What I have Lost During This — Pandemic — 2020 (and Probably, so Have You)
No, I’m not referring to loved ones or to jobs
The quarantine began too long ago, so long ago that some of us can barely remember exactly how we lived our lives (it has happened to me that I can’t recall certain routines and things, some as simple as how to open the gate to drive away in my car!). From originally meaning 40 days (quarantine, right?) this thing has become endless… and counting, because even if you have been freed from your lockdown where you live, there may be other lockdowns ahead; in some places in the world, back-to-back ones.
Assuming that you too are one of the privileged ones (you’re reading this here, using a device with internet… we are, indeed, luckier than most people in the world!), you may have lost a job, a business, a livelihood; you may have missed vacations, weddings, graduations, or trips. Some have lost their health and even loved ones. I get that, and I’m deeply and genuinely sorry for it all. But beyond the common places, I have also lost some other beloved belongings of the soul, precious emotions…
CERTAINTY
I know that certainty happens to be the most uncertain of possessions because it’s too… uncertain. It is inherently so, but more than ever in my lifetime — as of now — we know nothing, and nobody knows anything for sure anymore (and I’m not practicing pronouns here!).
Doctors, scientists, leaders, spokesmen, preachers, coaches, parents, teachers, we are all clueless — each at their own degree of responsibility and power, of course, but all clueless. We have been swinging the bats at what seems the most likely balls, basically naively trying to guess their speed and directions — more wishfully thinking than actually ‘knowing’. Even the most informed, educated, and experienced scientists have backtracked and changed their guesses and estimations. More than once.
This novel thing — changing our lives forever, that we can be sure of! — still remains truly novel!
FREEDOM
This uncertainty has robbed us of our freedom to make decisions… about anything, really, because you could’ve thought that your September wedding would be lovely and safe — the date WAS truly far away from the beginning of this thing, wasn’t it? even leaving plenty of room for the oddest and craziest of scenarios, or so you thought — but it will probably not be the case.
And even the simplest of things are not in our hands to just go for them — the roots in my hair keep growing and growing, and there’s no foreseeable date for hair salons fully reopening where I live. And I’m not a freak controller, really, I’m not. I’ve learned to be flexible and can move from plan A to B — or C or D or whatever — with ease. But, come on? You may be allowed to go shopping… but you can’t try things on. You can go to a restaurant… but won’t be allowed to create your own salad in the salad bar. Oh, true: salad bars have disappeared altogether!
“I want to break free”.
John Deacon, Queen
I know, I know: these are completely irrelevant, insignificant, trivial, not life-changing things. That’s my point: neither the important nor the unimportant issues do we have any freedom to go about. None.
SERENITY
This is another precious good — usually taken for granted — that is gone for… who knows how long. One must work every day — ‘just for today, just for today’… and tomorrow, ‘repeat the mantra’! — on not losing faith in the future, staying grateful for what we do have (thanks, really!), and calm.
But let’s face it: How can one feel and stay serene if our bank accounts keep getting emptied without incomes coming in any time soon? Not only have many of us lost our bread and butter, but also the peace of mind that comes with it.
Many years ago, in a book written by Sarah Ban Breathnach (The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude) I read about the more attainable and beneficial goal of reaching financial serenity, rather than financial safety. That belief has truly guided my money-related expectations and decisions, but many have lost security altogether. I get it: Some have been ripped off all of their resources, and cannot spare any time and energy whatsoever to even think about reaching serenity. But then again, we must repeat the mantra and look for means to achieve peace… somehow. Somehow safe and healthy and legal, will you? because otherwise, at the end of this thing we would have yet another problem!
Meditation? Yoga? Gardening? Knitting? Baking? We need something to cling to, to bring back into our lives even before we can get back our paychecks, regardless of how extraordinarily challenging this sounds. That may be the only thing — however untouchable and indistinguishable and unattainable it may seem — that we can achieve right now.
AIM
Meditation brings you the ability of the ‘here and now’. It’s said that if you’re depressed you’re living in the past (which you can do nothing about), and if you’re anxious you’re living in the future (which hasn’t arrived yet). If this thing has made clear anything at all, it is how little we can dream of and expect nowadays, in the face of such a major incomprehensible event.
It has taught us several abilities, indeed — resilience, patience, flexibility, humbleness maybe; but man also needs a purpose in life, something to look forward to, and something to live for. But right now many of us (again, regardless of how privileged some of us truly are) are living in a limbo state.
My mother is 79 and has just spent the last 4 months of her life locked in, without us visiting her, not even on Mother’s Day. It may very well add up to a whole year — of her few years still left — lived in that limbo state. Half lived. Half enjoyed. Scared, lonely. Very upset and frustrated trying to make the best out of it… but she’s reaching her threshold.
That scares me, and her helplessness makes me feel absolutely powerless. When I tried to ease her anger and panic and frustration — when the end of our lockdown was yet again postponed several weeks — using as many promising arguments as I myself could possibly utter, she disarmed me completely when she said that all of us (siblings, spouses, children, grandchild) have lives to live. How can you refute such a blast?!
This thing has ripped her of her last joy: having something to look forward to… tomorrow. Not in one year, not in five or ten. Tomorrow. It was hard to make her come around. In fact, I think she actually didn’t — she just made me believe so to relieve me from the immense responsibility of making her feel hopeful.
“Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any “‘how’”.
Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Even for the ones that still ‘have lives to live’, this aimless state has begun to pile up. Oh boy, it certainly has! Has it happened to you that you don’t remember what day of the week it is? Have you felt that the ‘thank God it’s Friday’ feeling is just never-ending and has lost its delight? We can cut down on the high expectations, rigorous planning, set deadlines… but give me a break! When will we get our lives back?! Our futures? Our hopes.
I guess we need to learn to keep looking forward to whats, even if not to set and fixed whens or even clear hows. We cannot wait to set goals, objectives, and aims until everything is perfect, to wake up. Then would be too late; it would find us lethargic, and behind to resume our purpose in life from there.
By there I don’t mean where our lives got stuck. Even if just mentally, there should be somewhere forward. Not so specific as to make us anxious, no. There’s no point in that, anyway. But in order to be in the forward there, I insist, let’s look for and focus on whats even if without the whens and hows. These latter ones are still beyond our power.
It is true, however, that the life we’ll encounter will not be the same; it may never be the same again. In fact, we do not quite know what it will be like. But it can be good. I truly hope it eventually is. Therefore, we can and should, somehow, keep preparing ourselves for the scenario where all is fine — however and whenever that may be — so it finds us ready and inspired.