What I Learned About Being (Asian) American From Living In Europe
Europe made me massively rethink my experiences back in the US.
In honor of Asian Heritage Month, I wanted to share my experiences from traveling the world for the past three years in Europe and what it taught me about being… well… me.
Because admittedly, I’ve always been in a weird spot.
Growing up in Los Angeles, I didn’t grow up in a typically “Asian” area (like the San Gabriel Valley or Koreatown) so my friends were diverse. I had Asian friends as well as Latino, Jewish, Black, White, etc. from my earliest memories—so it was a big part of my upbringing.
But I always respected my culture and I never felt “ashamed” of being Asian or tried to hide my Asian-ness. If anything, I could give a crap less if someone dislikes me for my ethnicity.
The problem is that OTHER people have a problem with me being Asian.
But that leads me to another thing.
Notice how I wrote that I’m “Asian.”
But the only reason why I wrote that is because, in the United States, I’m forced to say that. You see, in the US, the unwritten rule is you must say you’re “Asian” or “Asian-American.”
If I say I’m “American” in the US, no one will accept that as a valid answer.
Yet in Europe, ironically, I always say, “I’m American.” After all, that’s where I was born, that’s where I was raised, and that’s what it says on my passport.
And it is (usually) accepted as a valid answer.
Culturally, emotionally, and mentally, I’m American.
I don’t follow Asian news. Hell, I feel far more “at home” in a small town in Croatia than I do anywhere in Asia. I feel no allegiance to any Asian country—if the U.S. played Taiwan in any international sport, I would cheer for America 100% of the time.
Yet as an Asian-American, I never felt fully American. Even if someone is “whitewashed” (and I knew some whitewashed Asians while I was growing up), they always tend to be the White group’s “Asian friend.”
On top of that, it’s important to reiterate that I’m from Los Angeles.
Why? Because LA County is roughly 14% Asians (or more in certain areas) so it’s normal for every native Angeleno to have Asian friends, colleagues, managers, employees, etc.
It’s also normal for every native Angeleno to have some involvement with the Asian-American community, whether with events, restaurants, neighborhoods, etc.
Yet when I moved to Denver, Colorado, I felt like I went back in time.
I met an astonishing number of adults who never had an Asian friend in their entire life.
I was shocked.
In fact, walking around the central areas, I was usually the only Asian person (or minority, in general). It was a little unsettling and, after five years of living in Colorado, I never felt comfortable about that.
Conversely, one thing I like about living in Europe is that, if I’m a “foreigner” in America, I might as well just be a foreigner all the way in Europe.
If I hang out with a local European, in their eyes, I’m more of an American.
If I hang out with a local in the US, in their eyes, I’m (often) more of an Asian.
Weird, no?
In Europe, No One Thinks I’m American (Initially)
In Europe (and even in Asia), at first glance, everyone thinks I’m either from China or Japan.
It’s a little annoying, but it’s the reality.
The funny secret is all Asian-Americans can tell when an Asian person is from Asia. (Trust me, we can tell 100% of the time.)
I think part of that is because of the media representation in the United States. If you watch most American TV shows and movies, America seems very white (with a sprinkling of black).
Thus, people abroad who watch these shows and movies think that’s just how America is and they can’t fathom that there’s a sizeable amount of American-born Asians in the country (especially in California and New York).
Even when I lived in Asia, many locals couldn’t understand that there are Asians in the US.
It’s funny: I always tell my Canadian friends that there’s far more Asian representation on Canadian television than on US television. Heck, every Hockey Night in Canada game mentions that it was Asian Heritage Month—but I never heard that on any national US sporting event.
Travel Blogs Don’t Apply to Me
Often, you’ll read a travel blogger share about their life in a foreign country or experiences of how locals treat them.
But it’s usually from the perspective of a White traveler (and there’s nothing wrong with that, by the way—it’s just the facts). So it’s important for me to understand that their experience doesn’t always apply to me.
Maybe the locals are friendly to that person, but when they see me, they treat me completely differently (which happens very often).
For example, a White American going to Asia is a 1,000,000% different experience than an Asian-American going to Asia.
I can never relate to their experience and they can never relate to mine.
Europeans Don’t Really Seem to Care
In my experience, living in Europe is kind of weird.
Even though I stick out like a sore thumb in almost every city I go to, people don’t really seem to care that I’m Asian-looking. (For what it’s worth, I’ve spent far more time living in Central and Eastern Europe than in Western Europe so keep that in mind.)
What I mean is they kinda just leave you alone—it’s not that they avoid you, but it’s that they don’t bring up your race anymore. When I was in Serbia, for example, I got quite a few stares, but I never felt like anyone treated me differently. (If anything, Serbs were really friendly and helpful to me, even random strangers. хвала!)
Then, when I was in France, I learned that the word “race” is actually very taboo and I was cautioned a few times about saying it. (I only said it because I used the literal translation of the English “race” instead of “ethnicité.”)
Yes, obviously, there’s racism in Europe (just like anywhere in the world). But in my experience, it’s either (1) someone is racist and they’ll make it known OR (2) they don’t give two shits.
