What I Learned From Throwing Undies Competitively
If you’ve got a string of bad luck, bite your thong and keep on trying
May 25th, 2019, it’s 2:39 PM, and I’m about to enter the throwing zone for my third and last attempt in the finals of the Competitive Underwear Throwing World Championship (CUTWC).
I stop for a few seconds and take the time to appreciate more than 10 years of training and sacrifices. At this point, I feel incredibly grateful for my family and community; they’ve been supporting me all along. I wave towards my wife (and trainer), and I enter the zone.
It’s my last throw in the finals, and I‘m lagging. I feel I’m letting everybody down like old saggy underwear. I have to compose myself. My wife hasn’t let me play with her undies for so many years for me to come second place.
I have to string up as we say in the community.
I’ve been throwing undies competitively for as long as I can remember. It’s more than a passion; it’s a life purpose.
Throwing undies has helped me grow as an individual, love myself, and find the love of my life. It’s time to share what I learned.
It’s not how far you throw; it’s how stylish you are.
That’s literally the case in competitive undies throwing. Distance is taken into account, of course. But it’s far from being the only component of the overall score.
The scoring system takes into account four criteria:
- Distance
- Throwing technique
- Flying style
- Landing aspect
Typically making a compact ball out of the undies will make you throw further away, but the three other criteria won’t be met. Especially, an underwear landing as a crumpled pile of clothing virtually guarantees a disqualification.
Former Ultimate Frisbee players and athletic discus throwers are frequent competitors in the underwear throwing community. They have a beautiful throwing technique, so fluid and smooth that the flying style is nearly perfect.
The choice of underwear is also crucial. While strings always land perfectly, their smaller weight prevents the throw from reaching winning distances. Moreover, the lack of fabric and their minimalist design make for an ill-favored flying style.
High-cut briefs and tanga were the winning choices for a long time. Since the great shift of 2000 and the higher weighting put on style, thongs have been the underwear of choice for all the competition winners.
It takes two to tanga.
There’s something special in throwing underwear belonging to someone you love. It’s an intimate connection that brings the act of throwing to a completely different dimension.
As they fall in love, people usually want to stick together and can’t bear to stay apart for any amount of time. Likewise, throwing your undies with the ones belonging to your partner is almost as good as having sex with them. It’s the ultimate proof of love.
Interestingly enough, double throws aren’t usually allowed in competitions. They are deemed unfair as the added symmetry makes the throw and flight too smooth, promising a full score on both style marks.
There’s, however, one exception to that rule. It’s customary among the competitive undies throwers to propose to their partners by throwing together their and their partners’ undies in the middle of a competition. It’s counted as a failed attempt, but any undies thrower will tell you it’s worth it.
In the community, we describe this movement as asking for someone’s handerwear.
I made the throw during the 2015 European championship; that’s how my girlfriend and trainer became my wife.
Sometimes you’ve got to sacrifice dignity to be dignified.
We’re back to the 2019 world championship. It’s my last attempt of the finals. I take the underwear, carefully selected and prepared the night before, and realize there’s a hole in it. I don’t understand. I checked everything twice; it’s impossible. And yet, the hole is there.
It’s utterly unfeasible to successfully throw undies with holes that aren’t parts of the original design. In this case, the lift coefficient, and the corresponding angles of attack, cannot be reached by human throwers.
And the rules of the world championship are crystal clear; once in the throwing zone, you cannot exit it before having thrown an underwear under penalty of disqualification.
I’m lost and don’t know what to do. All these years of suffering, all these training injuries, only to end up like this, disqualified?
I look at my wife, and I see her smiling. She’s motioning to her undies and pointing a finger towards me at the same time. After a few seconds, I understand; I’m wearing one of her thongs. I won my first competition with it; it’s my lucky underwear. I’ve been wearing it ever since during tournaments to bring good luck.
As I take off my pants and remove the underwear, I remind myself that Greek athletes used to compete fully naked in the Olympics. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And anyway, shame is nothing but temporary.
I put back my pants on, look at my wife, and start running.
If you’ve got a string of bad luck, bite your thong and keep on trying.
People don’t like to see their undies thrown in the air, and they like even more to receive them in the face. Some even react violently. I had many injuries over the years, during training as well as competitions. But I never gave up. I stayed sthong.
Three things kept me going. My wife, her beautiful g-strings, and the underwear anthem by the Minions. Their 2015 hit is played during the opening and closing ceremonies of any international competition.
It’s only fair that their inspiring words would conclude this article:
Underwear Lakareh lireywii Gih leh byaaa Mah ke rehhh
Epilogue
My third and final throw of the world championship got the highest throwing technique score ever recorded.
It was the best throw of my life.
Thanks to my wife, I became the 2019 Competitive Underwear Throwing World Champion.
