What Is Emotional Intimacy, Really?

There’s Nothing Sexual About It

Actual Emotional Intimacy connects us to our emotions, not hiding from, repressing, invalidating, or ignoring them. Understanding and working with our emotions provides us with more self-awareness, not a reactive approach. Learning to identify, experience, and skillfully express our emotions will help us engage in intimate relationships. Emotional intelligence will lead to emotional intimacy in personal relationships. I will not use feelings instead of emotions in this post. It is too broad of a term. There is a difference; feeling hungry, tired, or horny does not express emotions but bodily responses.

Physical Intimacy Should Not Eclipse Emotional Intimacy

When we think of ‘intimacy,’ we automatically think of physical intimacy. But we use physical intimacy to avoid emotional intimacy. How often do we cut off a soul gaze (looking deep into one another’s eyes) by moving in for a kiss? Holding a soul gaze feels too uncomfortable. How about make-up sex ending an argument becoming routine rather than talking out the issue, so the issue circles back again?

Perhaps we subconsciously see direct eye contact as a dominance challenge. To stare down a dog or wolf can make them uncomfortable or even agitated. I’ve heard you should never make eye contact with a gorilla, bear, or a leopard because they see it as an act of aggression, but you should stare down a lion. (I wouldn’t want to have to test that theory myself.)

Depending on one’s culture, direct eye contact can be considered rude or required; it’s an East versus West thing. In the Middle East, it is inappropriate for a woman to hold a man’s gaze unless she’s showing ‘interest.’ In Japan, direct eye contact is considered disrespectful. But even in the West, where we expect eye contact, an actual soul gaze can be challenging to maintain. It makes us feel vulnerable.

Emotional Intimacy Is Necessary in Addition to Physical Intimacy

We can be emotionally unavailable, even in long-term monogamous relationships. Harboured resentments or growing apart can lead to partners “checking out.” True intimacy requires constant communication. We need to evolve in our intimate bonds by having those uncomfortable conversations. Getting deep is necessary, not an option. For others to trust us with their emotions, they have to know they can trust in our emotions. It sounds like a Catch-22, but if we have displayed that we are in control of our emotions, not at their whim, it makes it easier for them to open up. They know we won’t lose our temper or pout.

We Are Only Responsible For Our Own Emotions

Sadly, some people see emotionally intelligent individuals as unemotional, or rather, lacking in emotion, which is not true; they feel emotions like everyone else, but they don’t react to them. Being emotionally intelligent does not mean lacking passion or emotions. Taking another person’s feelings personally is not emotionally intelligent, even in an intimate relationship. We are only responsible for our own emotions.

Intimacy Will Always Start With The Self

I can’t say it enough; if you understand and work with your emotions, you need not fear the emotions of others. Sometimes they will be unfounded, leftovers from past traumas or childhood wounds. Those hard conversations can make this clear, and then you can do something to fix it. True intimacy is hard work, a form of evolution, and is never stagnant. Anything worth having is worth the work.

Emotional intimacy is true intimacy and never comes easy. Avoid using physical intimacy to replace it; it’s never as satisfying. Do the work, and find that for which your soul is searching.

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