What I Learned From My Husband — An Avid Video Game Player

The 4 most important lessons I have learned watching him play.

My husband and I have so many similar personality traits. I would not say we are the “opposites attract” type of couple. We can sit in a car on a road trip and talk the entire time without feeling the need to turn the radio on. There is no empty space to fill. We are in sync with each other. During our wedding reception, our loved ones gave speeches that all tied into the match made in heaven theme. It's adorable — I know.

But we are only human. There are bound to be some qualities that we do not align on. Acknowledging and understanding these differences is the way we show respect for each other. As his partner, I want to empower these contrasting characteristics. Of course, we agree on almost everything, but I have so much to learn from our differences.

There is one major difference that draws a line between our personalities — I can’t stop working and he can’t wait to stop working. I find satisfaction in daily productivity during my personal time while he puts forth an intentional effort to not work during his personal time.

Growing up, I was always told that hard work pays off. This sentiment has fastened itself into my subconscious with everything that I do. If I am not working hard or being productive, then I am not going to be successful. My identity was wrapped around the idea of having a strong work ethic. I perform tirelessly to avoid one of my greatest fears — to be seen as lazy.

So picture this. It is 9:00 pm on a Tuesday evening. I am sitting at my work desk organizing my calendar, prepping another article idea, and trying to prepare for the following day of work at my full-time job. I attempt to balance these different compartments of my life into an organized fashion so I can continue my workflow effectively the next day. I choose to do this.

Meanwhile, my husband is sitting with our dog on the couch with his headphones on and controller in hand. He bursts out with a sincere laugh as he strikes down another cannibal to protect his fortress. He is playing a multiplayer game with his friends that live across Southern California. He has taken our dog for a walk, finished the dishes, and is simply appreciating his free time. I look at him, jealous.

There is a stark contrast between our evening routine. He is enjoying his worknight evening while I begrudgingly forced myself into working longer hours. I truly enjoy the work that I do, but at times I resent the fact that I internally struggle with the idea of relaxing. This goes back to my fear of appearing lazy. I should not be fearful of separating myself from work.

When I became mindful of my envious feelings towards his leisure, I decided to start learning from his nightly patterns. I looked to my husband playing video games to help me.

Lesson #1: Relaxation is not laziness

Despite what my inner voice tells me, it is incredibly important to give your brain and body rest. I would be the first one to encourage someone I love to relax if they told me that they were overworked, stressed, or not feeling well. So why is it that when it is time for me to close the laptop, I try to add one more task to my to-do list?

According to Wellbeing People, “practicing ‘relaxation’ is paramount to managing stress. When we relax, the flow of blood increases around our body giving us more energy.” If research is showing that relaxing can lead to reducing stress and increasing quality of life, then it seems like a no-brainer.

Now, relaxation will look different for me than it does for my husband. He chooses to unwind by playing games. I explored different relaxation activities to see what helped me disconnect from the business of my brain. I started walking my dog, journaling, watching a new tv series, and reading to name a few. I wanted to be cautious that my relaxing activity didn’t accidentally end up turning into another productivity project. I also became intentional about affirming myself that relaxing is not lazy — it is good for me.

Lesson #2: Productivity is not the answer

Finding self-acceptance can be difficult in a world of comparison. Every day is a battle to maintain confidence. In an effort to find acceptance and combat insecurities, I placed my self-worth into how much work I could complete. It was something that I could control.

After years and years of burdening my daily life with a heavy tray stacked full of tasks that I struggled to hold up, I realized that productivity was not giving me the self-satisfaction that I was striving for. Being a good worker did not make me love myself more. It was a temporary placeholder while I ignored finding what actually brings me self-love.

In an effort to be more in tune with myself, I want to discover what truly matters to me. This is not an answer I can tell you right now. I am still on my personal journey of finding my purpose, and that is okay. What I have done is release myself from the daily work overwhelm that I used to perceive as my identity. I am so much more than the work I produce.

Lesson #3: Meditation looks different for everyone

When we think of meditation, we visualize someone sitting on the floor with their legs crossed and their eyes closed. This is the traditional image of someone who is meditating. The practice of meditating has evolved into contemporary times to help people cope with the chaos of their world. Meditation helps people relax, feel their breath, notice how their body feels, and note any thoughts that meander into their consciousness. Meditation can take place in a variety of ways.

For my husband, his form of mediation is becoming engaged in whatever game is actively playing. This was hard for me to understand because as I watch him play, the scenes and conflicts make it appear as a stressful activity. So I asked him about it. When I questioned him about the relaxing side of playing games, he stated that he feels like he can forget about the pressures of the world and focus on the progress of a game.

“It is difficult to explain. Being immersed in a new world is challenging, but it gives me a sense of control. I like the engaging stories and knowing what to do next. I get into a flow where I forget the small problems of real-life.”

This brings me back to my instinctive tendency to want to do work. There are tasks that I add to my to-do list because I genuinely enjoy them. It might appear as work to others, but I have found it might be my style of meditation. I love writing. If you are a writer, you understand the fulfillment that we get from expressing ourselves in the written form. In contrast to the idea of wanting to alleviate my brain from the burden of work, I do believe that allowing myself meditative time to write is beneficial for my well-being. Taking away the pressure of having to write, I wish to write as a reflective experience. It is important that we all find our own ways to meditate.

Lesson #4: Time enjoyed is not time wasted

At times I feel guilty for taking part in an activity that has no value aside from enjoyment. There is my internal anxiety simmering about not being constructive. Life is too short to waste time on meaningless good times, right? Why enjoy life when I could be accelerating my education, career, side hustles, and more? Well, it was a hard pill to swallow to recognize that the time that I enjoyed is not time wasted. I lived my life with this hurtful mindset for so long that I just accepted it as true. I never questioned it. I had to verbally give myself permission to do things just because I wanted to.

“The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time” John Lennon

There should be no pressure when having fun. Taking the time to do things that distract you from the struggles of life is good for you. There are benefits that come out of it as well.

Helpguide.org explains that there are 5 major benefits to play:

1. Play relieves stress
2. Play improves brain function
3. Play stimulates the mind and boosts creativity
4. Play improves relationships and your connection to others
5. Play keeps you feeling young and energetic

Even though I originally suffered through the jealousy of watching my husband not have a care in the world while playing video games, I am at a place where I can appreciate his ability to disconnect. It was not intentional, but by observing him, I have learned that is okay to just — be.

Life does not have to be an infinite list of boxes to check off and tasks to complete. I want to enjoy the limited time I have here on this earth. With that being said, I am going to sign off now. It is time for me to relax.