What No One Ever Tells You About Interracial Relationships
And some solutions about how to manage some of the challenges that you will most likely face.
One of the first interracial relationships portrayed on screen was Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner. In this 1960’s film, Sidney Poitier, a widowed black doctor, accompanies his white girlfriend to her parent’s house for dinner. The parents do not know that he is black until he gets there. The story recounts their surprise, biases, suspicions, and prejudices towards him.
Today, more than 50 years since that movie aired, I would like to imagine that society has changed and that there are more people accepting of interracial relationships. Hollywood portrays a lot of interracial couples these days — and one may think that they are more commonplace, more accepted. The reality is that even if there are indeed more interracial relationships than in the past, many people are still very much against mixed relationships.
I made a promise to myself very early on in my life. Skin color was not going to determine whom I fell in love with and decided to spend my life with. So much so that I have let myself be free to love the person that spoke to my heart, mind, and soul. And it so happens that that person happens to be white. We met 26 years ago, on a warm spring day in Geneva, Switzerland. We have barely left each other’s side since.
We have come across our fair share of challenges as an interracial couple. I’ll share some of those experiences here, as well as those of some of my black and brown friends. I think this gives an idea of what no one really tells you about what it’s like being in an interracial relationship.
The first point that I already touched on, is the idea that since interracial relationships are more commonplace today, they are more widely accepted. The reality is that they are not. There are many people out there who think that one should marry within one’s race. They come up with a lot of reasons as to why. These range from you shouldn’t dilute your genetic pool or culture to you are a traitor to your kind.
Interestingly, despite the clearly charged racist undertones of these comments, the people that utter them don’t see themselves as racists. They claim to be giving you advice for your own good.
The second piece of advice that I got was:
“If you have children, make sure you have a girl. As a mixed-race child, it will be easier for her to fit in”.
Here I wonder, how do these people think I can control the gender of my unborn child? I personally do not feel that life is better for a mixed-race girl than for a mixed-race boy. The intersectionality of gender can make life a whole lot more challenging for a girl, but I’ll expand on this problem in another piece.
So coming back to my point, needless to say, when you are in an interracial relationship, it is close to impossible to maintain a friendship with someone who is racist. At one point you are going to have to make the hard decision to end these friendships. Sometimes they are with people that you have known all your life, but the reality is if they don’t support your relationship now, what will happen when you have mixed-race children? If you can’t convince them to change their views on race, it’s best to do away with these friends right away. Know that you will go through the stages of grief as you say “goodbye” to people you always thought would be in your life. It’s hard.
In an interracial couple, one or other or both partners will face microaggressions. According to Kevin Nadal, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, microaggressions are defined as the everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups. For example, these can be the security guard following you around the store because he or she believes that because you are a black or brown person, you will most likely steal something. It’s the older white lady who clutches her bag more closely when she crosses you on the street. It’s the taxi driver who doesn’t stop for you because you are black. Microagressions are hurtful.
As a couple, you will spend a lot of time talking about these microaggressions and consoling and counseling each other. This is not to say that non-interracial couples don’t go through hard times. I would argue that for interracial couples, there are hard times like for everyone else, but on top of that, there is also the difficult task of processing the racism that you encounter. And in the space of a lifetime, that can be a lot. Given the systematic nature of microaggressions, they do take a toll and can affect your mental health and well-being.
I find what works best for me is telling my partner about the very hurtful microaggression incidents, not the minor ones, and talking through it. At the beginning of our relationship, we would talk about these situations for hours on end. Today, we’ll dedicate 10–20 minutes maximum talking about it. We will then push it to the back of our minds and get on with our day. The important message here is to not let someone else — especially a racist for that matter, have such a grip on our lives.
Another challenge an interracial couple may face is that you may have a child that is white-passing and another that is not. How do you explain and reconcile the way in which society treats them differently? How do you explain to one that life might be easier because of white privilege and to the other that life might be harder because they are brown? They are both your children and you love them equally. How can you explain to your children that society will not treat them equally?
