What High-Functioning Depression Feels Like When You’re Bipolar 1
An open letter from the brink of a meltdown and beyond.
What does depression feel like? Well, coming from a person who had a choice before her prior to writing this, it feels like a lot of different things.
The choice? Either finally break down crying for the day after falling asleep with Scrivener open, thinking about every single way I was “failing”, while writhing in pain?
Or, take advantage of being awake, finally write a damn story, and do something good with all the mental pain and anguish I currently felt?
I suppose I won't really know which side prevailed until I hit publish, which I may succeed or may fail in doing today — I try to remind myself that this is OK, and you should too.
Or maybe this is one that will finally be for me. It is truly hard to say.
As long as it fucking helps, is all I really care. Whether it helps me, helps you, or fucking blue’s clues.
What does depression feel like? It feels like everything else under the sun, which is the short answer.
While the rest of this story? That would be the long answer.
I know I must be onto something here, at least for me when I tell you I genuinely did not realize I could type so fast. A wonderful person once told me that when the words fly from your fingertips, you know you’re on to a good story.
I suffer from high-functioning depressive episodes in my Bipolar 1 Disorder, so for a very long time I had no idea that was what I was experiencing. I didn’t know, because the list of the criteria for a high-functioning, depressive state is so extensive that it is near impossible to know what contributed to what disorder when you’ve got a diagnostic history like I have.
I have found that whatever sort of episode I am currently suffering from; it is almost always the one I think couldn’t be further from what I am experiencing.
List time! Here is a list of what problems my depression is the cause, or rather what it feels like to me personally —
1. Inability to stay awake OR aversion to sleep
2. Feeling as though not one soul listens to…
2a. What I have to say
2b. Any of my ideas
3. Inability to communicate what I feel, because I don’t know what I feel
4. Impostor syndrome
5. Not remembering the last time I cried, but always feeling on the verge of tears
6. Stressorexia
7. Inability to meet basic self care, and not remembering the last time I consistently had unless I was having a manic episode
8. Insomnia
9. Feeling weird and having no way to explain in what way I feel “weird”
10. Extreme Apathy
I feel as though I am lazy, and I feel as though I suck. I feel as though nobody cares at all nor do I don’t have any friends in my real life, only acquaintances I barely can even get myself the ability to talk to.
If I do talk, I am nearly always ignored… so it makes me feel like why bother trying at all?
I feel like I never make sense, just feel full of chaos. I have a damaged self-esteem, despite being successful in creating four careers for myself — before the age of 25.
I forget nearly all the things I have ever accomplished and struggle to see the good in what I do.
If someone asked me if I would rather live with arthritis or depression, I would choose arthritis every time without hesitation.
Do you know why?
I choose arthritis over depression, because with arthritis, you only deal with physical pain. In depression, you have no “one or the other”.
With depression, you WILL experience both.
With depression, you NEVER know what you are bargaining with.
With depression, it will make you feel like you’re dying on the inside, and then wear you inside out and right back in again.
This is not an exaggeration. Not one bit.
While depressed, I am constantly in a fighting fog.
While depressed, I look at my happiest and most successful.
While depressed, I see no light.
While depressed there IS no light, and I have a hugely supportive fiance.
Do you understand the picture?
If you know someone with mental illness, more specifically depression, and they suddenly start acting happier out of the blue? It probably is further from a sudden recovery than you may think, depending on the person.
Today, I choose me. I choose life, and I choose to keep fighting.
This may not even make a blip of sense to some, but for others, it could be the one story that changes everything for them, to show them they are far from alone.
If you are reading this, you are loved, and I believe in you.
I just hope that one day others can do the same for me.
Today I prevailed at eight p.m., and I know you can too, no matter how late in the day it might be.
It is never too late to choose yourself and succeed — no matter how daunting it may appear.
But for now, I think I will celebrate this brief victory with some Supernatural.
☪❤☪ Amethyst Knoxxx ☪❤☪ is an INFJ, Author in Progress, taking part in 2021’s NaNoWriMo, a Creative Writer, NSFW Adult Blogger, Poet, and Artist trying to share her stories with like-minded individuals