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1981

Abstract

rying to survive — physically, emotionally, and psychologically, fine-tuning your technical skills in the very area of your struggles is not very likely.</b></p></blockquote><p id="8e76">It’s often impossible. In the swimming pool and in life. At least not without a coach — a metaphorical or an actual one, who encourages you to leverage your biggest strengths and helps you identify and strategically address areas for improvement.</p><p id="2850">I somehow managed to coordinate my hands and my feet well enough and long enough to reach the side of the pool on my own. I was scared out of my mind.</p><h1 id="e2ba">This had officially been the scariest experience of my life until that moment.</h1><p id="d0e6">I went back to my group and didn’t get in any more pools that day and for a couple of years after that. Nor did I tell anyone what had happened. I was too ashamed.</p><p id="816a">I’m still a shitty swimmer. I get in the water and manage to enjoy myself but that’s about the extent of my relationship with swimming. That first swimming experience in that deep German pool decades ago traumatized me so bad that I never tried to learn how to swim properly. I don’t regret jumping in the pool.</p><blockquote id="e4ce"><p><b>Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and just jump. And if it turns out to be harder that we thought, it doesn’t mean that the jump was a mistake. But in my case, I was too ashamed to ask for help. And this was a mistake.</b></p></blockquote><h1 id="5a36">There’s nothing shameful about needing help.</h1><p id="09e0">Or about asking for it. Having a growth mindset, recognizing the need for assistance, spotting opportunities for growth in your skill set, and being determined to do the work, learn, and improve is nothing but admirable. Learning is a lifelong process and your brain is elastic — you can make new neural connections and strengthen existing ones for as long as you’re alive. So, asking for help is essentially an investment

Options

in your future self.</p><p id="0016">Unfortunately, even if you ask for help and someone offers to do it, there are no guarantees that this particular type of help is what you need. It may be what you want at the time, but it’s only in hindsight that you begin to see red flags and realize why it may not be working as you hoped it would.</p><blockquote id="c62c"><p><b>Not all coaches — metaphorical and actual, will be a good fit and will be able to help you get where you want to go. And this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either one of you.</b></p></blockquote><p id="a44a">Some of us need tough love. They need someone to push them ruthlessly and get motivated by negative reinforcement. Others need someone to hold their hand every step of the way and give them detailed instructions on their every move. Some need space to grow on their own and crave occasional gentle guidance. Others need a sparring partner that gets the best out of them and helps unleash their entire potential through regular stimulating communication.</p><h1 id="2f68">A good coach is like a good partner in life — it could be quite the ordeal to find one.</h1><p id="7dab">Most people seem to know what they want — both from a coach, and from a life partner, but almost none of us have any idea what it is that we actually need. And that’s something we can only learn through experience.</p><p id="1ff5">Not every attempt is guaranteed to succeed, but you are guaranteed to learn valuable lessons from each one, even from the disappointing ones. Especially from the disappointing ones.</p><p id="b3a2">Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. But don’t settle for anyone that offers to help if you realize it’s not the type of help you need. The longer you wait to have tough conversations — with a coach or a life partner, the harder those conversations will be and the more painful the consequences for both sides. Putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound only makes it worse.</p></article></body>

What Near-Drowning Taught Me about Life

Just. Move. Your. Damn. Feet.

I learned to swim when I was 10. I did it on my own. I was touring Germany with the choir I used to sing in for almost 15 years. We had a day off from concerts and our conductor took us to a beautiful water park that featured a bunch of swimming pools and all kinds of fun water facilities.

I walked around for a bit, so I could learn where everything is located. I was super excited to dip in the water, it was a million degrees that day, and I really needed to cool down. I jumped in one of the pools with the typical enthusiasm of a 10-year-old, who’s about to get what she really, really wanted. The second I got in the water, my smile froze.

My feet didn’t touch the bottom of the pool, or at least not as soon as I’d hoped. From what I could tell, I was in way over my head. Way over. Which would usually be just fine, except that I didn’t know how to swim.

It was in the next 10 minutes that I actually learned how to swim. And I learned it the hard way. The really, really hard way. All I kept thinking was:

JUST MOVE YOUR DAMN FEET!!!

If you’re trying not to drown, it’s not likely that you’ll channel your inner Michael Phelps at the same time. Especially when you’re doing it on your own and figuring it all out as you go.

You might learn how to move several feet at a time and manage to keep your head above water, at least for a while. But if 99% of the time you’re in fight or flight mode and your limbic system is running the show, your stroke isn’t likely to improve and get you in the Olympics.

When all your energy goes to trying to survive — physically, emotionally, and psychologically, fine-tuning your technical skills in the very area of your struggles is not very likely.

It’s often impossible. In the swimming pool and in life. At least not without a coach — a metaphorical or an actual one, who encourages you to leverage your biggest strengths and helps you identify and strategically address areas for improvement.

I somehow managed to coordinate my hands and my feet well enough and long enough to reach the side of the pool on my own. I was scared out of my mind.

This had officially been the scariest experience of my life until that moment.

I went back to my group and didn’t get in any more pools that day and for a couple of years after that. Nor did I tell anyone what had happened. I was too ashamed.

I’m still a shitty swimmer. I get in the water and manage to enjoy myself but that’s about the extent of my relationship with swimming. That first swimming experience in that deep German pool decades ago traumatized me so bad that I never tried to learn how to swim properly. I don’t regret jumping in the pool.

Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and just jump. And if it turns out to be harder that we thought, it doesn’t mean that the jump was a mistake. But in my case, I was too ashamed to ask for help. And this was a mistake.

There’s nothing shameful about needing help.

Or about asking for it. Having a growth mindset, recognizing the need for assistance, spotting opportunities for growth in your skill set, and being determined to do the work, learn, and improve is nothing but admirable. Learning is a lifelong process and your brain is elastic — you can make new neural connections and strengthen existing ones for as long as you’re alive. So, asking for help is essentially an investment in your future self.

Unfortunately, even if you ask for help and someone offers to do it, there are no guarantees that this particular type of help is what you need. It may be what you want at the time, but it’s only in hindsight that you begin to see red flags and realize why it may not be working as you hoped it would.

Not all coaches — metaphorical and actual, will be a good fit and will be able to help you get where you want to go. And this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either one of you.

Some of us need tough love. They need someone to push them ruthlessly and get motivated by negative reinforcement. Others need someone to hold their hand every step of the way and give them detailed instructions on their every move. Some need space to grow on their own and crave occasional gentle guidance. Others need a sparring partner that gets the best out of them and helps unleash their entire potential through regular stimulating communication.

A good coach is like a good partner in life — it could be quite the ordeal to find one.

Most people seem to know what they want — both from a coach, and from a life partner, but almost none of us have any idea what it is that we actually need. And that’s something we can only learn through experience.

Not every attempt is guaranteed to succeed, but you are guaranteed to learn valuable lessons from each one, even from the disappointing ones. Especially from the disappointing ones.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. But don’t settle for anyone that offers to help if you realize it’s not the type of help you need. The longer you wait to have tough conversations — with a coach or a life partner, the harder those conversations will be and the more painful the consequences for both sides. Putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound only makes it worse.