What it Actually Means to ‘Do the Work’ and Why You Want in on this Trend
Doing the work is emotional; it can be heavy and it can get worse before it gets better. Why do it then? To create the life you desire.
A few weeks ago, I was rambling about inner work to my sister; why everyone needs to “do the work” before becoming a leader, a partner, or a parent. (I do this often, nowadays.)
She cut me off to ask:
What do you mean when you say “do the work”?
It was a simple question with a not-so-simple response. The phrase “doing the work” is as trendy as Los Angeles residents talking about being in therapy (#guilty!).
It has become common practice to rave about our own growth and inner work while even simultaneously dismissing or “canceling” others as not having done “the work”.
Lost in the bubble of self-righteousness is an actual definition of what “the work” is.
Without any research (for once), I compiled notes based on my truth to answer my sister’s thought-provoking question. I then tagged her into my Notes app — definitely giving her more than she bargained for.
This article is an outline of those notes, paired with research and resources found online.
Doing the work is taking intentional steps towards self-improvement through self-healing, and self-love — whatever that means to you.
Doing the work means breaking down who you think you are in order to reveal who you truly are. First to yourself, then to others.
It means identifying why you do what you do, and getting curious about your life — is it fulfilling? Why? Why not?
Doing the work is emotional; it can be heavy and it can get worse before it gets better — reopening old wounds, standing up to those you’ve feared, and pushing yourself to live outside your norm i.e. comfort zone. It is actually emotional labor to work through and come to peace with your “shadow self” over and over again when it keeps rearing its resilient head.
That is the “work”.
Why would you want to go through such emotional turmoil, you might ask? To create the life you desire. To fit into the shoes of who you’re meant to be.
You are the captain of your ship.
When you do the work, you identify your core values and create the life you desire around them. However, you cannot move forward to create this life without looking back at the lessons your history has to offer — identifying your patterns.
In summary, doing the work is taking purposeful steps towards self-improvement through self-healing, and self-love. Though each person will have their own iteration of what “doing the work” looks like, here is how you can embark on a journey to change your life for the better!
Create self-awareness
If you ask a man to describe himself, it is unlikely he will say “I’m a lazy and aggressive liar.”
Most of us do not self-identify with negative traits until a situation brings them out of us. At that point, we react in ways that might come as a surprise — even to ourselves.
In times of distress, the fabric of the heart reveals itself.
An honest employee might steal from the register when his wife is on her death bed, or the mother of a violently murdered boy might meet the culprit in court with peace and forgiveness contrary to the hate and rage most of us imagine.
It’s easy to say we would act differently in hypothetical situations, but the truth is that most of us don’t know what we would do when our deepest core wound or greatest fear becomes a reality.
Self-awareness means knowing yourself deeply on two accounts:
- Understanding yourself (internal) — character traits, personality, and emotions
- Understanding yourself in the context of others (external)— the energy you emit and its impact on others
Even though most people believe they are self-aware, only 10–15% of the people studied [referenced above - (3,600)] actually fit the criteria. — Tasha Eurich
Becoming self-aware means taking a look at your historical patterns honestly. Acknowledge your shortcomings. Be an observer of yourself; needs, flaws, biases, pain bodies, triggers, and traumas. Be honest with yourself.
You must be honest with yourself before you can give honesty to others.
How can you ask someone not to lie to you when they are lying to themselves?
As you know yourself better, you spare yourself and those around you from the hurt and confusion that occurs when your actions do not line up with your words. You are able to articulate who you are and what others can expect of you.
Questions from the notes to ask yourself: Are you a good daughter, sister, employee, or friend? What is “good”? Who defined that? Why does that one person really get on your nerves ? Why do you want kids? What will you do if you never have any? Why do you want to get married? How would you feel about not getting married? What/who has influenced your goals and dreams? Society? Culture? Parents?
Taking Action
Doing the work is more than just creating awareness, it’s about taking action to change behavior.
If Step One is identifying a stairwell, consider Step Two, actually taking the step — climbing out of a life on autopilot.
Doing the work means taking action towards a better you.
I intend to dedicate a separate article on how to do the work, but I’ll leave you with the basics:
Read books, listen to podcasts, watch YouTube videos and TED talks, meditate, and (if possible) book a therapist. Keep showing up for yourself. Finish the book, the episode, the video — don’t just start. Create time and space to prioritize this process in your life.
You’ll have to take action some more — on the actions above, otherwise, all the books will just be words and podcasts will just be noise in the background of your animated mind.
When it comes to “the work”, things can be unintuitive sometimes, like letting go of the familiar and comfortable for a life of unknown.
It is also unintuitive that no action (stillness) can be action.
When I used to hear people say “listen to your body”, I often rolled my eyes and thought “like my body has a voice”. In a way, it does. Our bodies send us signals and vibrations so low that we miss them in the hustle and bustle of each day. Then the vibrations get stronger to demand our attention i.e. we get sick and have no choice but to be still.
Know that it won’t be easy, but trust that it’ll be worth it.
