What I learned From Mindless Arguments: Cheatcodes to Win-Win
Boss doesn’t give you a raise? Burned that bridge?
I recently had an altercation with a friend about an opinion I found hard to digest.
It probably wasn’t the smartest decision I made. After all, one’s perspective is a result of what side of the argument brain-washed you first.
Needless to say, I unwittingly burned that bridge at the end of the argument. This flustered me more than a little, because “I was rational”, in my head. I then evaluated every argument I had. Turns out unsurprisingly, there is a pattern to how these end. In most cases, as rational as we consider ourselves, emotion is the only gasoline that drives an argument.
Consequently, I consulted a bunch of literature to see what I was doing wrong (and right). Some smart people and great thinkers have figured this out for the rest of us already. There is a whole of material out there. My take-aways from this :
- Minds are malleable but will resist the change unless it’s their idea (Or they believe it is).
- People can be as nice to you as you are to them despite major differences in opinion.
- Arguments don’t have to be a heated self-defeating emotional mess.
Here is what experts say about winning arguments
1. Stay Focused on “The Thing”
Ask yourself: What do you wish to achieve with this argument. Is it a feeling? (Moral correctness? Sense of validation? Correcting the “wronged”?), or is it a very specific thing? (A cooperative partner? A raise? A clean home?). Recognize that feelings (as opposed to things and actions) need more work on your side internally before taking it up with another person.
The second kind of goals though are worth working towards. All through your discussion, stay focused on The thing. Don’t lose sight of your goal because you are emotionally distracted. This is undoubtedly Rule 1 of convincing.
2. Brute force always fails
No matter how ridiculous is the argument, how unfair or how unacceptable to you as a person, DO NOT BRUTE FORCE a convincing gig. That’s the opposite of how to succeed. “But that’s stupid”, “You can’t do that”, “That’s wrong” are all conversation killers. Stay away from outright declarations of ridicule. Calm down, breathe, and practice your poker face.
3. Kill the “Whys”. Ask “Hows” and “Whats”
As FBI Director Christoph Voss says in his book Never Split the Difference, “Why” is in many cases inherently accusatory. Try to stay on a factual basis and make a genuine effort in understanding your counter-part with explorative questions such as What, Where, When, and How. Their questions also give the listener a sense of control without resistance. It also puts you at an advantage of assimilating more and more information about the situation, based on which you can rationally build your arguments.
4. Watch your tone
Your tone is a perfect mirror for the roller coaster your emotion is on. Loudness sends a message of aggression and puts your counterpart in a fight or flight mode and makes him consequently leave the room. Are you talking hurriedly and explaining yourself repeatedly? Your interviewer smells something fishy. Practice your Polite-Office-Secretary voice. The Calmness of your voice will also spread to your rationale and arguments.
6. Mirror and voice the other person’s perspective
Occasionally, say literally what the other person just said, or the keywords in what he said. Then let your mirror sit in the room for a second. This however is a part of listening and not talking.
While you present your arguments, formulate them while acknowledging and repeating their perspective in your argument. Such an acknowledgment gives the listener a sense of being understood. Take care to see that you don’t “I” too much. It should be about them in their ears.
Him: I am annoyed and confused. What is going on?
You: Annoyed and confused?
Him: Yes, I did everything right but you seem not to recognize my work at all!
You: It seems like you feel unappreciated although you did everything on your part.
This kind of “Mirror” and emotional label diffuses the situation.
Even using only one or two of these tricks seems to calm down a situation to work towards a goal that everyone in the room can live with. I strongly recommend trying it out yourself, if for nothing else but the sake of experiment, in case the future holds an upcoming argument for you. Diffuse with care!