Weak Boundaries Making Your Life Miserable? – Here Is What To Do About it

Or why saying yes to life means saying no to Narcs

We all respect people with strong boundaries. It’s something we recognise in people at once. We see it in the way they move and talk. It’s as if they are living in a different universe from our own.

They have come to the conclusion that their right to assert their boundaries is more important than people-pleasing and worrying about what others think.

We watch in wonder and awe as we know that to be like them would overwhelm us with shame and embarrassment.

If like me, you are one of the mere mortals who have trouble with boundaries and asking for what you want, read on.

I am on a path that seems to be yielding results and below I outline exactly what tactics I am using to change. But first things first we need to get to a place of…

Acceptance

We first accept that our boundaries have holes. We can then choose to make a determined effort to plug those gaps the best way we can. —Before I used to come away from interactions angry that I had allowed my boundaries to be tested or even violated. I would say yes to things that I didn’t want to do and I would find it very hard to deny people things that they ask me for. I used to promise myself that next time would be different. It never happened. If I did say no, the pressure and guilt would come on so hard that I would often change my mind and say yes just to get rid of the feelings, leaving me back to square one. Sound familiar?

We need to reach the stage where we are angry that we are so easily walked over. Once we are here, we can then begin the process of mending our fences. We need to work out what it is that we are feeling guilty about.

Acknowledgement

We need to acknowledge that shame and guilt come from the basic idea about ourselves that we are defective or unworthy and that other people and their rights are more important than ours. Somewhere back in the day, we formulated these beliefs and were too young to rationalise.

Until we realise we are just as important as anyone else and that no one’s rights trump ours, then we will justify our weakness with delusions of empathy and selflessness. All to avoid the pain of cognitive dissonance.

We probably can’t go back and change those beliefs without a ton of psychotherapy which may take years. We don’t have years. We need to change our beliefs in the present so they’ll trickle down to the depths instead of bubbling up to the surface. It goes both ways and either work.

So now we are here, we know we have weak boundaries, we know why and we know we want to change, what do we do?

First, we write down and memorise the Personal Bill of Rights by Edmund Bourne PhD, these are our new commandments and the aim is to embrace and embody them fully. They are:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own standards and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m scared.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants to be respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

Once we have written them down we put them somewhere where we can see them all the time. Every morning before we leave the house we stand in front of a mirror and we say the whole thing with force. Get angry if you need to. Imagine you are saying them to an audience. The school teacher, the boss, the mother in law etc. Say them over and over again until you can say them backwards off by heart.

The Physical Actions

Four or five times a week go to your room lift your hands up in the air and slam them down on your bed hard and repeatedly with as much force and emotion as you can muster. Whilst doing it, say the words: “No” or “ I will not” or “never again” — allow the emotions to come up and out through your slamming.

Believe me, this is a very powerful way of bringing up your anger and your personal power which is integral to enforcing your boundaries. However silly it may feel and however much you don’t want to do it, I promise you that you will be a different person after a month of practice. You will be more in touch with your body and more aware of your rights than ever before.

The next exercise is to stand in front of the mirror and hold out your arms, palms facing forward, fingers back and splayed. Stand there like this and feel what comes up for you. Feel your boundaries, they are yours and yours alone. Look into your eyes and say no. Say it from your lower stomach, let it come from there and say it again and again. Do it until you feel the truth of it. Repeat 3–4 times a week.

A lot of things can come up when we do these exercises. The resistance will tell us what it is that’s holding us back.

Embarrassment, shame, guilt, even just thinking it’s pointless and silly all say a lot about what controls us. The trick is to push through it. Say no to whatever comes up that tries to stop you from changing.

Afterthoughts

This is not a perfect program but it will foster a desire to be expansive and unafraid. The bill of rights and the above bioenergetic exercises can be expanded upon by reading two very important books.

The first one is: ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilty’ — By Manuel J Smith PhD.

The other one is ‘The Way To Vibrant Health’ — By Alexander Lowen, the founder of Bioenergetics who is the source of the physical exercises above.

Noticing Change

Other people will notice the changes before you do. Hearing things like, “you’ve changed” and experiencing resistance by some of the people close to you will tell you that this is working. When this happens double down. The best people will stay, the ones who feed off of your weakness will leave. This shit is garlic for narcs.

You are just as important as anyone else. No more no less. Just the fact you are alive gives you just as much of a right to change, grow and say no as anyone else. This is easy to understand intellectually, but living this way is very hard. But with practice, we can. Let this be a start.