What My Unhealthy Relationship With Empathy Taught Me And How I Became A Better Empath

Empathy: A crucial skill for everyone to have.

Empathy is all about understanding how others feel as well as being able to show compassion in the right way and at the right time.

Something I had to learn the hard way as an empath who had an unhealthy relationship with empathy, is how important it is to be able to show empathy but the right way. In a way that won’t harm you and won’t put you on the back burner.

I could never understand why I was so eager to help others, feel what they feel, be able to fully relate to their point of view, and take care of them even if they were strangers to me. In fact, It would get to the point where I would let my mental health and my well-being deteriorate if that meant helping someone else to feel better. But as expected, that behavior slowly started to have a negative impact on my mental health, it made me feel drained and exhausted, and eventually, it made me realize how important it is to always set limits and to put myself first.

I always say that life needs balance. Balance in what we eat, in what we do, in what we take, and of course, in what we give. If there is no balance then you may find yourself feeling trapped and disappointed. The same thing applies to empathy. If you can’t control but fully absorb others’ negative emotions, react like someone else’s struggles and problems are your own, and not be able to deal with your own life struggles first then you most likely have an unintentionally unhealthy relationship with empathy. In that case, it’s easy to start losing yourself and start looking past your needs simply to make others happy without realizing you are doing the complete opposite for yourself. That’s commonly found in people who haven’t learned how to control their empathy skills. When it comes to empathy the truth is that we have choices. Choices about who we show empathy to, in what way, and for how long.

There is this quote by Henry Ford that says “Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.” My point is that not everyone has the best intentions and of course, not everyone deserves or needs the same type or amount of empathy. For some people, being empathetic is like second nature and I strongly believe having good empathy skills can make you a better friend, co-worker, and family member. It’s an important skill to have but that’s not always the case. Especially when it causes you more harm than good, then it’s definitely time to re-evaluate things.

And since there is always space for improvement, here is how I created a healthier relationship with empathy and how I eventually improved my empathy skills!

Number 1.

• Understand that empathy doesn’t mean weakness

There has always been that misconception that being empathetic makes you weak. However, being empathetic is a very powerful skill. It means that you are capable of stepping outside of yourself and noticing every small aspect of your surroundings. It is the opposite of self-absorption. It’s not simply having emotions but being able to share the feelings of others, understand what they mean and how you can improve or emphasize them. It’s not a weakness but it can be if it’s not used correctly.

Number 2.

• Allow yourself to observe and listen

Something I learned is that you should always observe and listen to yourself first before doing these for others. When it comes to building your empathy skills and developing a healthier approach to it, you have to learn how to observe. You can’t understand if you first don’t observe. Observing will allow you to process things better and it will give you the time you need to develop an awareness of your surroundings, connect your critical thinking with all your emotions and maintain a sustained focus. It’ll allow you to step into other people’s shoes and concentrate on what they are feeling without harming yourself.

Number 3.

• Self-improvement and Self-development are key

There are many ways to improve and get to know yourself. If you don’t know who you are then you’ll struggle to understand your needs and you won’t know when and how to put yourself first. You also won’t be able to get to know others or what they feel. There is this quote by Matt Kahn that says “People can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves” and it couldn’t be more than true.

Number 4.

• Learn to appreciate what you have and practice gratitude

Practicing gratitude daily or not has many benefits. First of all, it allows you to live a happier life and recognize all the good you have even on your darkest days. It is a lot simpler than it seems. It all starts with “I’m grateful for:…” fill in the gap with 5,10,20 things you are grateful for that day and you’ll realize you have a lot of things to be thankful for in your life. At the same time, gratitude allows you to stay connected with your emotions and helps you live life more aligned with them instead of focusing only on your logical thinking.

Something all of these have in common is that they all start with yourself and your self-improvement.

Empathy starts with you. It doesn’t need to be difficult, you just need to be willing to expand your knowledge, stay connected to your emotions, and be open to changing your mindset for the better.

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