What No One Warned Me Of Before I Started HRT
The secret chocolate connection. And yes, you can share.
When I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) as part of my MTF transition two years ago, I researched all of the possible effects. I was trying to find any possible reason to reject being transgender and my need to transition.
I was desperate.
I was looking for any way out but my gender dysphoria was about to teach me, yet again, that defiance was futile. Obviously I still had a lot to learn.
I did learn that estrogen-based HRT increased the risk of certain serious conditions, including:
-A blood clot in a deep vein (deep vein thrombosis) or in a lung (pulmonary embolism)
-High triglycerides, a type of fat (lipid) in your blood.
-Gallstones.
-Weight gain.
-Elevated liver function tests.
-Decreased libido.
-Erectile dysfunction.
-Infertility.
And, oh yeah, heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, and cancer. What a packaged deal! Anyone who continues to doubt the power of gender dysphoria needs to reread that list again. We don’t have a choice! Doesn’t that deadly list prove the point. I started HRT two years ago even after reading that list at least a dozen times.
As part of the package, you will experience body fat redistribution (more fat on buttocks, hips, thighs, face), decreased libido, decreased spontaneous erections and a shrinking of the testes. In addition, those taking estrogen have reported:
-feeling more emotional and more in touch with their feelings
-crying more easily
-mood swings
-depression or sadness
And then there is what estrogen does not do:
-change a person’s bone structure
-change a person’s height
-stop the growth of facial hair or eliminate a beard
-cause male pattern balding on the scalp to grow back
- raise the pitch of the voice to a higher level
Or in other words, it doesn’t solve any of the major issues you need to resolve in order to pass.
So why did I do it?
Only someone who is cisgender would ask that question. We have to go back to gender dysphoria. It is a monster that grows inside your head. It consumes your thoughts 24/7. Why? Because you were born with an incongruence between your gender, which is wired in your brain, and your sex, defined by your physical genitalia. You were born transgender. The monster is fertilized by testosterone and the society we are raised in. Eventually, over time, that monster breaks free of all your attempts at restraining it and it drives you to transition in order to save your life or at the very least your sanity and peace. It is your brain screaming to fix the incongruence created at birth. It places that need over all other social obligations.
That’s why.
On the positive side, yes there are some positives, HRT helps:
-Make gender dysphoria less severe.
-Reduce psychological and emotional distress.
-Improve psychological and social functioning.
-Improve quality of life.
It also helps your breast grow, reduces body hair and makes your skin so much softer and smoother. The physical changes help you see and feel the reality of transitioning. It is so important to help you accept the reality of your transitioning.
BUT OH MY GOD!!!
One of the other side effects that is never, ever pointed out is that you develop this crushing need for chocolates. This one caught me totally by surprise! I don’t care if its Godiva, Lindt or M&Ms, I just need to have it. Don’t get me started on red wine!
It is worth HRT just for that! I can almost justify gender dysphoria…ok that’s going a bit too far but where was my warning? How could the internet be so sloppy and miss that much needed information?
I am setting the record straight. Be prepared. I now have to set aside money in my transitioning budget to cover this new, all-consuming need.
So, I am warning you, if you start HRT, make sure you have a supply of chocolate. You may have to buy in bulk and don’t forget the right wine pairing. Your life will depend on it…. not really but it does add a wonderful dimension to transitioning doesn’t it?
You can even share with your cisgender friends…but only if they accept you.
Emma Holiday
Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.
My writing has three specific goals:
1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.
2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.
3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.
Thank you for reading my work.
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