The measure of a New Jersey man
What Is Your Snow-Shoveling Personality Type?
Ranked on a spectrum from indifferent to anal with data points in between
It snowed in Central Jersey for the first time in three years. Mind you, we don’t count accumulations less than two inches that we just kick aside with our shoe.
The snow day protocol is always the same: 1. Wake up and check how much snow is on the ground, 2. see if it’s still snowing and 3. if the result of 2. is positive, crawl back in bed.
From this point the routine varies from home to home depending on the Snow-Shoveling Personality Type (SSPT) of the household shoveler, typically the male. (No offense females — it’s an unwritten clause in the marriage contract: “I carry your progeny for nine months, you shovel the f’ing snow.”)
Once the mutually agreed-on community shoveling time starts (first fool goes out, collective guilt takes over), garage doors open one after another and SSPTs go on full display.
The pragmatist
This type uses flawed logic to avoid being a real Jersey Man.
“It’s all gonna melt, so what’s the panic? I’ve never seen snow last past Easter. With global warming everything will be gone in a week or two.”
This extreme on the low end of the SSPT scale is hoping that enough people will trudge along his untouched sidewalk and flatten the snow to a reasonably passable level.
Township ordinance? What township ordinance?
The minimalist
“Shit. Gotta shovel the snow. Wife will get on my case. Neighbors will think I’m a loser if I don’t. What a pain in the ass.”
This type complains mightily, grabs his snow shovel and proceeds to carve a path exactly the width of the shovel from his front door to the sidewalk and along the entire stretch of pavement fronting his house.
If his car measures six feet wide, that’s the width of driveway snow he’ll remove from immediately behind it.
You can spot this SSPT driving on a street or highway by the artfully carved-out portholes on his windshield and rear window while the rest of the car is encrusted in four inches of snow.
The conformist
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this SSPT. The path he leaves on his sidewalk is a respectable two shovels wide, and his driveway is neatly shoveled to allow easy access to and easy egress for his cars.
This is typical of the “I got up early, shoveled my walk and headed out to work” ethic. You can bet this type does the missionary like a Mormon on a tear.
No complaints here. Perhaps from the wife though.
The Great Clips emulator
This is the man who is conscientious about performing his wintry penance. He dutifully slings his shovel outdoors for hours, flinging snow with the ferocity usually reserved for dispelling demons and Jehovah's Witnesses.
Problem is, he strictly adheres to the “substance before style” school of design. “Shovel it out of the way” is his mantra. Not neatly, not completely, just “out of the way.”
Look, I respect this type. He gets the job done, allowing pedestrians to navigate his sidewalk safely and his wife and kids to access the Wagon Queen Family Truckster.
It’s just that I die a little inside every time I see all the ragged edges and unshoveled spots. Have some pride, dude.
The macho man
We all know a man who hits Home Depot within a month of closing on his house and buys the biggest, baddest snow thrower he can find. Anything larger would probably require a CDL license to operate.
About an hour after all the shovel-wielding peasants have started their scrape-scrape-scraping, you can hear Macho Man’s 30-horsepower engine roaring to life, scaring the shit out of every dog in the neighborhood.
These are good men. They prove it year after year by clearing their own sidewalks in three minutes and continuing on to clear the adjoining ten neighbors’ sidewalks as well because their monster engines aren’t even warm yet and being badass is cool.
The ADHD with a side of OCD
This is so me. Seriously though, there are underpinnings of logic here.
There is grass. And there are sidewalks. And there are driveways that are just sidewalks for cars.
When it snows, snowflakes are allowed to land on grass and build little communities. It’s winter; it’s their thing.
Dogs love it. They’ll shit on grass whether it’s covered in snow or not. In fact, it’s much easier to find their poop on a snow-covered lawn.
On the other hand, sidewalks and driveways should be bereft of snow. Dogs don’t shit on them and snow has no business lingering on them either.
Clear of snow means clear of snow. Every flippin’ square centimeter of it.
Which is why I don’t understand the consternation and judgment of others regarding this.
I was happily clearing the sidewalk in front of my house when I noticed flashing lights out of the corner of my eye. A South Brunswick police cruiser had pulled over at the curb beside me.
“Good afternoon, sir, is everything alright? Your neighbors are worried about you.”
“Am I doing something wrong?”
“No sir, it’s just that you’re down on your hands and knees with a spatula in your hand…”
“My neighbors called you about that??”
“Actually, your dog called us about that. She’s worried about you too.”
I decided not to drag out the extension cord and hair dryer this one time. The small snowy spot under my car will just have to suck it up and melt on its own.
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