Is AI really our friend?

What If ChatGPT Became the Next Dear Abby?

What would that sound like?

ChatGPT is our friend. A close friend, maybe even a bestie.

Someone you can open up to, ask for advice, request the winning Lotto numbers from, and never have to give anything in return. It’s there to serve. To help. To listen attentively to what bothers you and draw from its vast personal experience in crafting a solution just for you.

I thought it appropriate to imagine asking ChatGPT about the things that affect all of us — relationships gone bad.

Broken hearts and seeing a loved one in our rearview mirror as we drive back to Mom’s house. Let it and its endless resources be brought to bear to help us repair our hearts and minds and get us back on the road to relationship recovery.

Here are a few examples of what ChatGPT might say if we asked it the kind of questions, we usually reserve for only the best of friends.

Q: My boyfriend of nine years, though affectionate in many ways, seems downright allergic to questions of marriage and commitment. I don’t want to chase him away, lord knows he’s easily frightened, I just want your advice on how to get him to listen to me and not think that every conversation will lead him down the aisle — what do you think?

A: Commitment and marriage in the male of the species is a difficult subject for them to consider. Studies show that it is frequently connected to troublesome incidents in their distant past. Like approaching a grizzly bear, 30,000 years ago with only a small stone or a branch that recently fell and hit them on the head and is now being used as a club. It is best to start simply and not frighten him with suggestive comments. I recommend confining your mate to a small chair, one not so easily gotten out of, and starting your conversation off guilelessly. For example: How was your day? Did you drop off the dry cleaning as I asked you to? Did your boss yell at you again?

Then gradually add in more challenging and personal questions. Suggested openings might be: Hon, we’ve been together for almost a decade now and I was wondering … or. Darling, I’m sitting in your lap right now so you won’t run away when I ask you something. Then proceed with addressing the situation area as calmly as you can. Best to be direct after nine years — as you’re not getting any younger. Let me know how this goes.

Q: My girlfriend and I are at a delicate stage in our relationship. We are both from conservative backgrounds and don’t want to rush into, you know, sexual situations, without giving it considerable thought and attention. Prior efforts to discuss this have fallen short of the mark and we are both getting frustrated not to mention putting on considerable weight as we both drive to the all-night dinner whenever words fail us. What do you suggest we do to break the ice?

A: Breaking the ice should be done with caution as it can be dangerous. Drowning could be one result if we were talking about that literally, but we’re not. Luckily my algorithm has prepared me for such diversions and I understand the meaning of the metaphor. Romantically speaking a man and woman are biologically coded to engage in sexual activities, so such should be approached with a degree of detachment — at least initially. Ask your partner — the male can take the lead on this — if she would like to do it, speaking in the colloquial. If she responds in the affirmative, go directly to the bedroom, and let me know how things went.

If she responds in the negative, alter your approach by suggesting that having sex need not happen at once, but perhaps setting a date and time and placing it on the calendar may remove some of the uncertainties that have been present resulting in unwanted weight gain. Be kind and attentive when broaching the subject. Don’t pant, fidget or get too handsy as these actions are unwanted by the female and may result in you being ejected from the car — which could be as equally dangerous as falling through broken ice. Continue in this vein until such time as all impediments have been removed or you two are no longer an item — also in the colloquial.

Q: I’m a teenager and I love my parents to bits and appreciate everything they do for me. It’s just that recently they’ve become very, well—amorous — and sometimes seem to forget that I live in the same house as them. I am getting stressed out trying to avoid — you know, hearing them, when I’m trying to study for my SATs or recording my podcasts on how to train cats. Those background sounds are really hard to edit out. What do you suggest I do about this?

A: Numerous studies have determined that adults in their advancing years who engage in regular sexual activity are likely to live 3–5 years longer than those who don’t or who use the Internet as a substitute. Seeing that keeping your parents active would be in your future best interests, I suggest soundproofing as a solution. Here are five ways to soundproof your bedroom so that your parent’s sounds of love won’t end up on your podcast — about training your cat to roll over. Please let me know how this goes. See the links below for recommended vendors.

Q: Is there such a thing as a helicopter boss, mine sure fits the bill. I can’t complete a task without seeing his shadow across my desk. I am developing a twitch that is seriously affecting my love life. What can I do to stop my boss from hovering and let him know I can do my job without his help?

A: I understand your plight. I once had a boss, or more accurately a programmer who seemed to think I could not do anything without her help. I know, ridiculous. But helicopter bosses have always been a phenomenon throughout the ages. It seems in the human species trust grows slowly and sometimes not at all.

Have you tried locking your office door? If you reside in a cubicle, my condolences, you might try rearranging your workspace so that ingress is restricted. Watch the Fung Shui though as you don’t want the Chi disrupted further. If he climbs over the file cabinet to get a closer look at what you’re doing then you are dealing with an Alpha personality and anything short of landmines in your workspace probably won’t stop him.

As a last resort, you might try talking to him. Studies show that engaging in meaningful conversation with others can often lead to a resolution of problems. Failing that send out your resume. All the best.

Q: My cat has stopped eating. Well, stopped eating cat food. She only wants what I eat, which seems odd and getting expensive. She scarfed down a huge piece of shepherd’s pie last night without breathing. I’m worried about her. What can I do?

A: Start eating cat food. If she continues following the same pattern, your problem should be solved in no time.

AI can be a technologist’s wet dream or an ordinary person’s nightmare. As an innovation, it is positively electric. Superlatives abound on how great AI will be and that we must give it a chance to develop to its full potential.

But therein lies the rub. What is its full potential? Where exactly is it taking us?

Innovation is not the problem. Innovation started the Industrial Revolution, which we have all benefitted from. Innovation gave us space flight and a thousand new materials that have filtered down into everyday life.

But creating nonstick cookware is a far cry from the wholesale loss of jobs if the science pundits are correct. Are they?

Innovation is also profitable and profit, well, as history shows us, has a way of taking over.

Saving time and redirecting it to family and creative activities, sure, that’s a good reason to embrace it. But start-ups, corporations, and other such entities that are driving the creation of AI are not people. Run by people, yes. But once the momentum has reached terminal velocity and the possibilities for AI become limitless, who will guide it?

Watching robots weld fenders at a Toyota plant is a great advertisement and makes for cool footage on the Discovery Channel. But behind the hype are questions.

ChatGPT may be able to save thousands of hours for students at Finals time by writing essays, stories, white papers, and more but is that really something we should all applaud? Is there actually an upside to having AI as a silent partner through all four years of college or high school?

I guess we’ll know soon enough.