade out of someone’s life…but no one grows that way. It’s cowardice.

Keep a channel of communication open by talking about issues as they come up.

Do your best to do it in person or at least on a phone call. Don’t just block them or send a text — it's too easy to misconstrue a text vs. reading body language, hearing tonality, and seeing facial expressions in person.

If someone isn’t receptive to your feelings and those difficult conversations, then you’ll know that’s probably not a friend you want in your life. But give them a chance to prove that to you.

Don’t Grab Your Scissors

As you get older you realize just how chaotic life is. Everyone is absorbed in their own problems and sometimes it's hard to see outside of yourself.

When you decide to just cut and run, you steal an opportunity for someone else to grow.

You don’t have to forget but forgiveness saves your own heart and suffering. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone messes up. If we just cut everyone out for it, we’d have no one left.

Besides, that’s what friendship is about — making one another better. You do that by challenging each other, holding each to a higher standard, and offering perspectives that help the other grow.

When you face upsets, confusion, and challenges in your friendship and you work through it together — that’s also how you set boundaries and come to understand what the people in your life need and want in your relationships with them. Communication is key.

And if someone can’t or is unwilling to give you what you need (or continues to repeat a behavioral pattern) then you can walk away with a sense of inner peace and self-respect.

Don’t Be Blinded By The Past

Often we cut and run to protect ourselves. Maybe we’ve experienced similar pain in the past and we don’t want to give it any chance of coming back for us.

While it’s important to be wary of red flags (and it really is), also be wary of bringing the past into the present.

Sometimes our past can color reality with a dark grim fog preventing us from seeing clearly. We make assumptions and lose the chance at having something good in our life.

My friend Ava had a bad experience in the past with a friend who betrayed her trust and let a man come between their friendship.

Our issue is nowhere close to that — I have NO desire for any man she’s interested in but her past betrayals have created a deep distrust in others and a habit of swiftly cutting people off because she doesn’t want to experience that kind of pain again.

However, cutting a friend like me out of her life keeps her from the kind of connection she actually wants — and that will hurt her.

Keep the lessons of your past experiences in mind but understand how your past might trigger you and influence your perspective. History might not be repeating itself — don’t make assumptions.

Good friendships are hard to find. The older you get, you realize this — especially as you start to lose friends in your late 20s/early 30s.

If someone is valuable to you, don’t be so quick to give up.

Whether or not Ava and I stay friends, I’m now more sensitive to how my actions can hurt others. This helps me move forward and allows me to grow as a person and in other relationships in my life.

Give people a chance. A chance to take ownership. To learn. To be better. For you and for them.