What is Friendship?

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Abstract

pieces about my early childhood. My first 10 years were spent in Orange, Texas, a small city right on the southern border of Texas and Louisiana. Our next-door neighbor had kids close to my age. I remember going over and meeting the kids one day and we played. They showed me their television set which had the strangest tube in it (don’t even get me started on trying to describe it). When I came home later I was told to never associate with “those kids”. To this day, I don’t know why.Sometime later I was invited to a birthday party. His name was John and he wore glasses. He also had a dog that we played with while we were in their backyard. I had fun that day. Alas, I never saw John again.When we moved to West Texas when I was 10, I started over again trying to make friends. I was in one school for 3 months and then started at another school that next school year (5th grade). The neighborhood we moved to had a lot of kids and they had a neighborhood school. Every one of my classmates lived within a mile of my house. I was able to hang out with some of the kids but by 5th grade, they all had been friends a long time and I was the newcomer. I now realize that by age 10, I had no clue how to make friends. To make matters worse, we had to return home after school and were not allowed outside until weekends or summer. And perish the thought of going to sleepovers. We were even banned from going to church (and the related youth groups).I’ve followed a few of those elementary classmates over the years and most of them have life-long close friendships with each other. I don’t.In junior high and high school, I was able to meet new people. But most of those lived miles from me and without transportation, I was unable to develop relationships with them. And I didn’t know how to solve that dilemma.Today I find myself impatient with others, especially those who are “friends”. It is almost like I don’t want to spend the time with them to develop a closer friendship. I have a few friends now that I try to keep up with, but it’s very difficult. One friend went on a short trip that turned into a marathon. I don’t know w

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hen I will see him again. We bonded over a shared hobby and fortunately, thanks to internet chat, we can keep up.Other acquaintances live too far away to see regularly and we don’t seem to have the time to catch up.I have belonged to a few social groups over the years, but I always feel like the odd man out. So I quit going. In some ways, I think I enjoy my loner status. That’s what I tell myself, but the truth is I don’t like being the odd one. I don’t like being the one that has to insert myself into a conversation. And I especially don’t like being the guy who is looked at as the extra guy, the one who doesn’t belong.I do blame my parents. They did not give me the social skills to deal with friendship, nor the opportunity to learn those skills on my own. By the time I realized that I didn’t know how to be a friend, I had lost so many opportunities.I keep up with some of my high school classmates on social media, but we were never friends. Even the nerds in my class (I was a nerd, too) didn’t want me around. I remember in high school we had several Star Trek fans. One of my classmates found a place to order Starfleet insignias and was collecting money to order a bunch. I remember asking several times if they had arrived but hearing “no”. I found out later that the insignias had arrived two weeks after the order, but the group decided that I should not get mine because I didn’t belong. The leader finally apologized and gave me my Science Officer badge. Even then I didn’t understand. (As an aside… one of those in that group later moved to California and became a screenwriter, and wrote an episode for “Star Trek — The Next Generation”.)Now that I have had this insight as to why I don’t “really” have friends, what can I do about it?I don’t know. I know I can’t force my way into friendships. And I’ve learned that close friendships are limited in the number one can have. For all I know, I have had people who thought they were close to me, but I never realized it. Unfortunately, I can’t go back and fix that one.Seems I still have a lot of learning to do.</article></body>

I don’t really know the answer

I’ve been on this planet for over 63 years now and I finally realized the other day that I don’t have any close friends. (There are caveats to that statement which I will cover.)

I’ve been thinking about this for some time and trying to figure out what went wrong with me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a fiancee that I love deeply and she is my best friend. I also considered my ex-wife to be my best friend when we were married (and we still chat on occasion). And I know a lot of people that I consider to be friends, but it’s mostly on a professional basis. Pretty sure that my professional friends won’t be having me over to dinner anytime soon.

