What Happens When You Can’t Write Anymore?

Even though you desperately want to.

When I first started freelance writing, it brought me so much joy. I was so proud of myself. I had freelanced in the past, but the emphasis was always on the “free,” and even though I’ve always loved my full-time staff writer job, I also love telling stories and speaking my mind on my own terms. I started making decent money writing about all different topics, and I was so beyond thrilled. I decided that this was my life now. I would continue my full-time writer job and freelance on the side, and maybe, eventually, I could even work up to solely freelancing. I was on a roll, and nothing could stop me.

Until my depression crept in again.

It started out slowly. The number of freelance articles I would write a month started to decrease. Maybe I was just settling into a groove. There’s always a certain level of excitement when you start something new. The adrenaline was wearing off and the familiarity was setting in, and I was learning what was a reasonable output. Nothing wrong with that.

Then the number slipped a little more, and I found myself struggling to get myself to write. Not to be dramatic, but writing is what I’m meant to do; it’s part of my soul, but some days I couldn't bring myself to do it. Those days became more frequent and my freelance output continued to drop.

Eventually, I stopped writing at all.

I had been depressed during some of my freelance phase, but I’d always managed to keep going anyway. I’d known my depression was getting worse, but I tried to remind myself that if I stopped writing outside of my full-time job, I would just be even more depressed. Freelancing gave me life. Taking that away wasn’t going to help at all. Unfortunately, though, depression doesn’t listen to logic. It doesn’t listen to anything, least of all me.

I’ve had a few deep depressive spells throughout my life, and this one hit me hard. March 2022 marked the first month since September 2020 when I didn’t publish any freelance work. Every week, I tried to convince myself and my depression to start again, but I just couldn’t do it. My body physically hurt when I thought about trying. It would have taken so much energy, and all of the little energy I had in me was going towards meeting my basic needs, like feeding myself and taking walks. I wanted to write, but I just couldn’t do it.

What happens when you’re a writer who can’t write anymore? This question haunted me. I sat with the shame, the doubt, and the fear. Finally, I came out the other side with an answer.

You’re still a writer.

There are articles all over the place about how to be productive, how to write more, how if you’re going to be a writer you have to just write, constantly, and go from there. I read all of those articles and they drove me wild. Why couldn’t I be like that? Why couldn’t I just write? Sometimes, though, writing isn’t the answer. Sometimes the best way to be a writer is to stop writing.

When my depression was getting worse, I tried to keep my freelancing going at all costs, but that cost ended up being that writing started to weigh on me. The thing that brought me so much joy was becoming a burden because I just didn’t have the space for it then. I didn’t have the space for anything, really. So even though the three months where I didn’t freelance was upsetting, looking back, I can see now how necessary it was. I needed that break. I needed to step away so that I could step back again.

And now, I’ve stepped back. I’m going to try easing back into writing again. My depression is much quieter these days, and I finally feel like I have the space for it. Even though the passion for writing has flowed through my veins since I was just a kid, I am scared to try again. I’m afraid that I’ve lost my momentum. I’m afraid I’ve lost credibility. I’m afraid about a lot of things. I’m about to find out what really happens after you can’t write anymore. I’m terrified, but I’m finally ready.

A lot of you may have come to this article looking for answers to writer's block. Maybe you thought you’d find some fun ideas for how to get the juices flowing again. Or maybe, like me, your mental health has been at an all-time low and you’ve suddenly found yourself in a spot where you can’t do what you love anymore. Whatever the reason you find yourself struggling to write, I’m sorry. I feel your pain. I know how hard it is to be a writer who just can’t write. Your identity as a writer is still valid.

I do have some advice, really the best advice I can give, for when you can’t write anymore, and that’s to be gentle with yourself. Be kind. Stop trying to force something to come out and just breathe. Listen to what your body needs. Maybe you can’t write because your body needs a break. Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop writing, so that, like me, you can eventually find a way to start again.