In Europe, the conversation usually goes like this:
They ask me, “Where are you from?” I’ll reply, “Guess?” Then, they’ll say, “Well, because of your accent, I think you’re American.” Then they ask for my heritage, I’ll say I’m of Taiwanese descent, and that’s it.
We never talk about it again. It never becomes a topic ever again.
In America, however, I feel like race is always a massive part of who you are and the life that you have. (I used to have people introduce me as their “Asian friend,” which, as you’d imagine, didn’t last long because I, uh, stopped being their friend shortly after.)
And the stupifying and bizarre thing is that although Asians have lived in the US for over 150 years, many people still act like dumbasses towards our race.
In the US, people used to ask me the stupidest fucking questions about Asian culture despite the ubiquity of Asians in American culture.
Yet, in Europe, no one has once asked me those dumbass questions.
Weird, no?
Americans Don’t Talk to Me
When I travel and I hear someone who’s obviously American, I used to talk to them, ask about their trip, etc.
In my three years in Europe, not one single American has ever done the same to me when they hear I’m (obviously) American.
Never.
On top of that, when other Asian-Americans see me, they usually avert their glance and try to ignore me. (Seriously, I can’t make this up.)
I have no idea why.
My Dating Life Is (Significantly) Better In Europe
In the five years that I lived in Denver, Colorado, I couldn’t buy a date.
It was horrific. I tried everything. Dating coaching. Books. Courses. Numerous “professionals” writing my online profile. Tinder. Bumble. Coffee Meets Bagel. Match (even the paid accounts). Events. Festivals. Farmers markets. Singles mixers.
I dressed well. I took good care of my body. (Hell, I had a better physique back then than I do now.) I improved my confidence, conversation skills, and more. I talked to random strangers almost every single day. I ran my own business, wrote for magazines, and more.
Nothing.
By the time I left Denver in June 2019—this is embarrassing to say—I never felt more ugly in my entire life.
I would go months without one single woman checking me out. When I approached women, practically all of them were in relationships (or married) or simply not interested.
In my several years of using Coffee Meets Bagel, I got precisely one match.
One.
“When I was on dating apps, I honestly think I could have done better if I’d changed my profile picture to a stray hyena with mange. I couldn’t get anyone to swipe right on me.”
— Mike Cabellon, Asian-American actor and comedian [LINK]
(There were several times that I actually emailed tech support on these apps and websites and asked if it was actually working because I couldn't believe that after several months, I had no matches.)
In Europe, it’s better—by hundreds of kilometers.
Holy crap, it’s an instant night and day difference. Obviously, it’s not as good as it would be if I was White, but at least I can actually get dates somewhat consistently.
(Keep in mind: In Europe, many online dating profiles are written in English. And trust me, as an Asian-looking person, no one is going out with me because of an “America fetish,” lol.)
Why?
Honestly, I have no clue.
I have a few theories, but they’re all just theories.
There was a famous series of studies from OkCupid that said you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting a date as an Asian male in America. (That’s hyperbole, by the way.)
Hilariously, they removed all evidence of it.
But fortunately, I kept the evidence for articles that I did back in 2015:
Here’s a quick snippet from OkCupid themselves:
White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else — and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively. These three types of women only respond well to white men. More significantly, these groups’ reply rates to non-whites is terrible. Asian women write back non-white males at 21.9%, Hispanic women at 22.9%, and white women at 23.0%. It’s here where things get interesting, for white women in particular. If you look at the match-by-race table before this one, the “should-look-like” one, you see that white women have an above-average compatibility with almost every group. Yet they only reply well to guys who look like them.
Here’s another snippet from OkCupid:
Q: Are people on OkCupid just racist?
No. I mean, not any more than anywhere else. All the dating data I’ve seen fits OkCupid’s pattern: black people and Asian men get short shrift. For example, below are the numbers from DateHookup, a site that we acquired a few years ago (but that still operates independently.) DateHookup has a distinct userbase, a distinct user acquisition model, a distinct interface, yet their data reflects the same basic biases…
My first theory is that Europe dealt with a massive, horrendous, and tragic event that destroyed the entire continent about 80 years ago, which forced everyone to basically start from scratch.
Then, many countries didn’t gain freedom until far after the end of the Cold War. On top of that, a few European countries dealt with horrific events as recently as 30 years ago.
In other words, they had far more important things to deal with than building prejudices against people of Asian descent who didn’t even live in their country yet.
I also think our cultures might also have something to do with it. To me, I feel there’s a smaller cultural gap between Asia and Europe compared to Asia and the United States. (FWIW, I lived in Asia for two years in the early-2010's.)
In America, I regularly found myself being more reserved than most people, but in Europe, I regularly find myself being more extroverted than most people.
Whatever it is, I’m not complaining.
Takeaways
By now, someone is going to get offended reading this.
(I don’t know why, but people get offended by everything these days.)
Look, I love the United States. I love my heritage. I’m grateful for my upbringing.
Race and politics had nothing to do with why I left the US or why I moved to Europe.
Also, take this with a grain of salt: This is simply my experience from the places that I went to and based on my specific upbringing. Your experience might be completely different and just as valid and accurate.
But it’s just what I’ve noticed and it’s been eye-opening to say the least.
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