What It Means To Be A Feminist Dad
Our understanding of fatherhood and masculinity needs an update.
…it’s something so many of us feel inside but haven’t named yet.
The moment you become responsible for a baby, you see yourself as a father figure. But at the same time, you’re also struck by society’s double-edged sword of masculine expectations. What does it mean to be a good ‘dad’? Does he need to be strong? Does he need to be kind? Does he need to be both?
Jordan Shapiro’s new book is a road map to become a feminist dad
A good father makes a difference in every child’s life. He can be a pillar of strength and discipline as well as support, and joy. But have you ever heard of ‘feminist fatherhood’?
A few months ago I saw that Eve Rodsky, New York Times (NYT) bestselling author of ‘Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)’ recommended an upcoming book from Jordan Shapiro exploring the identity of fathers in a modern household.
You may know Shapiro from his change-triggering NYT bestseller, ‘The New Childhood: Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World’. In his new book, ‘Father Figure: How to Be a Feminist Dad’, which was launched last week, he shares personal experiences and anecdotes describing his failures, as well as research-based insights.
‘(…)Shapiro offers us hope for a future where fatherhood is radically reimagined and this is the road map to get us there.’
Eve Rodsky, #1 NYT bestselling author of FAIR PLAY
Parents will be talking about this book soon
To be honest, I hadn’t heard of Shapiro before, maybe because I’m not from America where the author is huge. But as soon as I read the blurb, Shapiro had me, and I immediately wanted to read an excerpt. For me, it was a game-changer.
He gives words to the modern fatherhood experience we all feel inside but most of us haven’t named yet.
I’m sure mothers, as well as fathers, will be talking about this book soon. Since parents don’t have much time for reading, I wanted to give you some key insights you can use on the playground when you find yourself talking to ‘show-off-parents’ who somehow managed to read the whole book in one sitting.
With the launch of ‘Father Figure’, Jordan Shapiro was interviewed by Brandy Ferner. She is a mom who runs the podcast ‘Adult Conversation’.
Here are some of the key thoughts from that interview.
What triggered Shapiro to write ‘Father Figure: How to Be a Feminist Dad’?
Interestingly, Shapiro is divorced, shares half-time custody of his two children and lives with his girlfriend and her two children in a blended family. In some ways, his new book is a follow-up to the first. When Shapiro received the first reviews for his initial book, ‘The New Childhood’ he was criticized from all sides for being a ‘divorced dad’.
- How could a divorced dad know what’s going on with children?
- Divorced dads aren’t that involved, are they?
- How could Shapiro be a parenting expert when he didn’t fit the model people expected?
But what is the ‘right’ kind of home life anyway? Shapiro felt stigmatized by these prejudices and confronted by the implication that ‘divorced dads’ can’t possibly be ‘good fathers’. Commonly the media shows divorced dads in a largely bad light. But in my view, Shapiro is the example, that divorced dads can, not only be ‘good dads’ and a father figure for their children, they can write insightfully about modern fatherhood.
Should I read it?
Statistically speaking, women are the ones reading books, especially self-help books. But men are also interested in improving and polishing their self-esteem. This book is for both: mothers and fathers, women and men. Shapiro’s book is potentially life-changing for every caregiver. No matter if we pre-read it and then highlight some passages for our partner or we give him the book as a belated Father’s Day present.
Let’s take my husband as a case study. He’s trying to be the best father and husband he can be. But in the evening, he’s often still disappointed with his behaviour during the day and often has the feeling he’s messing parenting up. For instance, he lost his temper, yelled at our baby and he wished he hadn’t.
If you really want to know what psychological struggles your partner and father of your children is going through these days, you should read the book.
Shapiro writes about the unclear messages receive about ‘how to father the right way’, his own failures and what he’s learned, all backed up with recent research.
What is ‘feminist fatherhood’?
If you think about a ‘father figure’, what pops up in your mind? Maybe, that fathers have to be masculine, paternal, dominant, aggressive, powerful, authoritative and lay down the law? Maybe he is a patriarchal tyrant?
Or maybe you’ve recognized that gender norms are shifting these days? Shapiro asks us to question the status quo and to update our family lives accordingly. He states that, although gender norms are in transition, our traditional family values stay the same. We need to build a new foundation in order to create meaningful identity narratives.
According to Shapiro, modern fathers can take a different kind of caretaking role in the lives of their children and therefore can write a different kind of ‘father narrative’. When they build a stronger sense for themselves and attune to the changes that are going on, they can become so-called ‘feminist dads’.
Of course, we all know that ‘feminism is for everybody.’
In the eponymous book, the author, bell hooks explains the often misunderstood term:
‘Simply put, feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression’.
Shapiro wants us to think of ‘feminism’ as a framework, a variable tool to make intentional decisions which are anti-sexist, non-violent, gender-sensitive, and flexible.
What is ‘narcissistic patriarchal authority’?
This is a key phrase in Shapiro’s book. In short, the root is narcissism. Father knows best. It’s an idea that is constantly presented in the media. Dad is the center of the story. Everything revolves around him because boys are taught to create ‘their story’.
As you may know, Narcissus was a boy who saw his reflection in a pool of water and starts to love it so much that the rest of the world disappears. It’s the idea that no matter what else is going on, all you see is yourself. Many dads see their children as their gofer and their wives simply to make them work better. You may also know the saying ‘Behind every successful man is a strong woman.’
I’ve learned that the word ‘authority’ comes from the same root as ‘author’.
Men are taught they are the ones who should ‘author their story’, and anyone else in their story is only a supplemental character. For instance, when my husband is at his worst, he thinks our baby is a nerve-wrecking interruption of his self-fulfillment plans in the form of his beloved side hustle.
Sometimes he also thinks, ‘Daddy is king of the household’ and ‘This is my story’. But, meanwhile, our little one also has a life going on: he’s teething or feeling sick, he wants to snuggle or is hungry.
Is my vagina dictating chores?
Recently, I wrote an article for Erin Hendriksen. It's called ‘Is My Vagina Dictating Chores?’. The story is about the research-based insight that men and women are far more equal than we think. Therefore we should think critically about household labor and ask ourselves if we do the things because we’re better at it or because it’s ‘our job’ based on our ‘genetics’?
Being the breadwinner isn’t heroic in its own way
Since fathers play a big role in their children’s lives, Shapiro recommends acknowledging this fact and not becoming a villain in somebody else’s story.
For example, my friend’s husband thinks he is a hero because he’s the breadwinner who goes out and makes the money, working 50 hours plus a week. But this isn’t heroic in its own right. Money doesn’t check the entire box of ‘hero’. There is so much more to ‘a hero’.
For instance:
- tending to the needs of the other people in the household
- acknowledging your partner and children
- being willing to respond and to listen
- making time for your family
- helping your partner as a co-parent, not an assistant
The advantages of being a real hero?
- Your family is gonna like you better
- Your marriage is gonna be better
- You’re getting laid (says Brandy Ferner 😋)
This book redefines what it means to be a good father. It’s for anyone who dreams of a world where dads are both strong and kind — a world where children of any gender can look up to the men in their lives.
Adam Grant, #1 NYT bestselling author of THINK AGAIN
Food for thought, isn’t it?
‘Let’s get relational’ tags from me to the feminist Dads on Medium💞
Tom Fenske ScienceDuuude Carlos Garbiras Christopher Robin Paulo Costeri Ashley Sole Krishna V Chaudhary Ryan Glenn Gianfranco Vigneri Anshuman G. Patrick God Frank Larkin
