What I Imagine The Fleetwood Mac Tour Bus Is Like

There is a bus driver named Jeremy. Jeremy has been the Fleetwood Mac bus driver for as long as the Fleetwood Mac band members can remember. Quite often, during overnight trips when the band members can’t sleep from the pitter patter of the bus wheels on the highway or from when the pitter patter of their pet ferret Sara (see below) keeps them awake, the band members walk to the front of the bus to talk to Jeremy. Jeremy listens to the band members as he drives, because he has no choice.

The Fleetwood Mac band members adopted a pet ferret named Sara. Sara is free to roam about the bus at her leisure even though she is not house broken. Once, outside of Sacramento, Sara made pee-pee inside a tambourine and everyone laughed.

There is an unusually high amount of spontaneous tambourine playing. The tambourine playing is vigorous, impassioned, and extreme. All the overhead storage bins are equipped with at least one tambourine. Everyone plays the tambourine. Sometimes all the band members are playing the tambourine simultaneously and Jeremy puts earplugs in his ears.

The Fleetwood Mac band members fight incessantly. The fights often devolve into food fights, which is why the Fleetwood Mac band members stop at Subway. No one eats the Subway subs. When the Subway sandwiches start getting tossed around, slices of cold cuts land on and adhere to Jeremy’s bald head. Jeremy considers this part of the job. One of the Fleetwood Mac band members wrote and recorded a song called “Capicola Cranium” about the time some ham landed on Jeremy’s head.

There is always a minister on the bus so band members can get married between gigs without stopping. There are also divorce attorneys on board so band members can get divorced between gigs just as quickly. No one ever asks Jeremy to marry them.

There are hand-knit blankets strewn about the bus. The Fleetwood Mac band members wrap themselves in the hand-knit blankets when they can’t sleep and walk to the front of the bus to talk to Jeremy. Every Fleetwood Mac band member has a favorite blanket and all of the blankets smell bad.

The bus pulls a wagon filled with scarves. Floral scarves, polka dotted scarves, knit scarves, long scarves, short scarves, silk scarves, vintage scarves, scarves “borrowed” from the Eagles or Linda Ronstadt or Aerosmith, scarves bought at thrift stores and scarves bought at Barneys. The scarves don’t belong to anyone per se; for example, no one would ever say, “has anyone seen my silk scarf with the magenta hibiscuses on it — the one I wore at the Vancouver gig?” The scarves just are. Sometimes, Jeremy lets someone tie a scarf to the tour bus antennae.

Whenever Jeremy sees the broken-down tour bus of another band, he stops the Fleetwood Mac bus and asks if the broken-down bus band needs a ride. When the band says “Sure!” the Fleetwood Mac band members holler them and Jeremy says, “Later suckers!” and floors it. This is especially fun whenever the Fleetwood Mac bus sees the broken down Aerosmith bus because the Aerosmith guys think they have the best scarves.

On holidays, the band members eat a holiday feast on the bus. Jeremy cooks a turkey or a ham on a hot plate plugged into the cigarette lighter and each Fleetwood Mac band member is tasked with bringing a side or a dessert. The band members fight about who brings what dessert and what side because some desserts and sides are easier to make than others.

Every night the lady Fleetwood Mac band members put on the flowy dresses they plan to wear to the next gig. They open the emergency exit and stand in front of the emergency exit so the wind can blow on the flowy dress and they can gauge the flowiness of the dress. The lady band members fight about whose dress is the flowiest.

There are boots everywhere. The kind of boots that go up to your knee with like 128 eyelets to lace up. Everyone is always lacing up their boots.

When it rains and the water rolls down the windows of the tour bus, the band members lean their heads against the windows, stare outside at the rain and mentally compose sad songs. Sometimes, when it’s raining and the Fleetwood Mac band members have their foreheads against the windows, Jeremy will intentionally swerve so the Fleetwood Mac band members bump their heads on the glass.

The band members all love the word “gig.” They constantly talk about the last gig and the next gig and how they can get more gigs and which gigs are fun and which gigs are not fun. Once, right before a gig in Syracuse, NY, a back-up singer got sick and Jeremy filled in for her.

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