What is a “Sex Addict”
Living with a self-proclaimed “Sex Addict” opened my eyes to the world of sex addiction
Background on My Journey
My journey began when I was 21 years-old. Fresh faced kid, almost out of college, with a banal experience with dating, sex, and with men in general, as I didn’t have my first teenage romantic fling until 18 years of age, (this consisted of a handful of times making-out).
After that, my heart was a little bit broken. I found out the fling, (who I considered my first boyfriend — back then), was already dating other girls about one week after I went back home. Joke is on him, he knocked-up a lady shortly after that and became a baby-daddy. C’est la vie!
So, let’s really begin the story.
I was 21-years old, he was 24 at the time. It was a very hot end-of-spring night. We were at a Mediterranean restaurant by day, bar/club by night. He asked me to dance, asked me for my number, first date a week later, and the rest is history.
We marry a year-and-a-half later — kind of rushed, I know, but hey, naive me, got pregnant, even with protection and birth control.
After 7 years of marriage (2015), he admits to me he has “a problem”, he just “couldn’t help himself”, he has been “seeking sex” outside of our marriage since our first born was 6-months old!
For years, I ignored my intuition. I knew something was amiss with us. He was more distant, more irritable, disappeared for hours at times in the middle of the night, when I was supposed to be asleep — I noticed, of course, because babies wake, and guess what, so do their mothers.
To be clear, I am not writing a Novella here, nor am I here to give advise or belittle any one facing addiction(s). When my ex-husband told me about his many betrayals, I was livid.
In the end… I forgave and understood… But the trust, was gone, and it is something I will never forget, it is something I never regained in our relationship.
I am still to this day not sure why he admitted his self-proclaimed addiction for sex — I say self-proclaimed, because he refused to see a therapist and get officially diagnosed.
Maybe, admitting to me he had a problem was his first step of getting “help”? I will never know, because just a few weeks later he would revert back to shutting me out, and not answering my questions about where he had been, why he withdrew so much cash, and why was he blatantly ignoring me and belittling me at the same time.
Maybe he admitted his secret addiction because of accumulated guilt, which had become too much for him to handle? Maybe he knew my temper with his random disappearances, (since our first born was 6-months-old), was getting old. Also, the only repeating excuse for it was “I needed some fresh air… I went for a walk…I went to watch that movie you didn’t want to see with me!” Yeah, a three hour walk in the middle of the night… Yeah, the movies are open past one o’clock in our town… Yeah, right.
Slowly, my eyes began opening to the world of sex addiction, and I learned the following about addicts in general:
They blame everyone but themselves. This only can shift to self-realization and seeking help, treatment, after a drastic change in their life happens (death of close family or friend, divorce, loss of custody of child or children, and/or a near death experience, etc.).
I would like to say that divorce changed him, but really, a person typically needs to hit rock bottom before they realize their addiction will be the end of them.
Signs of Sex Addiction
“Sex Addiction” wasn’t recognized by the Psychological/Psychiatric society, until the late 80’s. The reasons varied, however, modern Psychology recognizes it as an obsession, compulsion to the detriment of the individual, as any substance addiction does over time.
Sex addiction is any compulsive, sexually motivated behavior that is acted out despite the negative consequences. It is also known as sexual compulsion or sexual dependency. Estimates suggest between 12 to 30 million Americans experience some kind of sexual compulsion.
Sex addiction can interfere with one’s social life, physical health, and emotional well-being. It generally does not improve until the person receives treatment.
Most people enjoy sex and seek it out from time to time. In sex addiction, however, this enjoyment becomes an obsession. An individual’s thoughts can be consumed by intense sexual fantasies. They may consistently prioritize sex over family, friends, and work. Over time, an individual may need to engage in increasing amounts of sex (or more unusual forms of sexual gratification) in order to get the same “high” as before.
I couldn’t imagine what he was going through once I learned all these facts.
You see, I was one of those good girls all my life, an exemplary role-model, a good citizen, and so forth… Making his guilt even worse for himself and for our marriage.
Believe me, I wanted to be someone different, to just leave my body and allow it to suspend, and just watch everything from afar, and not integrate any of the hurt and pain I was experiencing almost on a daily basis, living with my ex-husband (husband at the time), the “sex addict”. Leaving me with our children, blaming me for his addiction, taking what made me “me”, slowly, chipping away at my-self esteem, my faith in myself, as a capable: mother, wife, teacher, and lover.
Alas, that was never possible or attainable… To maintain myself, save my self-esteem, in my marriage to a sex addict. I lived it and learned from it all.
