What is Romance?
Chasing the Mystery
I recently had a conversation about the topic of romance.
“What’s your idea of romance and what kind of dates do you like?” was the question that triggered the many thoughts that ran through my head that morning.
I answered with: “Romance to me is deeply bonding with your partner, and taking the time to Love them in the way that they want to be Loved. Doing things that they appreciate because you like to see them happy, make them feel good, relaxed, cherished.
Social media, and the media in general, have provided ideas of what romance should look like, but I don’t believe that they’re the only gestures that should be appreciated. Different things speak to different people.”
I was somewhat satisfied by my answer, but felt the need to take some time to go a little deeper on the topic. I posed the question to others prior to writing this: “What does romance mean to you?”
We all shared similar answers, and I presented circumstances where what is generally considered romantic would lose its value. I speak of “the mystery” very often nowadays, where one’s interest to get to know you and be in your presence, the desire to give you all that you deserve, dies down as they acquire more access to you. In some ways, I feel that chasing feelings of or the idea of romance will result in the same — interest lost in the relationship or connection.
Acts of Romance — Do Effort and Resources Matter Most?
The media has emphasized the importance of taking vacations with your significant other, candlelit dinners, and rose petals leading to the tub and bed, “I Love you” spelled out on the sheets.
Although these are all things that can be categorized as romantic, acts of romance can be something as small as holding hands on the way to the car, holding the door, taking walks together, making dinner for the other, a massage, filling their refrigerator with food, or gentle kisses on the hand or forehead, and more.
The former acts, that the media presents, require more effort and resources. The latter are things that can be done every day, most times with little thought to them. Again, as those acts are smaller and done more consistently, they lose their value over time, which made me question whether romance is often only seen as “going above and beyond” for your person, and only truly valued when this is the case.
Somehow, that first kiss always seems to hold more value than the 137th one. The day that you met your partner seems to have more value than coming home to them everyday of the week. That “breath of fresh air” is now something that you have consistent access to, and inhaling it every day diminishes its value as opposed to taking in fumes on a daily basis, and only having access to fresh air for 8 hours out of the week.
I used to write poems for my significant others in my younger days. The first two or three that I had written were deeply appreciated, and cherished. Before, there was time to read what I had written, and at times, they’d return the gesture in their own way. They would express that it made them feel special, and I wanted to keep those feelings going.
As I had continued to write, the value of the poems had begun to diminish. Suddenly, there was no longer time to read them, and they’d end up lost in the texts that were sent and received throughout the day. I’d write them, send, and they’d go unread.
Why and at what point did things change?
Consistency Ruins Romance — “Rose petals, again?”
Oxford Languages defines romance as:
- a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with Love
- a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life
“Mystery” used in both definitions of the term implies that there is some surprise. “Surprise” is only a feeling that arises when something occurs that is uncommon.
If a romantic gesture is done consistently, the surprise element is no longer present as consistency takes its place. Consistency creates an atmosphere where certain acts are to be expected. In this case, the act is no longer considered romantic, regardless of what is being done.
Hypothetically, if I were to decorate the house with rose petals for every birthday or anniversary, it becomes a “Nice. Rose petals… again?” instead of receiving the same appreciation for the act that was present the first time around. Repeating the act for multiple occurrences leaves your partner feeling that you’ve gotten lazy, and that there was a lack of effort put into preparing for this special event.
Conclusion
From the above section:
Q — “Why and at what point did things change?”
A — Things changed when/because the poems had become consistent. Consistency ruins romance. Had I taken to a different method to express my appreciation, I would have most likely received a different result.
According to this information, keeping the romance alive in a relationship or marriage would require switching things up, and communicating expectations, likes and dislikes. We all would love to believe that consistency with acts would be beneficial to love and relationships, but it’s really to keep the surprises coming.
Chasing romance should not be the focus, but keeping up with your partner and taking the time to create that romantic, intimate atmosphere that the two of you desire should be the route that any couple should take.
Comment to readers:
Please feel free to share your thoughts on the topic as I always appreciate other perspectives, especially if you find difficulty in creating a romantic atmosphere in your relationship/marriage, have been successful in keeping the romance alive, or have your own theory of why the romance dies down with time.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.