What is it You No Longer Know? What is Now Uncertain?

Summary

The author reflects on personal uncertainty and the struggle to reconcile personal desires for peace with the trials of life, including depression, while acknowledging the joy and support found in family.

Abstract

The author of the web content grapples with existential questions about life's purpose and personal desires, specifically a longing for peace. After finding God, they question whether their desire for peace aligns with the trials they believe are meant to endure. Diagnosed with depression, the author ponders whether it is a part of their life's trials, chosen pre-mortally. Despite an amazing life filled with loving family and support, there is an admission of wanting more, coupled with the realization that demanding life on one's own terms leads to dissatisfaction. The author concludes by advocating for acceptance of uncertainty and embracing life as it is, suggesting this approach will lead to greater happiness.

Opinions

The author is uncertain if their desire for peace aligns with their understanding of the gospel, which suggests life should include trials.
There is skepticism about the diagnosis of depression, with the author questioning whether it represents a true change in themselves or is simply another trial to endure.
The author feels that their life is blessed, especially with a supportive husband and the joy of being close to their children and grandchildren.
Despite these blessings, the author admits to feeling a sense of discontent and a desire for something more, beyond the already fulfilling aspects of their life.
The author criticizes the human tendency to expect life to conform to personal expectations and the subsequent frustration when it does not.
A resolution is presented to accept life's uncertainties and to find happiness in the embrace of life as it is, rather than seeking an elusive and possibly unattainable personal ideal.

Life… Depression… What do I truly want?

I do not know what I want out of life. I’m pretty sure I want peace. Peace and quiet. I want life on my terms.

But, having found God, I don’t know if that’s what I should want. If I’m understanding the gospel correctly, we are meant to have trials. And probably one of my trials is that I cannot have peace I crave. I cannot have life on my terms.

Depression

They have diagnosed me with depression. For many years I thought I had simply changed. Then came the diagnosis. And now I wonder, am I really depressed? Or have I, as I previously thought, simply changed? I don’t know.

Is this another trial that I’ve been put on earth to go through? I believe I made a choice back in the pre-mortal life, to come and go through this life as it has been.

Life

My life is amazing. It truly is. My kids and their spouses not only love me enough to buy a home with my husband and I, they also like me enough to do so. Because of this, I get to spend a life with seven of my eight grands. And my children.

My husband is amazing. He loves me. Of this I have no doubt. He cherishes me and supports me in whatever I want to do. My T cooks and even homeschools three of the seven grands. He makes it so that I can write as a full-time job. What more can I ask for?

And yet, I want more. I demand more.

What does anyone truly want?

How silly is it to demand that life meets us on OUR terms. And then piss and moan when it doesn’t go the way we want.

Let’s make a choice right now. To accept that which is uncertain. Simply embrace life as we know it. If we do so, I believe we’ll be a lot more happy, even if we no longer know what it is we truly want.