Before I dive into the why, I should define what a close friend is to me. Maybe my perception is wrong, but I don’t know. To me, a close friend is someone that you can call at any time of day or night to talk about anything. A close friend is someone you can sit on the porch with, drink a beer, and not say a word but just enjoy their presence. A close friend is someone who will be there for you when you are in need.

I know a lot of people who have a good number of close friends. They hang out, swap lies, have dinner, share secrets… you know, friend stuff. Usually, they have shared interests or something in their past that ties them together. Seems simple enough.

Okay, I have lots of interests. And I have lots of “friends”. But we don’t hang out. We don’t sit on the porch. We don’t have dinners. We just don’t see each other, other than when we are doing our shared interests.

So what went wrong with me? Looking back at my childhood, I believe it’s because I was never allowed or taught to have friends. I remember bits and pieces about my early childhood. My first 10 years were spent in Orange, Texas, a small city right on the southern border of Texas and Louisiana. Our next-door neighbor had kids close to my age. I remember going over and meeting the kids one day and we played. They showed me their television set which had the strangest tube in it (don’t even get me started on trying to describe it). When I came home later I was told to never associate with “those kids”. To this day, I don’t know why.

Sometime later I was invited to a birthday party. His name was John and he wore glasses. He also had a dog that we played with while we were in their backyard. I had fun that day. Alas, I never saw John again.

When we moved to West Texas when I was 10, I started over again trying to make friends. I was in one school for 3 months and then started at another school that next school year (5th grade). The neighborhood we moved to had a lot of kids and they had a neighborhood school. Every one of my classmates lived within a mile of my house. I was able to hang out with some of the kids but by 5th grade, they all had been friends a long time and I was the newcomer. I now realize that by age 10, I had no clue how to make friends. To make matters worse, we had to return home after school and were not allowed outside until weekends or summer. And perish the thought of going to sleepovers. We were even banned from going to church (and the related youth groups).

I’ve followed a few of those elementary classmates over the years and most of them have life-long close friendships with each other. I don’t.

In junior high and high school, I was able to meet new people. But most of those lived miles from me and without transportation, I was unable to develop relationships with them. And I didn’t know how to solve that dilemma.

Today I find myself impatient with others, especially those who are “friends”. It is almost like I don’t want to spend the time with them to develop a closer friendship. I have a few friends now that I try to keep up with, but it’s very difficult. One friend went on a short trip that turned into a marathon. I don’t know when I will see him again. We bonded over a shared hobby and fortunately, thanks to internet chat, we can keep up.

Other acquaintances live too far away to see regularly and we don’t seem to have the time to catch up.

I have belonged to a few social groups over the years, but I always feel like the odd man out. So I quit going. In some ways, I think I enjoy my loner status. That’s what I tell myself, but the truth is I don’t like being the odd one. I don’t like being the one that has to insert myself into a conversation. And I especially don’t like being the guy who is looked at as the extra guy, the one who doesn’t belong.

I do blame my parents. They did not give me the social skills to deal with friendship, nor the opportunity to learn those skills on my own. By the time I realized that I didn’t know how to be a friend, I had lost so many opportunities.

I keep up with some of my high school classmates on social media, but we were never friends. Even the nerds in my class (I was a nerd, too) didn’t want me around. I remember in high school we had several Star Trek fans. One of my classmates found a place to order Starfleet insignias and was collecting money to order a bunch. I remember asking several times if they had arrived but hearing “no”. I found out later that the insignias had arrived two weeks after the order, but the group decided that I should not get mine because I didn’t belong. The leader finally apologized and gave me my Science Officer badge. Even then I didn’t understand. (As an aside… one of those in that group later moved to California and became a screenwriter, and wrote an episode for “Star Trek — The Next Generation”.)

Now that I have had this insight as to why I don’t “really” have friends, what can I do about it?

I don’t know. I know I can’t force my way into friendships. And I’ve learned that close friendships are limited in the number one can have. For all I know, I have had people who thought they were close to me, but I never realized it. Unfortunately, I can’t go back and fix that one.

Seems I still have a lot of learning to do.