The Touchstone
How I became a caregiver to a stranger and the message I discovered.
During the 2020 Covid19 pandemic, I welcomed a terminally ill stranger into my home and became their full-time caregiver. Not surprisingly, this experience has significantly impacted the trajectory of my life in more ways than I could’ve imagined. What was unexpected however, was the rollercoaster of feelings I’d experience throughout this sojourn.
At times, it’s felt as though I was wading through eternal quicksand with not a rescue limb in sight. A passersby might stop and gawk or offer useless sideline commentary, but ultimately, they’d move on without providing any meaningful help. Other days I have felt bitter, or sad, and occasionally even peaceful. This is a short story about my struggle with caregiver burnout and the treasured gift I found in the most unusual place.
Since this experience began, I’ve learned so much about the caregiving world and humanity in general. It’s not uncommon for caregivers to feel extreme loneliness or despair, and I certainly have felt it all and more. However, these are often the times that we gain the most profound personal awareness as well as a deeper understanding of our life’s purpose.
So, I’m writing this personal journal for those nurturing souls out there who maybe chest deep in the caregiving quicksand, or for anyone who finds themselves searching for something to grasp on to in life’s difficult moments. I hope you read these words and find some peace knowing that you’re not alone in this journey. Remember that the struggles you face today are temporary in nature, and they too shall pass.
A message to the non-caregiver
From my unscientific observation of the caregivers that I’ve bumped into, it seems that the transition into a caregiver role often happens one of two ways. Either, as a slow burn that is gently welcomed over time, or, as in my case with an abrupt stumble as though I’d fallen headfirst into a vat of sticky uncomfortable darkness. I’ll be sharing my story with you from this perspective.
You see, at first, when the caregiving begins “life as you know it” topples upside down forcing you to adjust many of the major areas of your life. Then after the initial shock of your “new normal” has worn down, the more benign, yet persistent boundary accommodations begin. These small adjustments can be so small in fact, that one day you wake up and don’t recognize your life anymore. Like the proverbial snowflake rolling down the hill until you’ve got an monstrous snowball heading toward you — it’s overwhelming.
The irony of caregiving is that when your daily focus becomes helping an ill or disabled patient perform life’s basic tasks & functions, often as the caregiver, you begin to slowly lose a sense of balance yourself. Personal boundaries become hazy and fade away quietly, and soon you find yourself forgoing basic self-care activities — even as simple as eating or sleeping, which eventually can lead to chronic illness in you.
Recent research has shown that many caregivers struggle with feelings of prolonged depression, fatigue, and isolation mixed in with guilt, resentment, and anger. These emotions, coupled with self-care neglect, are all potent contributors to what’s known as “Caregiver Burnout.” Even spouses who have been married for decades can become victims of these crippling effects. Sadly, in most western cultures, few resources for burnout are currently available to help caregivers who are suffering, but the good news is that as awareness grows, new opportunities for support are starting to emerge.
https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiver-statistics-health-technology-and-caregiving-resources/
Wanting & Grasping
In the late fall of 2019, I was ecstatic when my small coaching firm had been contracted to consult with a line-up of up hi-potential (HiPo) executives. This lucrative business project was focused in the Asia-Pac region and the initial launch was going to be in Beijing. The program was scheduled to kick-off at the beginning of the new year (aka 2020). So, I waited impatiently for the opportunity to begin. The checklist of to-do’s began: new business cards in Mandarin and English ordered? Check. Passport ready for a new stamp? Check. I spent hour upon hour preparing for the projects launch date. Finally, it felt like the calling I had several years earlier to quit my job and start coaching fulltime was finally paying off.
At the time of my “calling,” I’d been in full swing of my real estate career, but a growing voice inside me was tugging for a change. So, after months of fighting it, I surprised all my friends and family when I quit my job to start over in this new career. The journey took years and was full of twists and turns including; going back to school for numerous certifications, financial sacrifice, and lots of patience from my spouse, but I was determined.
As 2019 was winding down, I felt assured that this new opportunity was evidence of my ascent, so I could finally put to shame the world of doubters who challenged my dream. I only saw smooth sailing ahead. “Onward and Upward!” I chanted enthusiastically at the time. Then, “Bam!” the 2020 pandemic, and my budding new venture collapsed. In my naïve enthusiasm, I had consolidated all my attention and efforts into this one project, so it was a complete shock as I watched everything I’d worked so hard for evaporate faster than a water droplet on a scorching hot pan.
Reeling from the stress and embarrassment of this painful loss I couldn’t see forward. It felt like being stuck in a revolving glass door. I simultaneously saw amazing business opportunities eviscerated on one side and fresh cuts of disappointments on the other. Even though the whole world was learning to cope with this new pandemic-era way of life, my ego blinded me from seeing a way out. I had been so desperate for success, for justification of my risky career decisions, that I was locked into a spiraling emotional prison. Then my spouse was laid off from his job, and like a rabid dog, I could not let go of the resentment I felt toward the world. At that moment, only the pain of our misfortune mattered, so that I had no capacity for anything else.
The year meandered on in a circuitous path and most days I focused on trying to resuscitate my previous projects, but to no avail — the world had changed. Relationships, finances, and my sanity all suffered.
At the same time the waves of disappointment were relentlessly pounding, a faintly familiar voice in my head kept whispering for me to stop fighting, to slow down, and take notice.
I began to sit quietly and reflect on the timeline of events leading up to the moment I was facing. Yes, I knew I was meant to help people, but upon reflection it seemed that every door of opportunity I’d start to walk through would suddenly slam shut in my face. The questions swirled in my mind; Did I do something wrong? Was I going down the wrong path the whole time? What was the meaning of all of this? Something didn’t add up. Though it was nerve-wracking and stressful, I began to sense that God had something else waiting for me on the horizon. An important gift that I could not turn away from — if only I had the patience for the gift to arrive…
- All the names in this story (except the Author’s) have been changed for privacy. The story continues in Part 2 of “The Touchstone”
Connect with Nasyim Segal online at www.NasyimSegal.com