Summary

A hands-on father and supportive husband reflects on the balance of household duties and parenting responsibilities, emphasizing the importance of shared responsibilities in modern partnerships.

Abstract

The author presents a personal account of his role as a father and husband in a modern household where traditional gender roles are redefined to fit contemporary life. He describes an egalitarian approach to parenting and domestic chores, with his wife working long hours as the primary breadwinner. Despite his contributions, he considers his efforts the minimum expected of an equal partner. He cooks, cleans, and cares for their child, while also acknowledging his wife's incredible ability to excel at work and motherhood. The author's reflections challenge the notion of praise for doing what he believes should be standard in a partnership.

Opinions

The author views his involvement in childcare and household chores as an essential part of being a father and husband, not as an extraordinary effort.
He admires his wife's capacity to manage a demanding career while being an exemplary mother, indicating a deep respect for her abilities.
The author is self-aware about his own limitations, such as his strategic approach to changing diapers and his inability to ignore a messy kitchen due to his cleanliness standards.
He believes that shared responsibility in a partnership should be the norm rather than the exception, and thus does not seek praise for his contributions.
The author is proud of meeting the minimum standard of shared responsibility, suggesting that there is room for improvement to be considered 'great' in his roles.
He values his wife's pride in their home and is conscious of contributing to the household in a way that supports her professional success.

What Is a Great Husband and Father?

Reflections from Father’s Day

I am a pretty hands-on dad. And, if I do say so myself, a supportive husband. While my wife and I are pro-traditional gender roles — at least in a way that makes sense for the modern world — our household is pretty egalitarian.

For example, she is a professional and works rather gruelling hours. They’re flexible, yes, but they’re many. And she would be considered the breadwinner by any definition that doesn’t include “sole earner”. I contribute too but, as an executive at a Fintech startup, a fair amount of my remuneration is tied up in equity — I am the long-term plan.

When it comes to parenthood we’re fairly balanced. My wife does the night-time duties — bath, bottle, bed — including the late-night “mommy” calls. From time to time, I take the night shift but realistically it doesn’t work for two reasons:

I sleep like the dead. While my wife will get woken by me eating crisps in the living room, a good 20 meters away (this actually happened), I could sleep through three-quarters of the end of the world. So when I get up to see to our son, she generally (read: always) wakes up first; and
as is the way with little boys, when things go bump in the night, dad is not the first port of call.

On particularly gruelling nights, I will help out. On the following mornings, I’ll make sure she gets extra sleep. Sometimes our little man demands mommy then regardless. Such is life.

And depending on the importance of the next day’s work commitments, we will adjust this as necessary.

So I do the morning shift. Every morning, sometimes from 05:30 sometimes from 06:00, I get up to hang-out with my son. Sure, it can get tiring never sleeping in, save Father’s day and an occasional weekend, but I deal with mornings so much better than she does. And, to be fair, the two hours between 5 and 7 is her only real off-duty time.

One thing I have to mention is that she does this every night and still excels at work. It’s nothing short of incredible. Her profession is stressful. I might get the brunt of that stress from time to time, but our son never does. I have never come across a better mother.

I do change nappies. But I won’t lie, I am more than a little strategic when my nose catches a very specific scent. I am fortunate that his smell is close enough to mine that I can pick it up before anyone else. The world, on the other hand, is not. So, often I will dodge the dirty nappie. It’s not my proudest trait. But, sure enough, if I am alone, I can manage.

I cook every night. I enjoy cooking so it’s no issue. For the most part, my wife enjoys my cooking too. She’s a better cook than me, so I chalk it down to extra practice. Honestly though, after a long day, I know that she would rather spend the precious moments with our boy. Who could blame her?

But I also do the cleaning up. My wife is brilliant in that she knows I am border-line OCD. She has never once said that she won’t clean — save her reluctance to wash dishes leading to her buying our dishwasher — but she is happy to leave it for the morning. A completely reasonable strategy…for anyone that isn’t “clean-kitchen-obsessed”. She knows I can’t sit on the couch when the kitchen’s a mess. I’ve tried but it physically hurts.

We share the rest of the housework pretty evenly. I know how to wash clothes — I use more softener than she does — and I know how to iron, vacuum, sweep as well as mop the floors. And I employ those skills regularly. Activities my dad never really did at home because he had a far less flexible career.

She does tidy more than I do. She’s house proud. And I am wife proud — something she shies from, she’ll probably hate this post.

So, yeah, I think I am a fairly hands-on dad and a supportive husband. Here’s the thing though. Some of my friends commend me on my involvement. Some of my wife’s friends do the same. They will throw around words like “lucky” when they’re speaking to her and “great” when they’re speaking to me.

But this, what I’ve described above, is the absolute minimum of fairly divided work.

I am a husband and a father. That means I have an equal responsibility in running the house and looking after our son. I am not trying to blow my own horn here but, honestly, I have in the past. Because it’s not always so obvious what shared responsibility means.

But, over time, I have realised what my overt pride actually meant. I was proud of doing what I should have been doing anyway. It’s like expecting praise for showing up to work every day. That’s the job, the minimum expectation. What do you want for doing your job? A badge?

So, yes, I am proud I am doing my part, especially in a world where that isn’t always the case. But, I am proud only to the extent of meeting the minimum standard. Or, at least, what it should be.

To be great, I could do more.

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