What I Learned After Two Decades of Dating

For The Girlies with Rosters and Rotations

Looking back on my 20s, I realize that I squandered the majority of that time in relationships. Like, back to back to back… yeah, you get it. I now recognize that at this big age of ::: Mind Your Business::: I could have used that time more wisely. Instead of exploring new experiences, traveling, and getting to know myself, I was somebody’s girlfriend or partner. It’s a realization I find almost embarrassing, especially as I’ve grown older and wiser. With each partner, I may have learned something for better or worse about relationships; still, it came at the cost of neglecting my personal growth and self-discovery.

Entering my 30s, I knew I wanted to date more purposefully. I started drawing some hard boundaries with people who still had access to me. I deleted the numbers, saved others as “Do Not Answer,” and resigned to focus on my “Grown Woman Era” (That’s what I thought 30’s were all about). Little did I know that 30 would also be the year my life turned upside down. Rocked by a sexual assault that spiraled me into a dark abyss. It would take me just over 6 years to finally return to myself, as much as I could be anyway. Trauma changes you; it changes your brain, and it lives in your body. It also plays cruel, cruel mind games with your self-esteem and self-worth.

For years following the assault, I told myself that I was broken, unworthy, ugly, and unlovable. I have since forgiven myself for these horrible thoughts, but at the time, -I believed them. Then, like many people, when the pandemic hit, I found myself in a “relationship” of convenience; no one wanted to be on lockdown alone, so it worked out for both of us. While it was fun at first, it quickly turned sour. I definitely stayed in it longer than I should have, but when a single incident of physical violence occurred, I walked away, and I never looked back. The silver lining in that relationship taught me that 1. I was NOT Broken, 2. I was capable of letting my guard down enough to let someone in, and 3. I have serious boundaries that I can uphold for myself. There’s no teetering back and forth with me. Cross the line with me and -I’m Gone!

After that relationship, I didn’t even think about dating. I was distracted by becoming a full-time caretaker for both of my parents, only to subsequently be more distracted by having to bury them 11 months apart from one another. The grief of losing my parents left me feeling lonely and scared. I was an only child and didn’t have relatives close, so I was really “alone, alone.” While I knew I wanted to eventually start dating again, I told myself, “The next time I’m in a relationship, it will be my last!” I was steadfast in the resolution, and it was empowering to actualize. Saying, “No!” This person doesn’t serve me; we are not a good fit or simple, nope, “not my type,” always gave me a sense of resolve. I knew who I was, what I had to offer, and what I needed in a partner. I could have quickly fallen into a situationship here and there. But for what? What meaningful experience would that have contributed to my life? Right! -Nothing. So instead, I started dating me. I entered a New Era, “ The Soft Girl Era.”

It was a luxurious time. I took time off from working full-time to pursue some passion projects. I traveled, I spa-dayed, I spent way too much money (but we’re not going to dwell on that), and most importantly, -I treated myself the way I wanted to be treated. I knew that one day, when the right one comes along, I would be able to tell the difference in what love feels like. What intention looks like. What good vibes and energy feel like? I spent a good 2 years doing all the “Soft Girl” things. There’s nothing like nurturing yourself, filling your cup, and being choosey about who to share “you” with. Staying single taught me what Peace feels like. Once someone enters your life and disrupts that Peace, makes you lose your sleep, and has your stomach in knots from all the games being played, you need to RUN as if your life depends on it -because it does!

The right one will make you feel safe, protected, nurtured, and freed. Freed because there won’t be any games, no need to pass go, no need to decipher intentions and vague text messages. You will feel energized and inspired, and the reciprocity will make you want to submerge deeper into that “Soft Girl” era. Because now you have a partner who makes you so secure that you can finally lay your defenses to your side. The lost weight of holding them allows you to exhale. Your happiness and security will become their priority, and in return, your love overflows. It cascades. And that is when you know you’re with someone special and worthy of investing your time, attention, and affection.

So, the takeaway, ladies, is that it’s never too late to start dating yourself, filling your cup, and setting boundaries with those folks who want your time with no intention. “Time is the new currency; set your price high.” Invest in your healing, your spirituality, and what brings you joy -investing in “you” will always pay off in dividends. Set those boundaries and remember, for every “No,” there is a “Next Opportunity” waiting for you to discover a new part of yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve; always prioritize your happiness and well-being. When you do, you’ll naturally attract the right person into your life and…

-The rest will be easy.

-Mishel

xo

[Mishel Williams Copyright All Rights Reserved]

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