What I Learned From My Divorce(s)

It only took 20 years.

When we tie the knot with someone, we hope it lasts forever. No one enters into a marriage thinking it will end up in failure.

I come from a broken family. My parents divorced when I was 19 years old. They had a rocky marriage before that. My dad married someone else. It was a bigger disaster for him.

Years later, my parents got remarried only to live in separate cities. They did that so my mom could collect social security through my dad if he passed away before her, which he did.

I got married and divorced twice… so far. As the saying goes: “third time’s a charm.” Maybe. I haven’t closed the door on the idea, but for now, I am fine. I live with my boyfriend. We will see where it will take us.

My first husband was a controlling, jealous freak. I hope I never see his face or hear his voice again. We dated for a year and a half before we got married. Our marriage ended after four and a half years.

My second husband was an evangelical free when I met him. He became an atheist a few years into our marriage. I have always been an atheist myself. He never held a decent job. In the last years of our marriage, he started drinking a lot. He stopped working. He used to spend his days chatting online with other women.

Both of my husbands were borderline narcissists. It took me nearly two decades to see it.

I blame it on my lack of self-esteem. I believe I chose these partners because I thought I didn’t deserve any better. Today, I know that it is not true.

The importance of personal space and privacy:

The first lesson I learned from my first divorce was not to let anyone invade my personal space and privacy. Being in a marriage doesn’t mean you have to share everything. Your spouse has to respect your individuality and independence. We need our personal space to spend quality time alone. It’s how we keep improving ourselves.

Personal time allows us to do things that we enjoy. It enables us to do things that feed our souls and keep our curiosity alive to discover new things. This kind of independence helps us not become co-dependent in a relationship. If someone depends on you for their entertainment, it’s a red flag. Unfortunately, for my first husband, my private time meant I was up to no good. He used to go through my phone, my messages, e-mails, everything.

Jealousy is a beast that you should not ignore:

The second lesson my first marriage taught me was not to ignore signs of jealousy. If someone has trust issues, you can communicate with them. You can try to see what the source of their problem is. If you are giving them no reason to be jealous, but if the problem persists, it is not on your shoulders to ease their pain. When jealousy becomes severe and starts limiting your life, it should be a sign to pay attention to. One that is not to be ignored at all costs. You can’t and shouldn’t fix someone’s trust issues, especially if you are not doing anything wrong.

Economic independence and stability:

The first lesson I learned from my second divorce is not to stay with someone who can’t keep a decent job. There are times when people lose their jobs for valid reasons. A responsible human being starts looking for a new job. There are bills to pay. It is normal to have financial difficulties in a relationship. However, if someone is taking advantage of the fact that you are working and paying the bills, and they are taking this opportunity to do nothing, it is a red flag.

We lived in Southern California. We were a family of four. One person’s income is not at all enough to pay the bills. We struggled a lot going from one place to another due to eviction notices. We had days when we didn’t even have a dollar to buy a pack of pasta.

Substance abuse tears families apart:

My second husband was not a drinker when we met. He was a religious man. I was an atheist. We found a healthy balance between us. We had respect for each other’s beliefs. Then he became an atheist. After that, things took a more sinister turn. He started drinking hard alcohol, and a lot of it. He used to pass out every night in front of the computer, chatting with other women. He hid money from us to buy his vodka when we had no food at home. If he had some money, before contributing towards paying the rent and the bills, he would buy his alcohol.

I worked two or three jobs. I was dealing with depression. I was on tranquilizers and anti-depressants all the time. It was the unhappiest time of my life. Then, I developed an auto-immune disorder. I had vitiligo. It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I saw that my physical health was deteriorating. I had to put an end to it.

I left him. I took nothing other than one little suitcase and my dog. I did not look behind.

The importance of self-esteem:

It was then that I realized my lack of self-esteem had led me to get into these marriages with abusive partners. I knew I had to start from scratch. I was in my mid-forties. I moved across the planet with my dog. I started teaching online. I got my place. I built everything on my own. It was the biggest thing that helped me regain confidence in myself.

Living in a foreign country alone was a real eye-opener for me. I went through the Covid-19 quarantine away from everyone I have ever known. During this time, I reflected often on the root causes of my lack of self-esteem with the help of therapy sessions online with my psychiatrist.

Once you gain your self-esteem, the rest is easy. It is like completing the beginner level in a game, and that unlocks all the other levels for you. The levels go like this:

-Have boundaries -Recognize your worth -Learn not to feel guilty to say NO -Never let your emotions make you ignore the red flags -Never put yourself last -Learn to forgive for your peace of mind -You can’t fix anyone if they don’t want it -You can’t change anyone if they don’t want it -You are stronger than you think

I believe the reason why I repeated the same mistake by choosing a similar partner was that I did not give myself time to heal from my first marriage. I wanted to hide from my vulnerabilities and weaknesses by going after another problematic man. I believed fixing someone would increase my self-worth. But my self-worth is not and should not be dependent on anyone else. I know it now. But most importantly, I not only know it, I can also put it into practice.

I am Rona. I am a freelance writer and a tarot lover who travels alone in foreign countries. Technically, yes, my dog always comes with me, and also, I have a permanent home in Italy.