What if This Day Be Your Last?

A Reflection on Mortality

A frightening thought woke me in the middle of last night!

Something happened;

I died before I return and

Could not see you again, myBeloved!

Have I said all I wanted to say to you?

Did I tell you that I love you more than life itself?

Would you miss me if I die?

So many questions ….

With no time left to say them all.

myPeony, you have taken my heart and all that my love offers,

My embraces and kisses, gifts and more.

It is honourable and pleasing to God to love again. There is no shame or guilt being loved and to love one who loves you as much as I do. The past belongs to a different season in another era. Let not the past comes between us … we can build our own new memories and a fresh new future together. The choice is ours.

And there is no time left, myLove.

Each time I am on God’s mission, I embark on a journey knowing that I may not return. That God may require me to sacrifice myself, my life, during His mission work. I recalled East Timor in June 2006, I joined my missionaries to bring rice, cooking oil and food to refugee camps … with fightings erupting everywhere, hearing gunfires all the time, as we drove through the city. I actually slept in a bedroom with a bullet hole in the window … where it was shot at just 3 nights earlier! I was also at a restaurant just 10 minutes away from a riot where someone was beheaded and others shot by arrows and had their limbs cut off by an axe! God’s indeed protected His own, praise Him! In June-July 2006, I returned to Timor Leste 4 more times, and twice in 2007, with medical teams and other relief efforts!

Pakistan, September 2008, I was in Quetta city, a border town full of Talebans and other Muslim extremists who would stick a knife in me, a Christian, anytime. I went back in September 2009, and will return to Pakistan again. My Pakistan mission was to help train pastors and youth leaders in leadership and management.

I remembered walking through Nias town centre in June 2005, collapsed buildings from the March earthquake were everywhere. I met a hardware merchant who pointed to his collapsed house and said that his 7-year old son was still buried there. Another told me his wife and 2 children died during that earthquake night … yet another said that life had to go on even though he too is now alone. So many deaths, so much pains, griefs and sadness! Yet they have such courage, perseverence and resilience. What an inspiration! Nothing of such magnitude ever happened to me before, and I thank God for putting my past loss and griefs in a clearer, more balanced perspective. There were regular minor quakes and tremors in Nias, even when I was there.

My Father’s Business

This is what I do, that’s who I am. This is the business I have chosen and will be mostly involved with … God’s Mission, which I refer to as “my Father’s business” — to ease suffering, help widows and the fatherless, protect and feed orphans, tend to the sick and lift up the weak. God loves them and I love them because God loves me so much. Know now why I helped you when we met, myLove, without any conditions or expectations.

My life has been dedicated to God … I have gladly given it to Jesus Christ who loves me and gave His life for mine, and because He rose again, I shall live with Him forever this moment even after I pass on from this world.

I am mindful that on one of my Father’s missions, I may not return. If not during the Nias or Timor Leste missions, it could have been the Pakistan mission in 3–10 February 2010 … or the other missions during 2010 and beyond. Did I tell you that my vehicle, which I was driving, nearly veered off the mountain side in a mission to Timor Leste in 2007?

Time is not on my side, myLove …. Now, you know why.

I regard myself as a dying man … a soldier of God who is ready to sacrifice my life for Christ as He commands or wishes in accordance to His best plans for me.

Each day I need to tell you how much I love you, my dearly beLoved. Every night I want to tell you again that I love you and that I am much happier ever since you came into my life. Are you also happier with me? Before each mission, I want to remind you repeatedly of my love for you, and how much you mean to me … just in case I may never see you again.

Should I not return, remember my love, myDarling!

My only regret should I die this day is not being able to hear you say enough that you also loved me. The lingering thought longs as my life and mortality ebb away.

This confession opens more of me to you, myLove. Hopefully, you can see beyond seeming human selfishness, to a much larger me (yes, I know I am very big already!) who have given much by God’s grace to other people’s happiness, including yours. Since you so gladly received the outpourings of my love, accept me the giver also. Be my Soulmate, my constant companion, my comfort, my pillow, my embrace, my friend, my lover, my Eve, my all forever … be by my side and we shall journey together on our Father’s business till the end of our times, my Beloved!

Tomorrow is promised to none of us, especially me. Love me daily each day, my dearest Soulmate, for today could be my last.

When you can love me beyond my giving, I believe God will bless us with many years together. Otherwise, my Love beckons from home in the heavens where love begets love. I want to go home soon, but God will let me remain only to love you as you would also love me.

I know God will bless you in your new career, myDarling. He will grant you energy and stamina, wisdom and confidence, as well as His blessings and protection everywhere you go. He loves you much more than I do; and I love you because He first loved you, and He loves us both together too. I never cease thanking Him daily throughout the day for bringing you into my life, to share these seasons of our lives.

Goodbye for today, myDearest.

God willing, I shall see you again!

Otherwise,

Forget me not, please.