What Most People Call Love is Actually Sadomasochism

Sadomasochism–interaction, especially sexual activity, in which one person enjoys inflicting physical or mental suffering on another person, who derives pleasure from experiencing pain.

Sounds intense, right? We might think of 50 Shades of Grey, dark underground sex rooms, leather, spikes and chains. Mostly, these images arise from Hollywood, extremist media and San Fran sex shows. But the original meaning of sadomasochism, applicable to this discussion, was a bit more tame.

Sadomasochism is a portmanteau of sadism and masochism; terms coined in the nineteenth century by German psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing, who conceived of common natural tendencies of sadism in men and masochism in women that were based on control rather than necessitating physical pain or violence.

In his book, Escape From Freedom, Erich Fromm describes sadomasochistic tendencies in a similar light; as universal impulses rather than the physical eccentricities that we relate the term with today. Fromm states that sadism and masochism are safety mechanisms that fulfill one basic need: to escape the unbearable feelings of isolation, anxiety and doubt. They help us to forget the powerlessness of ourselves.

According to Fromm, we all possess feelings of insecurity and powerlessness which are inevitably created through the social processes that thwart our sensual, intellectual and emotional expansiveness. This leads us to two choices; one is to adopt sadomasochistic strivings in order to cope. The other is to bear the immense discomfort of standing alone, discovering one’s authenticity, and having to make the difficult choices of an autonomous, freethinking individual.

Masochism, Fromm states, is an attempt to relieve feelings of isolation, weakness and the torture of doubt by immersing into and identifying with someone or something greater than oneself… whether that is a person, an ideal, nation or institution. The woman with masochistic strivings surrenders her integrity and freedom, yet gains the security of following prescribed ideals, rules or roles. She escapes the anxiety of discovering who she is or making the decisions required of an autonomous being and gains meaning and pride for her life through her participation in the power in which she submerges.

Sadism is also a drive to escape from oneself through having power and control over others, sometimes even to inflict pain or suffering upon them. Instead of being swallowed as in masochism, the sadist swallows someone else. He also loses his freedom and integrity, as he is as dependent upon another to enlarge himself by making her a part of himself. Through the one—or others—he controls, he gains the strength that he lacks independently.

To sum up Fromm’s definitions; Sadism and Masochism are symbiotic means of escape from feelings of isolation, powerlessness and the responsibilities of being autonomous, freethinking individuals.

Can you see now how sadomasochistic tendencies may indeed be common? I sure can.

Love, Fromm continues, is based on equality and freedom, which can never be truly present within relationships where this symbiotic complex exists. Masochism is usually touted as love through an ideal of giving or self-denial, surrendering one’s rights and claims to another. Sadism often rationalizes ruling over another for their sake, in the name of love. Sadomasochistic strivings are so prevalent throughout society, Fromm states, that their lack would be challenging to find.

In my own life, and through working with others, these tendencies have become easy to recognize. They’re normal, omnipresent, all around. Masochism in women often manifests as that endless, desperate craving for the love and attention of men. Women authentically believe they are searching for ‘love,’ but in truth they are seeking escape from themselves. Without a man, we often feel alone, incapable and powerless. Life has no meaning. We want a man to ‘save’ us.

I spent the first quarter of my life in this state, jumping from one relationships to the next, in an endless chain. I claimed to love each one of them, yet was miraculously adept at attracting those who had challenges with monogamy or commitment or were somehow never completely available or present. The men I attracted seemed frantically focused on sex, and I resented them, boiling inside with jealousy and the fear of abandonment, all the while aching for the nurturing of real love… whatever that meant. As each relationship inevitably came to an end, I felt hurt, angry, or even traumatized. Love–true, lasting, nurturing love–seemed impossible to find and hold onto.

My difficulties led to a deep exploration into relationship and the schools of western ‘tantra’ where I sought help. Through my exploration I could not help but notice how prevalent and symbiotic these sadomasochistic patterns were between women and men. Men were baffled by the behavior of women. Women were experiencing the same patterns as myself. We were perpetually suffering, believing ourselves powerless victims of men. And when we’d had enough, the problems continued on an even grander scale through our relationships with the gurus and teachers from whom we sought help. Who hasn’t heard a thousand male guru, yogi or Hollywood sex scandals?

But why? Were men defective? Were they given strange defunct alien DNA? Was this all the work of patriarchy? I wondered what the hell was wrong with them.

Only years later and after a LOT of self-work did I realize that I, and many women, also have a role to play in this, yet I had always placed the blame on men. After all, sadistic tendencies certainly appear more emotionally violent and destructive. Certainly if someone would have attempted to inform me back then that I had masochistic strivings, I’d have laughed. At least, I would have if I hadn’t been so miserable. There was no way that any part of me wanted the suffering that I was experiencing. No…quite the opposite!

But that’s the tricky thing about unconscious behaviors; they are unconscious. Yet just about all of us if we’re willing to get even the tiniest bit honest can admit that we act in ways that we don’t want to behave, in spite of our conscious desires and interests.

It took years to understand that I was, unconsciously, an accomplice. I had masochistic tendencies…and I was FAR from alone.

To this day I watch as women suffer the same patterns; sincerely yearning for love and attention, yet perpetuating their suffering by giving away their power or through unconscious negative behaviors. Then, when prospective partners or lovers pull back or ghost, they wonder with bafflement why this keeps happening to them.

Of course, I’m speaking in generalities and from my own experience and perspective. These roles and tendencies can be switched, even within the same person or from one person to the next.

I’m also in no way placing the blame on women and excusing any of the emotionally or physically violent behavior of men. There is too much of it and it has to be made conscious and brought to an end. It is up to men and women alike to find these strivings within ourselves, rather than use such knowledge as ammunition.

So how do we grow past these patterns and find real love?

There is an old saying that holds true to this day:

It is impossible to offer to others what we lack in ourselves.

In other words, Love is available to you the more that you deepen your honesty and integrity with yourself.

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