What kind of friend are you?

How to be the one you’d like to keep forever

More than any other aspect of the outside world, your family, friends and associates play a big part in how you perceive yourself. Some cheer when you succeed, making you feel great. Others get jealous and try to find fault with your accomplishments, leaving you to feel embarrassed or ashamed of doing better than they have. In order to tip the scales of positivity in your favor, carefully examine the relationships you have. Then in the future, make more mindful decisions about who you share your story with. There are three types of people in relationships. Knowing which you are will help you to become a better friend. One of my mentors Mike Lee Kanarek, who is a commando veteran of the Israeli Special Forces and member of the Black Belt hall of Fame, identifies these three types of people as drainers, maintainers and propellers.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

–1 Corinthians 13:4–8

3 Types of Relationships

Drainers are those people who make you feel bad when you succeed. They appear to want you to have victories, but only as long as there is some benefit for them. They may throw up obstacles like, “that’s too difficult” or “there are 10 people applying for that job, you’ll never get it.” They could be secretly plotting your demise by flirting with your partner or complaining about your performance to a colleague or worse, dropping dimes on you to management. If you have drainers in your life, be very careful about your relationships with them. You may think you can find some benefit in these relationships, but you will spend a lot of time putting out fires and working on damage control to maintain these draining relationships. You may also find yourself on a slippery slope of becoming a constant complainer, just like these toxic people are.

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

Richard Pryor

Maintainers want you to succeed, so long as you don’t do better than they do. They like you just the way you are. They will feel threatened as you grow, thinking that you will have no more space for them in your life. These are the people who are good as long as things are going well. When you are facing hardship however, they will all but disappear. Maintainers may be hesitant to tell you the truth when you ask for their opinion for fear of hurting your feelings. That is well intentioned enough, but it does not help you to grow as a person and get you closer to your goals. It could even lead to potential problems when their feedback is, “this presentation is good,” but later you realize there are gaping holes in it that lead to a poor performance, or worse a loss of credibility with your audience.

False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports. Richard Burton

Propellers are the people that help you to advance in your life regardless of the situation. Not only will they be there during your successes, cheering louder than anyone. They will also offer genuine support when things don’t go well. Propellers are the people in your life who believe in you, point out your blind spots, and give you fair and honest feedback. As their name suggests, propellers are often inspirational, helping you to get farther than you could on your own.These friends may demand more of you than you do of yourself, holding you accountable to what they believe you are capable of achieving. So while you might be comfortable where you are, they will encourage you and support you to move outside of your comfort zone to achieve your dreams. If you have propellers in your life, hold on to them. They are the people that make life beautiful.

My inner strength comes from my friends. I have a very close group of friends and family, and we all help each other through our dark times.

- Kathy Bates

So now that you know the three types of relationships, what kind of friend are you?

If you are a drainer or a maintainer, what are you worried about? Surely, you would improve your own life by being a part of your friends’ success. If you are worried about losing a friend as they achieve their hopes and dreams, they are not really a friend, anyway. Real friends know that we get more by giving than we ever receive by taking. Sure, there are trade-offs in relationships. These exchanges need to go back and forth to keep the friendship healthy and strengthen the bond. That’s reciprocity, focusing not just on your benefits but also what you can give to others. These types of relationships grow both of you, as your friends become better you do too.

Want to grow yourself exponentially? Use friend buckets.

Make a list of all your friends, close colleagues and the family members you spend the most time with. Then put them into these three buckets: propellers, maintainers, and drainers. Once you have done this, consider ways you can strengthen your relationships with the propellers. Likewise, begin separating yourself from the drainers, leaving them behind.

Personally, I consider how I feel and act when I am around different people. This helps me define the drainers, maintainers and propellers in my life. I choose to spend time with those that make me feel like the person I want to be, the best version of myself, and limit my time with those who bring out the worst in me. This change has allowed me to reach higher highs and made my life feel less like a rollercoaster ride.

When I engage with people, I make an effort to categorize them into their appropriate bucket, and interact with them accordingly. This may upset some people, but it will not dismay those that understand the value of real friendships. Be a propeller to the people in your life, cheer for all their successes, support them when they fail. By giving honest and helpful feedback, advice and support, you will show that you believe in them. Then look for people who do the same for you.

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