Why I Reject My Partner's Sexual Advances

— And why it matters.

My partner can turn almost anything I say into some sort of sexual innuendo. He does it all the time. He also seems to find any excuse to fondle me, kiss me, or suggest we ‘go upstairs’ at any given moment — usually at moments when we couldn’t possibly get away from doing that.

My partner loves the idea of thinking about having spontaneous sex with me or sneaking away to do so. I get it. It stimulates him to think about these things.

However, over the many years that we’ve been together, I have often found myself irritated by these sexual come-ons. Why? I’m not sure. When I think about it, there isn’t a great reason to be annoyed with him over these things.

After over a decade together, my partner still desires me most days of the week. Isn’t this the thing most people dream about? A partner who still wants them like this after the dating stage, the marriage stage, and even the having kids stage?

I have recently come to the realization that my supreme aggravation about my partner’s desire for more sex with me is unwarranted.

There are lots of moments when it’s inconvenient for my partner to try and sex me up like when I’m in the middle of doing something time-sensitive or I’m attempting to focus on a task and my mind is nowhere near the realm of sex. Yes, that’s frustrating. However, at that moment in time, I’m also overlooking the fact that this man can’t seem to get enough of me — and that’s pretty impressive for a long-term relationship.

Don’t get me wrong — I still desire my partner. However, I still seem to get irritated with him over his constant sexual advances.

I’ve pondered the idea that perhaps the reason I get so vexed by my partner’s constant sexual advances is that I don’t understand how he could always want me so much. I can be grumpy and prickly — brooding and sensitive. Maybe I just don’t see what he sees in me all the time.

And that’s the beauty of love, I suppose. There are moments when my partner probably doesn’t feel very lovable yet I still adore him and I still want to be with him. We just show our affection in very different ways. He’s much more physical than I am. That’s a big difference between us that we’ve had to work through.

Additionally, I’ve realized that if my partner didn’t come on to me frequently or try to make a move on me while I’m cooking dinner, doing laundry, or simply standing next to him, I would probably be perplexed by that.

The classic not being able to win either way scenario, right?

Yup.

If my partner stopped trying to touch me all the time, I’d notice. And I’d probably be confused as to why he wasn’t doing it.

The push and pull of relationships can be vast and confounding. The ways in which people love one another are often an enigma of the emotions between them, the history behind them, and subconscious forces at play.

Perhaps the game of my partner trying to pursue me while I’m bothered by his advances is simply our way of communicating — a bizarre dance we’ve perfected over our years together.

My partner often feels rejected when I don’t respond in the way he fantasizes I might with his sexual flirting. Subsequently, I usually come back later when I’m ready to give him all my attention, so to speak. I don’t reject him on purpose. I just have difficulty spontaneously jumping into sex when I’m focused on something else.

Growth and self-reflection are necessities within long-term relationships. Having a fixed mindset can make navigating long-term relationships much more inhospitable.

None of us are perfect. We all come with preconceived ideas and baggage from our childhood and/or previous relationships.

Perhaps I get annoyed with my partner for trying to be spontaneous because I am afraid of spontaneity myself. He may feel intimidated by some of my behavior as well. We are still discovering one another, over a decade later.

This is the beauty of long-term relationships over time. There’s always another layer. Being in a marriage or a long-term relationship isn’t just about figuring out who your partner is, what they want, or figuring out why they do the things they do — it’s about discovering yourself too.

Meanwhile, I’m just trying not to be so annoyed.

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