In this case, talk to the children when they are older (pre-teens). Explain to them that we don’t live in a perfect world, and in this imperfect world, some people may treat you differently because they don’t like the color of your eyes, your skin, or the shape of your nose. Those people are in the wrong. I will remind them that the world keeps on changing and progressing and maybe one day, it will be a more perfect place and people will be more accepting of each other. As the children get older, adapt this story to their level of maturity. The aim is to get them to understand that they should be proud of who they are. If they face racism, ask them to speak to you, to their siblings, and to friends to help get over the experience. If they have trouble coping, you may have to seek professional help.
Another side of interracial relationships is that you cannot avoid discussions about race. You might choose to ignore the issue of race when you meet, and might continue to do so for years on end, but eventually, you will need to speak about it. Why? Because racial injustices in society — like police brutality, will make news headlines.
I know of many of my black friends who could no longer avoid this conversation with their white partners in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. Having these discussions — sometimes heated and uncomfortable ones about racism or what qualifies as racism and what does not can be emotionally challenging.
Sometimes white partners unintentionally gaslight their partners when dissecting the sensitive topic of race. They may question when their black partner tells them about a microaggression or the racism they encounter. When you are gaslit by someone you love, this can cause a lot of pain and sometimes result in protracted arguments. In worst-case scenarios, it can even put the entire relationship in peril. I think the key here is that no matter how emotionally charged the discussion gets, it is important to be respectful to one's partner. Take a break or a walk and come back to re-address the issue in a calmer state of mind.
Another challenge for interracial couples is if one or both of your families are racist. Managing your stress levels especially around the holiday season and birthdays when families are usually together is especially tough.
One way to get around this is to create your nucleus family traditions or tribe of friends with who you can spend these moments. It takes a lot of courage though — especially when your children ask you why they don’t ever see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
You and your partner have to align and agree on the narrative you want to share with your children about why their situation may be atypical. You must be careful to not portray family members in a too negative light — you never know, they may come around someday and accept your relationship and you wouldn’t want your children to hate them then.
Another thing to keep in mind is how to react if one of you is subject to a race-related physical assault. How will you manage that situation? How will you show your partner or your children your support at such a vulnerable time?
I’m not saying that this will ever happen, but in case it does or even before it does, you need to assure your partner that you will stand by them. With the growth of populist and white nationalist movements around the world, as a black person, one can feel extremely vulnerable. For me personally, knowing that my partner will stand by me and not question my version of events should I be attacked is extremely reassuring.
As much as I would not like for racism to take center-stage or any stage at all in my life, I am forced to face its reality on a daily basis. Even when I do try to forget it, it rears its ugly head — the older lady that muttered a racial slur under her breath as I walked the dogs earlier today. I’ll tell you in no matter of words: it hurt. The question that I asked myself after was: Do I tell my husband about it? Do I make that one negative experience at the start of my day dictate my whole day? No, I will not let it. But this example gives an idea about how everyday racism impacts the lives of an interracial couple.
I’ll end by saying that I write this story not to scare anyone off, but to say that if you are in an interracial relationship and this is happening to you, please realize that there are other people going through this exact same experience. There are many Facebook groups you can join to get advice and not feel alone.
Secondly, if you are at the start of an interracial relationship, you may experience some of these situations in your lifetime. This is not to say that you will — rather that you might. I am also confident that as societies evolve, people will become more accepting of interracial relationships.
I have shared a few of the experiences that one may come across if you are in an interracial relationship. I am sure that there are many others — please feel free to share your own experiences and ways of managing them in the comments section.
In conclusion, I’ll add that interracial relationships like all relationships are beautiful. When love unites two beings, it doesn’t look at their color, it looks at their hearts and their souls. Racism is an abnormality, a deviant mutation of society, a virus, a malignant tumor. We cannot let it dictate our happiness and whom we love. Always feel free to love whomever you want — always.
Thank you for reading my perspective.
Please find below some of my other articles on interracial relationships:
What It’s Like Being A Black Woman In An Interracial Relationship
