What Happens If You Fall for a Narcissist’s Hoover
Beware, Be wary, Be alert
Don’t berate yourself if you fell for a hoover from a narcissist. It happens to the best of us.
But what happens when you do? Will the abuse return? Will they collapse and rage again if you try to leave? Will they discard you again?
It’s impossible to predict if there will be another physical discard. Narcissists do need supply, and they can cling to unhappy marriages and relationships until death, if need be.
However, in my hoovering experiences, it’s highly likely they will discard again, yes.
And not only that….the betrayal will be MUCH WORSE than last time.
When they hoover, it’s not that they’ve changed their mind and they realized they love you.
It’s more often that they realized you’re not broken enough and they need to finish the job.
Or they want revenge for you unmasking their behavior and leaving them the first time.
A good example of this hoovering cycle is a famous Borderline, Khloe Kardashian, and her narcissist partner, Tristan Thompson. She took him back after multiple cheating scandals, got him therapy, quarantined with him during Covid, decided to have a second baby with him…only to find out that he got another woman pregnant.
Her first child, he just cheated on her.
Her second, he got someone pregnant.
And she still let him live with her after his mom died. And took care of his handicapped brother.
Even if they don’t physically discard you again, the narcissist long ago emotionally discarded you.
We are so tied to each other in the physical form and the comfort that this provides us in telling us we aren’t alone that we deny how it’s possible to be in a relationship only with a ghost of someone.
All my relationships with narcissists, including familial, felt so excruciating because of that fact: they were still there, but it was as if they didn’t remember your love, see your worth, or forgive your imperfections...or care about you at all.
Without empathy, narcissists can’t attach to us internally, to our core self, our emotions, our personhood.
Narcissists attach only to the body, the physical shell.
People are only supply to regulate their emotions and get their needs met.
Their romantic and sexual supply have very short lifespans. They are only emotionally developed to the age of children, so their sexual supply is as if they’ve found a shiny new toy they must have.
Within a few months, they never play with the toy and they want new toys.
They suffer from extreme boredom.
Their supply seeking is also like a drug addiction: they develop a tolerance for one drug and need more potent drugs. This is why they cheat.
Furthermore, they project all their insecurities onto those around them, so anyone who gets close to them becomes a reflection of everything they hate in themselves, so they grow to deeply resent their partners.
All of these things combined means that it doesn’t even matter if they’re physically there: it doesn’t even matter if they never cheat again.
THEY EMOTIONALLY DISCARDED YOU A LONG TIME AGO.
You’re in a relationship with a ghost.
And it’s not even a ghost of them.
It’s a ghost of their mask, their false self.
It’s a ghost of a fantasy of love.
And the mask they wore to get you to believe the fantasy was designed after YOUR INNER CHILD.
So, essentially, you’re in a relationship with the ghost of your inner child.
I was always a sucker for a hoover. I loved a Hoover.
It hit me with such a boost of dopamine: I’d think they missed me, that they finally realized they loved me.
I’d be so enthusiastic. They seemed so too, at first.
But every single time, it would feel stale.
As an empath, I can feel the feelings of my partners, and I could feel that they were bored of me.
Narcissists convince themselves when supply is dangerously low that going back to old supply will be a comfort or a solution, but then they get there and they realize they are bored and agitated and they hate you.
Even sexually, they seem unable to please.
It’s as if you were a swig of cough syrup when the house is dry and they’re a raging alcoholic.
To me, this is the saddest thing about the disorder: that you could have someone sitting in front of you loving you with the force that people only dream of being loved, but you can’t even feel it and it means nothing to you.
It’s no wonder they are so discontent and agitated, and why borderlines like me, who’ve loved them since birth, are so deeply heartbroken.
So, beware the hoover.
Whatever hope, love, or expectations they put in you, drop all of them and put a fortress around your heart.
Because they may not leave you, but often the worst attacks from an enemy are the ones that come from the betrayals of those you trusted weren’t your enemy.
Want to learn more about breaking trauma bonds and Borderline Episodes?
Join me on Monday, January 22, 7pm-8:30pm EST for a BPD Group Healing session. This will include a lesson on an aspect of BPD, a meditation, a group share, reflection activities, and peer support. You don’t need to be formally diagnosed to attend. Topic: Breaking Trauma Bonds and Borderline Episodes. Details on my website.
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