What Happens When You Take Your Autistic Child Out of School
No, you’re not being an irresponsible parent.
Yesterday we celebrated my granddaughter Amari’s tenth birthday. It was a joyful and relaxed day with a happy, chatty child who was enthralled with her gifts, and played contentedly with her new horse stable all day.
She had only one, mini-meltdown, due to not wanting anybody to sing happy birthday to her. She finds being the centre of attention overwhelming and the sight of her beautiful birthday cake with a candle to blow out was a demand too far.
Amari has recently been diagnosed with *ASD (Autistic spectrum disorder) and ADD, (attention deficit disorder) and these first ten years of her life have been challenging to say the least.
It can take a long time to understand that your child is not wired the same as other children, and that her unusual struggles with the ordinary stuff of life are because she is experiencing the world differently.
There were always indications that she was finding life challenging, and these indicators mostly showed up as fears. Fear of going to the toilet, fear of being sick, fear of public places, and as a small child, being unable to sleep at night in case there was a house fire.
Then there were social anxieties, such as going to other children’s birthday parties, and being unable to cope with noise, but most of all, fear of being separated from her long suffering mother, Roisin, to whom Amari insisted on being glued during her every waking moment.
It was hard, as a mother, to witness my daughter’s own mental health deteriorating under the stress of coping with the needs of a very unhappy child.
When she started school, her parents heaved a sigh of relief — now she would have an opportunity to stimulate her active mind, socialise with other children in a safe setting and gain some confidence outside of the home.
Leaving her mother at the school gate each day, was difficult right from the start. Kind teachers worked out strategies to help, such as coming down to meet her and personally escorting her to the classroom.
They kept an eye out for her and encouraged her to form friendships with one or two other children who were kind, and assigned her tasks to help her feel included and important.
Nonetheless, most days she came home exhausted, and then began developing stomach aches and feeling sick. It became more and more of a struggle to get her dressed and out of the house each morning.
Then Covid hit.
I’m not going to go into the detrimental effects of lockdown on the education and development of children. Much has already been written, but for children such as Amari, what seemed like a good thing to start off with — a break from mainstream education — became an impossible thing from which to bounce back.
When she returned to school after months out of the classroom, things escalated. The next year was truly terrible for her and her exhausted parents, and it was clear that things could not go on as they were.
Amari fell out with other girls who found her insistence on only wanting to play certain games annoying. She was picked on in the playground and bullied.
She developed a pathological fear of the school dining room and refused to eat with the other children. Every lunchtime was spent eating alone in the classroom with a teacher for support.
Her school day was spent entirely on managing her anxiety, and eventually her parents decided that firstly she needed to be referred for an ASD diagnosis, and secondly, most difficult, she needed to be taken out of school.
It was hard, as a mother, to witness my daughter’s own mental health deteriorating under the stress of coping with the needs of a very unhappy child. Roisin wasn’t sleeping, and was overwhelmed with the responsibility of making what seemed like impossible life choices for their daughter.
When she went to Amari’s teacher and school head, to discuss her intention to take Amari out of school, she was prepared for strong disapproval. Instead she was met with a surprising amount of support and understanding. Her classroom teacher said
‘Honestly, there’s little point in Amari being here. She’s not really learning anything because she’s spending all her energy on managing her emotions or just staring out of the window at any passing distraction.’
So, after an especially troubling week, Amari was taken out of school to be home educated and shortly after, they moved house to be closer to the support of other family members. That was a year ago, and what a year it has been.
They found a thriving network of other home schoolers in the area, and right from the start Roisin, and Amari’s father, felt supported and encouraged by other parents who had themselves, made similar choices for their own children.
Some of the kids in the group were managing neurodiversity, one or two had other disabilities, and others simply did better in small groups, or because their parents had becoming increasingly disillusioned with the way they were becoming overlooked in mainstream education.
They all get together several times each week, and the children get lots of outdoor activities, such as forest school, visits to a local farm, and library, swimming, even their own sports day. The children are thriving, happy, curious about their world and interested in each other.
As John Dewey said;
Education is not preparation for life. Education is life itself.
Amari follows a math and English programme which she does online for an hour each day. The rest of the time is spent in what Roisin calls ‘unschooling’ This means that Amari chooses what she want to learn about and everything is built around that particular interest.
Her special interest is horses, and the stuff this child has taught herself about different breeds and riding tack is astounding. She’s now doing a weekly stable management course which she is loving. To see this previously, terrified child, confidently leading a huge horse around the yard is amazing and makes us all smile.
One of the most common questions that home educators get asked is this;
‘How can children learn to socialise with other children when they’re not in school?’
Roisin rolls her eyes and laughs. She and other home schoolers know that this is a common myth that needs busting.
If you think about it, school isn’t a great place for socialisation because children are required to sit still and learn in an artificial classroom setting for most of the day, and suppress their natural inclination for spontaneous engagement with one another.
Then they’re turfed out for an enforced hour onto the playground, during which time many of them go a bit nuts due to having been confined for hours. For children such as Amari, this means trying unsuccessfully, to fit in, while managing stressful transactions that they don’t fully understand.
Amari has had more healthy socialisation within her small home education group than she ever did in school. The children are a range of different ages, from toddlers to teenagers, and they all encourage and support one another. She has lost her reticence around other children and is beginning to really enjoy hanging out with others and learning together in a child led, rather than teacher led, environment.
I can honestly say, that this has been the best decision for her and I can see how much she is thriving. The child who only recently, was too shy to interact, even with other family members — or who was bursting into tears several times a day — is now able to have interesting and articulate conversations, and is enthusiastic and engaged with the world around her.
Yes, there are still various anxieties to be managed, and this may always be the case for someone with neurodiversity, but I’m now confident in Amari’s ability to discover her unique gifts and path in life. We will all help her understand and learn to love the wonder that she is.
Progress in just one year has been remarkable, and I’m so proud of Roisin for listening to her heart and making the courageous decision to risk judgement, and put her daughter’s wellbeing above expected societal norms.
*Although Autistic Spectrum Disorder is still the terminology used in the DSM-5, many of us are beginning to use the term Autistic Spectrum Condition (ASC) because we don’t see autism as a disorder, but a difference which we are only still in the early stages of beginning to understand and appreciate.