What It Really Feels Like to Be a Writer Right Now

A day in the life

Your dad calls to wish you happy birthday. He asks if you would ever go back to med school. You used to be so good at math. Have you thought about having another kid? You tell him having a second child in med school sounds like an excellent idea.

Later, an editor treats you unfairly.

You don’t complain.

Complaining makes you look negative and ungrateful. Plus, you can’t afford to piss anyone off. You need gigs.

Your kid smacks you in the head with a book.

She says, “No!”

She means checking your email during story time.

You decide to create some viral content. You consider writing something about Jeff Bezos, or Steve Jobs. You try. You give up. You have nothing nice to say about either of them.

You procrastinate.

You pull up a photo of Jeff Bezos. You pull up a photo of Lex Luther. You put them side by side.

You go, “Yep.”

You order a portable UV phone sanitizer from Amazon. Your husband wants one — like 15 minutes ago.

He says, “We have to flatten the curve!”

You agree. You tell yourself it’s okay just this once, even though you’re trying to support more local businesses. Five minutes later, you order a 6 lb. jug of chili powder — also from Amazon.

What? You like chili.

You write for a little while, then check your stats on every blogging and social media platform in your arsenal. You curse.

You write some more.

You submit something for publication. You post on your blog. Your husband comes in and starts playing with your hair.

You tell him, “Maybe later.”

He says he understands. He leaves.

You watch Neil Gaiman’s ad for that new website, Masterclass.com. You realize Masterclass.com is going to destroy what’s left of universities, along with your livelihood. You wonder how much it costs to sign up for Neil Gaiman’s class. But you don’t go to the website. You’re feeling just a tad conflicted, and slightly resentful.

Another editor treats you unfairly — at least in your opinion. You remember that editors are just people, too.

You pour yourself a drink.

You read articles about how to relax during times of crisis. You realize maybe you should write an article about how to relax during times of crisis. You brainstorm with Ozark in the background. You realize you don’t know how to relax during times of crisis.

You watch Jason Bateman on Ellen. Jason Bateman talks about how much he smokes and drinks while filming Ozark.

You can see why.

You develop a new level of respect for Jason Bateman. You briefly fantasize about sex with Jason Bateman.

You realize having sex with Jason Bateman wouldn’t be good for your marriage. You feel guilty.

You check on your husband to see if he still wants some.

He is asleep. He has also had a long day.

You secretly feel relieved.

You watch more Ozark and wonder if anyone actually takes you seriously. It dawns on you that the cartel lawyer in Ozark also played Jessica Jones’ mom in season two. You look her up on IMDB to see what other roles she’s played. You finish Ozark and watch some Jessica Jones.

You realize that sometime soon, you’ll grow just desperate enough to finish season two of Iron Fist.

You briefly wonder if you’re wasting your life.

You look at yourself in your phone’s selfie mode, then check your bank account. You decide you are not wasting your life. It just feels like that sometimes — because life is hard, and you need a break. You picture all the times your daughter smiled at you today.

No, you’re definitely not wasting your life.

You briefly feel guilty for not reading more books. You write “read more books” on a post-it note. Tomorrow your kid scribbles all over your to-do list. You make another one. You keep writing.