What Have You Said About Us?

And why are your children so afraid of brown and black people?

I went to senior prom with a group of friends, including “Darnella,” a white Jewish girl. Prom was held in Springfield, the brown and black town separated from my mostly white hometown by a huge stretch of highway. Darnella and I grew up in the same neighborhood with white parents, but our views about black people were miles apart. She was scared of black people. I was a black person, and I wasn’t scared of black people.

This was evident when we stopped at a gas station in our friend’s neighborhood, who lived in Springfield. I went to pump gas, and my friend “Petra” went to buy snacks.

A few brown and black men walked by the car to go into the gas station, and Darnella started to have a meltdown.

She started panting. She scrambled to lock the doors. She whipped her head from left to right like we were stuck in the railroad tracks. Being in high school, I just laughed at how over-the-top her reaction was.

But looking back on that experience, as a therapist who works in the material of the unconscious, I wonder what leads her to have such fear of black and brown men. Parents, we’re pointing at you.

Body language

Academic and psychologist Beverly Daniel Tatum (1997) talks about how parent’s nonverbal cues influence children’s ideas about race. Clutching a child closer, averting one’s eyes, moving away from a person of color all communicates distrust.

A child will think, “That person is dangerous because my parent is scared of them.” Then there are obvious racist remarks, like, “Those people are lazy, stupid, dirty.”

Mocking

In middle school, my friend’s father drove me home from a playdate. My friend kept saying to her Dad, “Do it, Dad! Do it!” and he refused, looking sheepish. I could feel the tension and knew something racist was going to happen. But my school friend insisted, “Do the impression! Do it!”

And this white man gave in and imitated the black vernacular of Muhammad Ali in one of his victory speeches. I felt tense. My friend burst into laughter. I didn’t laugh. I felt uncomfortable. I just stared at him through the rearview mirror. I swear he couldn’t meet my gaze. We both knew that his family minstrel show wasn’t private anymore.

Clamming up

When children notice or talk about race, sometimes parents shush them. This builds a fear that noticing race, or curiosity about race, equates to racism.

When I was younger, I read a comic series called For Better Or For Worse by Lynn Johnston, about a middle-class white family in Canada. One day the Enjo’s, a Japanese-Canadian family moves in next door. The clip is between the young son Michael, and his Mom Ellie. It goes something like this,

Michael: Mom, our neighbors moved in and they’re…..

Ellie: Shhhhh!

Michael: Mom, it’s really cool, the neighbors' kids came over, it’s so awesome because they’re…

Ellie: Michael, I said shhhh!!!

Michael: But… They’re my age!

Ellie looks relieved, and the two families smile.

This comic strip highlights the idea that mentioning one’s race is equivalent to insulting someone. The polite thing to do is avoid race.

Even though well-intentioned, this avoidance teaches children that race (as only belonging to people of color) is potentially a dirty secret. One should avoid dirty secrets.

In sum, when we are filled with fear, we hurt others. It’s as simple as that. To decrease our fears, we need to cross bridges, literally and figuratively. Don’t only open more books. Open more doors.

Build friendships with black and brown people. Make it a priority, not only because these friendships will enrich you.

Your fears could become the fist that punches down on people of color, a fist with the force of 500 years of history behind it.

Wield your fear carefully.

Thank you for reading!

-MJ

References”

Tatum, B.D. (1997) Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria: And other conversations about race. New York: Basic Books.