Suffice it to say, I tried my very best to help him, but he would not let me in, saying I was too judgmental. Even though, I was right there opening my heart to him, letting him in, but he would not do the same; the relationship was broken, the damage was done, and there would be no return to the before; that world had departed. I was broken, I was torn asunder, I was lesser than I once was from that point forward; I know, so was he, and there was nothing I could do… I was helpless, and he was hopeless.
He wasn’t ready for help, he wasn’t ready to let me in, he wasn’t at that level, yet. He didn’t get there, even after three more years of trying to save our marriage, to save him from himself.
Realizations of Living with a Sex Addict
The saving, doesn’t work, until the person is ready for it and accepts it fully out of his own choice. Like I said before, typically, they have to hit rock bottom, before they’re truly ready for this necessary step to saving themselves from their obsession, compulsion, addiction.
Fast forward two years later, he has not come to terms with the reality of his addiction. How it impacts his life and that of his family, his three children.
We were married for nearly 11 years before I realized I was harming myself, almost as much as his addiction was harming him. I tried to help him, but the reality is the aforementioned; can’t help someone, who doesn’t want to be helped.
This, now days, “Sex Addiction” has become common knowledge:
Sex Addiction in the News and Current Trends with Technology
A number of Hollywood actors — Russell Brand, Michael Douglas, David Duchovny, Colin Farrell, and Rob Lowe — have revealed that they have a problem with sex addiction. “When public figures speak out about their issues in a public way, it can help reduce the shame and stigma surrounding those issues,” says Robert Weiss, LCSW, CEO of Seeking Integrity LLC and author of numerous books about sexual addiction/compulsion, including Sex Addiction 101. He also hosts a sex- and intimacy-focused podcast, Sex, Love, and Addiction 101. “This is important in terms of people understanding their own issues, breaking through their own denial and resistance, and seeking help.”
Another common way “Sex Addicts” can get their fix when sex with another person isn’t readily available, “Sexting”:
… Clients who discover a partner has been “sexting” are often most hurt by the secrecy and lies, she says. “I tell my clients in this situation that the flirter has to be open about the communication and what they’re getting from it. People who keep these kinds of secrets often feel immense shame about their needs and about the secrets. If they can share that part of themselves with their partners, they have an opportunity to become more open and connected, which can actually bring the two of you closer.”
The last line, you read it right, “bring the two… closer.” Obviously, this is one therapist, and not to discredit her, this was true for my ex-husband and I, for a time. That time passed, when he reverted back to lying to me, even though the “cat was out of the bag”, so to speak.
Something addicts will do a lot to cover their core issues and continue the addiction, and self-denial, is to use narcissistic behavior; such as displace blame, projections, gaslighting, and so on with the manipulation games.
There was plenty of that happening in our marriage, even before my ex-husband admitted to me he had a problem; hence, I was in self-denial for a very, very long time, unwilling and unable to recognize the emotional abuse I was tolerating. Remember, I was naive, inexperienced with relationships, and he was my first and only love. I did marry him during the “rose-colored lenses” phase of our relationship, so the relationship was doomed possibly from the start.
Here is the current definition of what is “Sex Addiction”:
What is Sex Addiction?
Considerable controversy surrounds the diagnosis of “sex addiction.” It’s been excluded from the fifth edition of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5), but it’s still written about and studied in psychology and counseling circles.
Additionally, it can still be diagnosed using both DSM-5 (as “Other specified sexual dysfunction”) and the “International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems” (ICD-10) criteria (as “Other sexual dysfunction not due to a substance or known physiological condition”).
By way of a definition, “sex addiction” is described as a compulsive need to perform sexual acts in order to achieve the kind of “fix” that a person with alcohol use disorder gets from a drink or someone with opiate use disorder gets from using opiates.
Today, my ex-husband, is still a self-proclaimed sex addict. Divorce is through. I may have separated on paper legally, but emotionally, I am not sure I’ll ever be fully apart from him?
He is the father of my children, whom I love dearly with all of my being. He is a part of their lives, and forever a part of my life. His addiction almost ruined me, and my self-esteem.
However, he is still his own victim, his own worst enemy. Addiction rules him, he is chained to it, possibly for life. I pray, and wish him to come to the realization that he needs help.
Until then, I can only recover from my own wounds, apart physically from him. No longer endangering my health, my mental health, my livelihood, my daughters general well-being, and theirs and my self-esteem.
If you are facing sex addiction or living with someone who has this addiction, consider joining an S-Anon group for people living with addicts, supporting addicts who are relatives, spouses, significant others, etc.
(Mother, teacher, avid reader of everything, occasional writer, and activist - who are you? )
P.S. A song for those facing challenges with an unfaithful spouse and/or partner. Remember, this is not on you. This is their issue, the betrayer, and his/her lover.