Summary

The article describes the challenging and damaging experience of working with a narcissistic boss, detailing the manipulative tactics used and the resulting toxic work environment.

Abstract

The author shares a personal account of the harrowing experience of working under a narcissistic boss, characterized by initial charm followed by a pattern of abuse, including love bombing, unrealistic expectations, gaslighting, and creating chaos. The boss's behavior led to a stressful and invalidating workplace, causing physical and mental health issues for the employees. Despite attempts to document and confront the behavior, the narcissistic boss's power and resources made it difficult for the author to address the situation without repercussions. The article serves as a cautionary tale, highlighting the importance of recognizing narcissistic behavior in the workplace and the need for strength and courage to either endure or escape such a toxic environment.

Opinions

The author believes that narcissists in leadership positions can cause significant harm to their employees through manipulative and abusive behavior.
The narcissistic boss is described as lacking empathy, craving admiration, and being prone to extreme micro-management and irrational rage.
The workplace under a narcissistic boss is depicted as chaotic and unhealthy, fostering backstabbing and infighting among employees.
The author suggests that narcissists create an environment where charisma and the ability to manipulate are valued over actual productivity and hard work.
The article implies that confronting a narcissistic boss with facts can be ineffective and even dangerous due to their tendency to retaliate and preserve their reputation at all costs.
The author emphasizes the physical and mental toll of working for a narcissist, including increased illness, anxiety, and depression.
The author concludes that there is no real victory when dealing with a narcissistic boss and advises those in similar situations to recognize the signs and seek the strength to either cope or leave.

What It’s Really Like To Work With a Narcissist

The ugly truth behind having a narcissistic boss

Unfortunately the word “narcissist” is thrown around way too often and in the wrong context.

The real definition is someone who lacks empathy, has an exaggerated feelings of self-importance and has an excessive need for admiration.

I would know. I worked with one for over a year.

There is many different manifestations of narcissistic bosses.

This is my experience.

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At first impression she seemed polite, clever, charming (maybe to a fault) and resourceful.

The abuse happened so gradually that it took me a year after leaving, to fully understand the damage she had caused.

Love bombing (then abandonment)

In the initial few months of our collaboration, she would bring me in meetings and compliment everything from my work to my appearance.

“You’re amazing” “You’re so talented” “I love your energy”

But within a few weeks, without any changes from my side, her behavior started to change. She was suddenly critical and hateful and bluntly rude to me. She would criticize my work(the same piece of work she was praising a week earlier) and dismiss my ideas with no logical reasoning.

What was funny was that she was doing the exact same “love bombing” to a new colleague now!

Unrealistic Charm

She knew what to say and when to say it; charming with the right people and at the right time.

The days that we were expecting a client to come for a meeting were recognizable by her behavior and appearance alone.

She would dress her best and smile all day and speak softly and kindly to everyone. It was almost unbelievable that the same person was screaming at us for a simple spelling error just a day ago.

Extreme micro-manage

Every single detail had to be run by her. Every single email. Every single phone call.

She wanted full control and full credit for every project but also none of the blame when things would fall apart (which was all the time due to her poor judgement and management)

Gas-lighting

She would make a comment in a meeting, and I would take note and take days to make revisions to the project. Then suddenly she would ask why I made that change and when I said it was her idea she would simply deny or say that’s not what I meant.

The issue is our natural instinct as humans is to believe the way others unfold their stories and just assume we are at fault so I would simply apologize and think I had misunderstood.

She was manipulating to the point that we would question our own reality and sanity.

Creating Chaos

You are either on their side or wrong. Their toxic leadership creates a lot of unhealthy behaviors including backstabbing and infighting.

Never in my life have i seen that amount of unhealthy drama in a work place. Every single person was constantly alert, as though waiting for a predator.

Narcissists love chaos because it gives them power. She felt superior while she watch everyone fight in the dirt for a better position at the mad house she called company.

Quick and irrational rage

A small error in the project and she would SCREAM and THROW things, completely blinded by rage, just looking for someone to put the blame on.

I witnessed countless phone calls that ended with her screaming and cursing and ending the call mid-conversation.

It felt like being “managed” by a cranky and spoiled five year old.

Unrealistic expectations

Last minute dead-lines, forcing the team to work on weekends and holidays and over hours without any extra payment, work phone calls at midnight , threats to fire everyone on any small inconvenience — the list goes on. Narcissists expect you to be immediately responsive the moment they demand attention.

Deeply invalidating

The whole atmosphere had a cult like environment. There were a few “narcissistic minions” that just did exactly as they were told by the narcissistic boss.

Everything seems reversed. Everything matters except actual productivity and hard work. You get ahead based on how charismatic you are or how well you can cover up in front of a client better.

You can only win if you “play the game”

Physical consequences

Within 6 months of working there, I found myself getting sick way more often that I ever did.

Work place stress is the type of stress that’s most linked to physical illness.

Sleep disruptions, anxiety, constant stress and depression to name a few.

I needed to get out —

As soon I saw the pattern of behavior I started to plan my escape.

I started writing notes, recording everything, keeping proof of every comment, every interaction, every revision.

But as you can expect, even with physical and solid proof there is not much good that can come from confronting a narcissist. She felt threatened to be cornered by facts so she made it her mission to make me the “bad guy”.

Unfortunately for me, I was dealing with a resourceful and wealthy narcissist who had people supporting her every move.

Even leaving in silence was not an option because she had to make sure I would not have the power to ruin her picture perfect reputation.

Conclusion is…

There is no winning with a narcissistic boss. Not in my opinion anyway.

It took me a year and I still don’t feel like I have fully recovered and healed from the trauma.

No matter how much you try to stay sane or “out of the game”, you end up getting sucked into it. You will get so consumed in the chaos that you don’t realize the physical and mental damage it is causing you one day at a time.

Narcissists are deeply deeply insecure. So they just want everyone else to be insecure.

Their intention is to pull everyone down in order to create the illusion of them being superior to the rest.

If you have worked with a narcissist or are working for one right now, I hope these warning signs make it clear for you to understand who you’re really dealing with. I wish you the strength and the courage to put up with their behavior or ideally find a way to get out.