What Living As An Expat in Germany Has Taught Me

For one thing, no one needs to be nice to you

Before moving to Germany, I had this idyllic idea that everything would be fine and I’d settle in right away — how wrong I was. I’d visited Germany several times, I’d travelled abroad and lived in other countries so, of course, this wouldn’t be so different. Sure, there was a language barrier but I had an intense German course booked and I was ready to get immersed.

How very naïve I was!

It took me a long time to get settled in Germany and I’ve definitely learned a few things along the way.

People Don’t Need to Be Nice to You

Where I come from people are known to be friendly. It’s not uncommon to go for a walk or a run and end up in a full-blown conversation with someone. Locals say hello in the street and hold open doors for you. At the supermarket, fellow customers will kindly ask to get by. I can walk to the shop and not encounter anything untoward. You can go out for coffee and end up knowing the barista’s full life history before you’ve even taken your first sip.

This isn’t my experience of living in Germany. Almost every time I go to the supermarket, someone shoves past my trolley, tuts at me, or comments on what I am purchasing. Once, in an electrical store, I was looking at fridges and a complete stranger came over and mansplained to me why I should pick another brand. No, really! Have a scroll through Twitter to discover that’s it’s common for the checkout assist, or general shoppers, to have an opinion on what you’re having for dinner, or what wine you’ve purchased. Not to mention the constant struggle of not bagging your groceries quick enough. I have been reprimanded both for being too slow AND too fast. It seems I just can’t get it quite right.

I and fellow expats in the area have also experienced people randomly shouting at us in the street or on public transport. This could be for reasons such as we are taking up too much space, our bikes are too noisy, we are talking English, or we are simply existing.

Long gone are the days of going to the local store and having a catch up with the cashier, here it’s simply transactional. Which, in some cases can have its pros too. Things definitely move quicker!

I must point out that these experiences are from living in Berlin. Berlin is famous for the Berliner Schnauze and for people being generally abrupt and unfriendly. However, I have had similar experiences in other parts of the country too.

I realised, after just a few weeks, that I shouldn’t expect people to be kind and considerate to me. No one needs to be nice. People choose to be.

Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard

As a kid, it was so easy to make new friends. Like the same sport? Sorted. Enjoy the same TV shows? Ideal. Parents are friends? Perfect! As an adult, it’s not quite so simple.

I thought that by joining a language course I’d make friends outside of my startup work environment within days, but it didn’t really happen. The same goes for when I went along to expat meetups or joined sports classes. Everyone I met was great, but the majority of people were there for a fleeting period of time. Berlin is a transient city. Many people experience expat life for a year or two before deciding it’s time to move on to the next adventure. It was hard to make friends who were there for the long haul, like me. After a while, it started to get to me, as everyone I met and liked, left.

I have made some friends who are local to Berlin. The issue here is the opposite to the dip-in-and-out traveller — they have roots, families, 20-year friendships, so trying to meet with them is always a task in itself.

Perhaps I should’ve arrived in the city without my rose-tinted glasses and then I wouldn’t have felt so disappointed in that first year. Now, I know what to expect and I thoroughly enjoy the company of the great people I meet before they leave again.

You’re More Capable Than You Think

German bureaucracy is nothing short of a nightmare. When you really need someone to speak English, they won’t. So going along to visa appointments, or the doctor can be an incredibly stressful experience if you don’t have support.

I realised, once I stopped panicking, that I was more capable than I thought I was. I signed myself up to the doctors, dentist, and gym alone. I used my broken German and “Denglisch” to get by in the first year. I felt stupid at times, but I overcame it.

My advice to anyone looking to move to Germany is simply this — learn the language. Once you can speak the native tongue you’ll find you are capable of so much more than you originally thought. There’s nothing more satisfying than hanging up the phone after successfully booking an appointment, or ordering something from a shop, or having a simple chat with your neighbour when you pick up a parcel. It gives me a real sense of achievement. Not only that, but I feel more integrated in the culture I have chosen to live in.

With Hindsight

I thought German culture wouldn’t be that different to my own, but I’ve realised that people’s abruptness and straight-talking ways are not meant to be offensive. It’s now water off a duck’s back. When I visit home, I’m often told I’m now too direct or to the point, but I see that as a positive.

After living in Germany for four years, I have overcome many barriers, and they’ll be more to come. But if I could do it again, I’d tell myself that people don’t need to be nice, it’ll take time to get a strong group of friends, and you are more capable than you ever imagined. Keep going.