What I Learned From the Mental Health Issues of My Loved Ones

Take care of your mental health before any mental issue arises

I do not know whether it is me or some strange coincidence. I have happened to be in close quarters with people plagued by mental issues.

My father battled depression since I was a teen. I have vivid memories of him when one day, all of a sudden, he refused to step out of the house. Luckily, he was an entrepreneur who was chasing multiple pursuits; hence we were financially doing alright.

But it took us months of medication and treatment to get him back on his feet and go back to work again. And the cycle did not stop there. It lasted till his last breath, varying in intensity, but it was with him nevertheless.

I had a friend who battled mental health issues too. This person was not plagued by fear but with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD, not OCD). This friend had an obsession with order, rules and was on a doubting streak with life — suspecting everything to be of the worst order, unleashing narcissistic behavior, and causing enormous pain for people around him.

Unlike my father, this person was not available to fear. Quite the opposite. He was manipulative, inflexible, and the toxicity around his presence was killing the people around him. He spent most of his life in rigidity, isolation, and alone. OCPD is not curable, and it affects the person suffering through it as much as others around them.

Third, I had a niece that had bipolar disorder. She was like the sweetest thing to be around one day. But the very next day, she would hide in a closet and spit fire on anyone that approached her. She was crazy — She was scared — She was confident — She was calm. It was terrible for her parents and for herself to lead a normal life.

With these three cases, I identified a few common threads. As I am not a healthcare professional by any means, I will simply try to make the connections through the people I observed very closely, almost daily.

Their loved ones celebrated them before they achieved something big

My father was born with five sisters. But as it is the custom in India, being a male was celebrated more than the females. He was the crown prince.

A disproportionate amount of wealth went to him. The women in the house ate after he ate. He had extraordinary control over everything. Others lived on his clock and on what he had leftover. Why? Because he was a male. Other than the huge inheritance and being a male, he achieved nothing big. He was celebrated for more than he deserved.

I have seen this as a pattern among the people that I have encountered. An unwarranted amount of attention and limelight before they demonstrated true potential. Being given on a platter and not having them earn it. And a blind eye to the growing arrogance.

When such people encounter a problem in life and face a risk that could challenge their sense of entitlement and safety, their world comes crashing apart.

From early age, kids need to be disciplined and exposed to reality, and treated as normal human beings at home. A bitter dose of rejection now and then is an absolute must to bolster creativity and cultivate strength.

Let your loved ones hear a NO when needed. Let them fail and get up on their own. Let them grow up with a full realization and a real-world perspective on their real worth. Because, if we do not show, the street will show them.

They were never taught the joy or the art of giving

I have seen a powerful streak of this trait in my friend, who suffered from OCPD. His wife had to walk out of his life at a certain point, given his inability to think of his family as an extension of himself. Or to look after their interests.

He was narcissistic, he would control every bit of his wife’s life, and she could not have an opinion of her own. If she showed signs of individuality at any point, he would gaslight her, go into a shell, threaten and blackmail her of walking out of the relationship.

It used to be a Trump-like scenario in their home. All toxic and no fun. In his world, he existed, and no one else mattered.

The happiest people in the world are those that give unconditionally. There is unlimited power in unconditional giving. There is positivity, growth, network effect, nobility all in giving. Success in personal and professional life comes from giving. I believe giving is larger than gratitude.

People with mental health issues seem to be miserly. Their upbringing has conditioned their mind to entitlement so much so that to give and see another flourish seems a nightmare.

Parents should encourage and enforce their children to give and be in service mindset from a very young age. Seeing a smile on another human being’s face should be celebrated a lot more than 30 under 30 titles.

They did not think sense of humor was important

One of the starkest things I observed about my niece was that she found it hard to laugh — to take herself lightly or take life lightly and go with the flow and figure out the way.

She is an outstanding student in the class and has a brilliant track record for academic success. To the same effect, if she lost scores or lost in a competition, she would be devastated — be it the silliest of competitions or the most important ones.

After the loss, she will spend a day or two ranting on how unfair the judges were, excessive screen time, overeating, and extremely sad. Another win, small or large, was always required to get back to normal. She was stressed.

Why is losing such a shame? Isn’t losing a badge of honor? Losing is the foundational pillar of learning. I read a beautiful line in the book, Seven Levels of Communication, that success is about failing at a higher level. But everyone is failing at some level.

Life needs to be viewed as a sequence of failures leading from one to another, and in that process spiraling to the next level: a step back and a jump.

To participate in this process and to move seamlessly, we need to be light. Having an over-bloated ego, taking oneself very seriously, and not taking those little moments to cultivate a sense of humor about everything around us is sick.

I encourage parents to consciously ignore the excessive sensitivities in a child and go around cultivating light-heartedness in them. Play games with them and don’t undermine them when they lose. Take it easily with fun and smile.

What is important is to be very light-hearted about it so that energy is not lost, stress does not take over, and we are ready for the next big jump. Please, take it easy.

To Conclude

On the last day of your life, if you do not have a story of courage and happiness to tell, but only possess money & depression, no one is going to be interested in listening to that crap.

So, take care of your mental health before any mental issue arises and start living the present moment with joy and happiness.