What Kind of a Stepparent Are You?

Parenthood requires love — not DNA

Let’s talk about stepparents. Let’s talk about those stepparents who have impacted the lives of their stepchildren positively. Who have stood by, guided and given unconditional love to kids — who are not their own.

Let’s talk about that.

Because stepparents are very discredited for all effort and love that they put into their stepchildren.

We have an awful reputation. The words evil and stepmother go together, thanks, in larger part, to Disney movies. When in need of a villain, it seems the heroine’s stepmom is the first and only choice.

In the name of all stepparents — I want to step up to and acknowledge how incredible human beings you are. You endure a lot and you give a lot.

But most importantly — you love.

You Are Brave

Nobody plans of raising someone else’s child. But it happens sometimes. Any stepparent needs a lot of courage to play such an important role in kids' lives — especially if they haven’t raised these kids from the start.

But as we all know, parental love, in general, takes bravery and resilience. The love of a step-parent is faced with many challenges, such as you will never be the child’s biological parent.

Even if the biological parent rarely sees and spends quality time with the kids. You will never have the same rights and privileges as the biological parents.

In my first months of stepparenting, I felt isolated as if there was a family unit in my home but I am not a member. My partner and his child have unique experiences and memories that they have shared for a long time — I was not there. Naturally, my partner would dote on his daughter and the two of them would enjoy reminiscing about memories they shared: pictures and toddler videos.

Their behavior was innocent but it made me feel like an outsider until I realized that years from now we will be reminiscing about memories we all share. I’ve realized that the feelings I was experiencing were due to the fact that I wasn’t in my stepdaughter’s life from the start — and I so wished to, because I love her unconditionally.

Many could not handle the bravery needed to make step-parenting successful. But you do. As a stepparent, you wear many hats — more than most people realize. You are a diplomat, the biggest supporter, the good friend, or the confidant.

You give your love unconditionally in the face of any rejection. Many people can’t do that. Remember that.

You Make A Difference

You can become an essential contribution to your stepchildren’s life. You can give that something that their biological parents can not. I know that I have a good influence on my stepdaughter.

Because of my own artsy background, I can better support her in expressing her creative and artistic side. I help her nurture her talents. Often our relationship flourishes because we both know I’m not her biological parent.

You never try to replicate or replace the relationship between your step kids and their biological parents. A good stepparent will provide the children with opportunities to learn qualities and experiences that will be different from those of the biological parents. Because there is a lot you can give that others can’t — you focus on that.

You find things to share that are different from what the child has with his biological parent and you build your healthy and unique relationship on that.

You have so many opportunities to create a special bond. After all — you are the next most important person in the child’s life. Work on it.

Create your own little dynamic that is special and unique to you two/three. Appreciate the small things — every little gesture, every word. Make sure you don’t overlook those.

Perhaps you won’t be perfect. Perhaps the relationship won’t be perfect. Take it slow, and learn how to navigate the road in front of you together.

Like a biological parent — you care about the child, teach them and encourage them. Along the road, ask yourself “Does the child feel loved, understood, and valued?” If the answer is yes, you will be fine.

You are winning and sometimes you may feel like you are failing. The process is beautiful, though sometimes messy. but the outcome is priceless.

You Are Chosen

When I became an item with my partner, my step-daughter had five years of life behind her. I didn’t witness her first steps or give her a first bath. I didn’t get to hug her father and admire what a beautiful little baby she was in the hospital room.

She wasn’t raised to love me.

Your stepchildren weren’t raised to respect you as your parent, or to treat you as a father and to hug you goodnight. And these are the reasons why your love for your stepchildren will always be different, these are the things that make the relationship between step-parents and children special.

After all — none of us chose our parents. We were born into whatever situation and the parents who gave us life made choices for us. But when it comes to step-parents a child always has a choice.

And they have chosen to love You.

They picked you, and you picked them. It is a wonderful feeling when I hear my stepdaughter tell me every day that she loves me. I know she means it. Because she doesn’t have to love me.

And when I tell her that I love her too — it’s not because I saw her take her first breath or feel her kick within me for nine months. My love for her was not injected in me.

It’s because I have gotten to know her, because I have shared many years of life growing as a family, and I truly love her for the person she is.

Without her, her father would not be the man I love and will marry. Without her, I would not look forward to having children of my own and without her, I would not have learned how to unconditionally love another woman’s child.

Your love of a stepparent will always be a little bit different, but it’s no less of a love.

You will continue to watch your stepchildren grow and thrive, support them, cheer for them and be there for them when they need you.

Every step of the way.

Thank you for reading.