What it’s Like Starting Your Life During Adulthood

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Abstract

I’m happy with who I am but I’ll be honest, being alone this long is no accident. This is by design. It’s never been easy for me to form relationships. Friendships? Sure, but real intimate relationships? Not so much?I wish I can explain to every person who’s judged me for not having much experience in life. I grew up with a parent who stunted my growth and another parent who couldn’t socialize to save their life. Not to mention that being a teenager is full of ridicule for the fact that you exist.Being safe was the only thing I wanted out of life. That meant not getting close to anyone. That meant not showing genuine interest so my classmates wouldn’t ridicule me. Most of my childhood meant living in my dreams. I wish things would have been different. To be honest, what did I expect to be different if I didn’t grow up with tools to be secure.For a long time, I envied people who had secure attachments. I thought it was a privilege. Like why are you so happy huh? Do you not know what it’s like to struggle with trust? Do you not know what it’s like to be on a fine line of fight or flight?A little self-awareness and compassion would have made a difference. People, who ask me why I haven’t done this? Or why I haven’t done that? Are people who didn’t grow up as I did. I wasn’t raised to have the life where I have it all by 25.How am I supposed to have it all by

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25 when I had to start all over at 18. Socializing and being self-aware I had to teach myself. For me, there weren’t high school parties and unforgettable memories. I didn’t have the summer where I was always out of the house. I didn’t have the high school romance where I had my first love. That doesn’t mean that my life outside of high school is always going to be that way.Yes, I didn’t have any of those things. I did tell myself that I can do all those things but it would take time. No, I’m probably not going to marry in my 20s. I’ll still be figuring out my passion till my 30s and I’ll most likely catch up on my life’s adventures well into my 40s.I know people mean well when they remind me that I’m almost 25 with a lot of catching up to do. I’m trying really I am. Yet, what I’m not going to do is settle for the sake of having those things. Believe it or not, some people don’t fear “dying alone” because the reality is that everyone dies alone.I’m telling you that I am aware of my age. I’m aware of what’s on the list. I’m aware that time will continue to move forward. I know. I know okay. I don’t need the projections. I don’t need the reminders. I don’t need the pity. I have all that I will ever need. I will get to those things, it’s going to take some time. I’m still working through it. If I never get to those things…that’s fine too. I’m whole and complete either way.</article></body>

What it’s Like Starting Your Life During Adulthood

I didn’t develop a personality til my twenties

You know your cousin is getting married right?

“Yes, mom I know. I’m actually happy for her, my time will come too, it’s that I have a late start in life.”

I don’t like the face she gave me when I said that. What am I supposed to do about it anyway? Am I supposed to be running outside and not eat until I find a guy to marry? Am I supposed to run to the hills, screaming like a banshee? “I CAN’T FIND ANYBODY? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? HOW WILL I LIVE?” MY LIFE IS OVER. Is that what I’m supposed to feel.

I swear I’ve heard it a handful of times, not many but a handful. “Really? You’re not going to put in full gear?”

No, I won’t. I’ll be honest those comments do get to me. For so long I told myself that it’s okay to be behind. Yes, I don’t have a boyfriend. Yes, I still get help paying my phone bill. Yes, I still drink a Caprisun with every meal because that’s the way I want it.

I wish I can explain to every person who’s judged me for not having much experience in life. I grew up with a parent who stunted my growth and another parent who couldn’t socialize to save their life. Not to mention that being a teenager is full of ridicule for the fact that you exist.

Being safe was the only thing I wanted out of life. That meant not getting close to anyone. That meant not showing genuine interest so my classmates wouldn’t ridicule me. Most of my childhood meant living in my dreams. I wish things would have been different. To be honest, what did I expect to be different if I didn’t grow up with tools to be secure.

For a long time, I envied people who had secure attachments. I thought it was a privilege. Like why are you so happy huh? Do you not know what it’s like to struggle with trust? Do you not know what it’s like to be on a fine line of fight or flight?

A little self-awareness and compassion would have made a difference. People, who ask me why I haven’t done this? Or why I haven’t done that? Are people who didn’t grow up as I did. I wasn’t raised to have the life where I have it all by 25.

How am I supposed to have it all by 25 when I had to start all over at 18. Socializing and being self-aware I had to teach myself. For me, there weren’t high school parties and unforgettable memories. I didn’t have the summer where I was always out of the house. I didn’t have the high school romance where I had my first love. That doesn’t mean that my life outside of high school is always going to be that way.

Yes, I didn’t have any of those things. I did tell myself that I can do all those things but it would take time. No, I’m probably not going to marry in my 20s. I’ll still be figuring out my passion till my 30s and I’ll most likely catch up on my life’s adventures well into my 40s.

I know people mean well when they remind me that I’m almost 25 with a lot of catching up to do. I’m trying really I am. Yet, what I’m not going to do is settle for the sake of having those things. Believe it or not, some people don’t fear “dying alone” because the reality is that everyone dies alone.

I’m telling you that I am aware of my age. I’m aware of what’s on the list. I’m aware that time will continue to move forward. I know. I know okay. I don’t need the projections. I don’t need the reminders. I don’t need the pity. I have all that I will ever need. I will get to those things, it’s going to take some time. I’m still working through it. If I never get to those things…that’s fine too. I’m whole and complete either way.