What I’m Looking For in a Man

Any man, any age!

Well, not quite any age — just older than my oldest son who’s almost 52! Yes, I know — I was a child bride 😉

(Just looking for a photo of a clean-shaven man was like looking for my ideal man. Even this guy has a little bit of facial hair and is way too young! But those eyes! I’m a sucker for eyes!)

Geez, I must be o-l-d! I’ve caught up with five of my male friends in the past week. Don’t get me wrong — they’re all nice guys. They can all get it up — that one thing they must be able to do. I met them all online.

So what’s wrong with me? One is funny — even in bed. The first time we did the deed we were staying in a nice hotel. We came back to our room and he said I could have the first shower. What a gentleman. I hopped into the shower and dressed in my new pyjamas.

He then showered and came out fully dressed in his PJs.

“I was expecting you to come out naked…” We laughed and had a race to see who could get their jammies off the quickest! If I hadn’t said anything, I don’t think he would have jumped my bones. He takes me places and enjoys showing me a good time. He always makes me laugh. So what’s wrong with this man? He’s tall and has blue eyes and he’s not bad looking either but he’s racist so that’s hard for me to digest. Of greater importance to me is he says things like “ apostrophes should be banned”. I was so flabbergasted when he said this I couldn’t even start arguing the case for apostrophes. I didn’t say a word. Topic closed.

Another one is also fun to spend time with. He’s a great cook, wines and dines me, and is great in bed, although we usually don’t get that far. 😜 But he can’t remember what he’s told me so he has the same repertoire of stories that I’ve heard so many times I could tell you the story. He’s fun to spend a Saturday night with. His house is immaculate — he has OCD so there’s no way I could live with him. He has a lovely pool and backs onto bushland so it’s skinnydipping before and /or after dinner. I don’t have to lift a finger — it’s lovely to be waited on hand and foot. He was the only one who came to see me in hospital. That impressed me.

And then there’s Santa’s Little Helper — he’s been such a help to me over the past few months doing things that I just physically cannot do anymore. He never expects payment for anything. It’s too much. I feel like I’m useless, which I am, but I don’t like feeling this way. But I’m not special — he does this for every woman he meets. A Good Samaritan for sure. He goes above and beyond and reminds me too much of an ex of mine who treated me like a princess until he didn’t.

And then there’s the one who’s just learning to walk again. We stopped seeing each other two years ago and have only just started again recently. I can be myself with him and have honest intimate discussions about anything and everything. But I need to be the one who’s being looked after — I know that’s selfish — but he’s probably the pick of the bunch.

And then there’s my ex. Well, ex number three. He’s a great stepdad to Keeley so I see him regularly. I think he has oppositional defiant behaviour as well as Asperger’s. For years I’ve told him a beard doesn’t suit him and to shave. So now he’s grown a handlebar moustache that looks ridiculous. He wears outlandish clothes — old yard clothes if he’s going out and a suit if he’s working in the yard — a slight exaggeration but not too far off. He has a weird sense of humour and laughs uproariously at his own jokes. His weirdness was what attracted me in the first place, but it wears thin after a few years.

They are all younger than me. So that box is ticked. I don’t want an “old man”. I want someone who makes me feel younger and challenges me to do stuff — go camping, go hiking, go travelling, whatever.

So if I took all of the good features of these five men, could I come up with my perfect man?

1. Taller than me and not skinny. Cleanshaven and younger than me — these are all physical features that attract me. Preferably blue or green eyes or two of different colours — didn’t you love David Bowie’s eyes?
2. A good cook — I loathe cooking every night! I’ll starve rather than cook.
3. He doesn’t want to move in with me nor I with him — he’d have to be a real catch and get my youngest daughter’s approval.
4. How do I put this bluntly? People say “good in the sack” but I prefer loving, caring and considerate in the bedroom. He puts my sexual needs before his own. Yeah I know that sounds selfish too. I don’t need a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” guy as intercourse itself gives me minimal pleasure — it’s all the other stuff I love.
5. I want a man who thinks I’m smarter than he is — even if I’m not. Gees, I’m hard to please aren’t I?
6. No smokers or alcoholics or any sort of addict need apply. Enjoying a glass of wine with a meal is totally acceptable or having a beer after mowing the lawn.
7. I’d hope he loves his children even if they never contact him, and didn’t talk about his ex-wife in a derogatory manner. I don’t want to hear about “the bitch from hell” at all actually unless I ask a direct question.
8. He loves cats and dogs as much as I do. The way a man treats his pets tells me a lot about him.
9. I don’t need a liar, a narcissist, or a braggart — been there, done that and it’s not what I’m looking for in a man.
10. A good conversationalist and a good listener are both high on my list of priorities.
11. Must love travelling with me — and I can be a bit of a pain in the arse to travel with — so you must be even-tempered and a good driver.
12. It’d be nice if he had a cottage in a French village. I did meet someone who did, but that’s all he had going for him.

I don’t want much, do I? I think I’m a “pretty good catch”. I’m not ugly (don’t look at my knees!), I’m entertaining and fun to be with, just ask my daughter, Keeley.

Here’s what Linda Ng wants in a partner.

And Iva Ursano lists what she looks for in a man.

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