SHIT FATHERS | PARENTS

A Letter to My Dad Who Has Disowned Me

I have never been able to tell my father how he has made me feel

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ― Oscar Wilde

Dear Shithead,

This is a letter I have always wanted to write to you, but never had the balls.

For whatever reason, I felt you didn’t need to hear my lifelong anger about you. I wanted to make out I was okay, but I wasn’t.

You fucked me up.

You fucked me over.

Yet really, in retrospect, why shouldn’t you be privy to the struggles I have endured for a big part of my life because of how you abandoned me!

You were so embarrassed and shamed by my twin and I. You even made us pretend we were just friends from your homeland and even long-lost cousins. You denied everything about me.

You were never proud of me.

You never knew, or acknowledged my talents or gifts.

You told me I was ugly and too big.

You never congratulated me.

You never praised me.

You never knew me.

You told me a bunch of times you loved me when I smelled whiskey on your breath.

You touched me and spoke to me inappropriately.

You were hurting yourself, but I can’t let that be an excuse anymore.

As you know I haven’t seen you for almost two decades.

I had never asked you for help but that one time, when I was in the gutter of life, and found the courage to ask, you ignored my desperate text for three days and replied with a generic answer!

If you ever happen to fall upon this letter, I need you to know that I wept over the pain I felt about you for many of my years. I cried so much that now I have no tears — I have used them all up.

There is just a place now at the bottom of my heart that feels crumpled up, day in and day out.

I just needed you to know, that no matter how common it is that fathers abandon their kids — every kid hurts, no matter what they admit — for the rest of their lives.

Your ‘daughter’

Chantal

I’m writing this short note for all of you beautiful people who have been abandoned by parents … even if they have their reasons — you still have to honor your loss.

“If you were raised in a negative environment, building a negative image of yourself is natural. Narcissistic fathers focus on flaws and fail to give praise, so that is what we embrace ourselves. When we grow up we see only the failures, the mistakes, the bad choices, and how we can never measure up to the ideals we expect from ourselves. We are so used to the negativity that we forget to see the little good things. We brush off compliments. Developing positive self-talk means reversing whatever is it that your father made you believe. Accepting and enjoying compliments and your accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for the things you did.” Theresa J. Covert

Thank you for being you

© Chantal Weiss 2024. All Rights Reserved