What Happened When I Reconnected With My Soul

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Abstract

g during sleep; it was happening to me while I was wide awake and the nightmare was some real events. I started believing I do not deserve better, I can not accomplish better. So, I just accepted everything and stopped trying to do better for myself.Fast-forwarding to several years ahead, my surroundings changed and it forced me to open my eyes. I was having doubts about my choices. I recalculated all my steps, the results of them, and voila! I found my biggest pitfall. I found out it wasn’t true that I am not capable of doing better, I was forced to believe so. And if I don’t change a single component in my life, I will be forced to feel likewise my whole life. I asked myself, “What do you want to be — A genuine person showing your integrity? Or another puppet displaying the picture-perfect version following a general standard?” Well, you can guess the answer. So, I took things in my own hands and fixated all my energy in improving myself. I took a vow not to let myself feel inferior again and not to settle for anything less than I deserve.<figure id="1bb8"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*14uvdxWBNyLT8lwYI31B_g.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kamilfeczko?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Kamil Feczko</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/woman-with-bubble?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>I started my new journey with self-dependence and a new viewpoint towards my life at the age of 26. Now I am all for experiencing life and doing only things that make me feel good. There is a problem with that. Not a problem with me of course, I am fine with taking things at a slow pace and enjoying life which I wasn’t able to do for a significant time. The problem is that I have been born and brought up in a certain part of the world where a girl’s highest achievement is getting married and get “settled” within 24–25 years of age. Here “on the way to success” doesn’t mean y

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ou have a bright carrier or you are onto a pathway of achieving your dream. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in some stone age society, tons of girls are getting the highest level of education available in the country and be on their way to higher education or some dream job or entrepreneurship. Either way, most of the girls are finding ways to become financially self-dependent these days. Still, if they are not married by a certain age, she will have to be ready to hear the ultimate question “When are you getting married? / Why are you not still married?” at every place she goes, literally every place — parent’s home, relatives, friends, workplace, people she barely knows- everywhere. A lot of girls get married just for the sake of society so that they will not have to face this pressure. After getting married, society won’t care if they have anything else to pursue. In that kind of society, starting from scratch and only living for yourself at this age takes a different kind of bravery which I have discovered that I possess.So, that was my truth — discovering that I have some appreciable qualities that differentiate my personality, I have nothing to feel inferior and I am courageous enough to live on my terms in a highly judgemental society where people fear the words “what will people say?” more than living unhappily for the rest of their lives.I have decided not to bend towards society’s expectations when I know that will not make me happy. Rather I decided to listen to my soul and act accordingly, as Franz Kafka had said-“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”And that’s exactly what I have been doing for the past 2.5 years and I could not be happier for myself. I don’t exactly know what lays in the future but I can assure you that I did the best thing for myself without any regrets, and I will continue to follow my values without any hesitation.</article></body>

Will you take the chance to discover your truth?

People say truth is boring. But I have found truth can be a quite fascinating subject to talk about. All religions in the universe preach about the supremacy of honesty or holding the truth upright proudly. But the question is truth about what? I think before knowing the secrets of the universe, you need to discover your own secret, your truth.

I have a confession to make — I lie. I have lied for a long long time, but to myself. For an unknown period, I have lived in some darkness — not knowing the true identity of myself, actually, the term should be not acknowledging. Up until 18/19 years of age, I didn’t have a tiny bit of headache about the real world. Well! Who does? I was peacefully doing my study keeping tab with occasional hobbies. I was looking forward to walking into a big, competitive world alone. I wasn’t nervous, I was pretty excited about it. But somehow I got distracted and chose a wrong path that wasn’t mine to take. I started doing horrible at things which usually I am good at. All those hopes, all those dreams I had in myself since childhood got shattered with a touch of reality. Although within a very short duration I realized this is not supposed to be the trail of my life, I was unable to break free and find my true spirit.

You live long enough in a nightmare, you start believing that those events are a part of your real-life. That happened to me. The only difference is that my nightmare wasn’t happening during sleep; it was happening to me while I was wide awake and the nightmare was some real events. I started believing I do not deserve better, I can not accomplish better. So, I just accepted everything and stopped trying to do better for myself.

Fast-forwarding to several years ahead, my surroundings changed and it forced me to open my eyes. I was having doubts about my choices. I recalculated all my steps, the results of them, and voila! I found my biggest pitfall. I found out it wasn’t true that I am not capable of doing better, I was forced to believe so. And if I don’t change a single component in my life, I will be forced to feel likewise my whole life. I asked myself, “What do you want to be — A genuine person showing your integrity? Or another puppet displaying the picture-perfect version following a general standard?” Well, you can guess the answer. So, I took things in my own hands and fixated all my energy in improving myself. I took a vow not to let myself feel inferior again and not to settle for anything less than I deserve.

I started my new journey with self-dependence and a new viewpoint towards my life at the age of 26. Now I am all for experiencing life and doing only things that make me feel good. There is a problem with that. Not a problem with me of course, I am fine with taking things at a slow pace and enjoying life which I wasn’t able to do for a significant time. The problem is that I have been born and brought up in a certain part of the world where a girl’s highest achievement is getting married and get “settled” within 24–25 years of age. Here “on the way to success” doesn’t mean you have a bright carrier or you are onto a pathway of achieving your dream. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in some stone age society, tons of girls are getting the highest level of education available in the country and be on their way to higher education or some dream job or entrepreneurship. Either way, most of the girls are finding ways to become financially self-dependent these days. Still, if they are not married by a certain age, she will have to be ready to hear the ultimate question “When are you getting married? / Why are you not still married?” at every place she goes, literally every place — parent’s home, relatives, friends, workplace, people she barely knows- everywhere. A lot of girls get married just for the sake of society so that they will not have to face this pressure. After getting married, society won’t care if they have anything else to pursue. In that kind of society, starting from scratch and only living for yourself at this age takes a different kind of bravery which I have discovered that I possess.

So, that was my truth — discovering that I have some appreciable qualities that differentiate my personality, I have nothing to feel inferior and I am courageous enough to live on my terms in a highly judgemental society where people fear the words “what will people say?” more than living unhappily for the rest of their lives.

I have decided not to bend towards society’s expectations when I know that will not make me happy. Rather I decided to listen to my soul and act accordingly, as Franz Kafka had said-

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

And that’s exactly what I have been doing for the past 2.5 years and I could not be happier for myself. I don’t exactly know what lays in the future but I can assure you that I did the best thing for myself without any regrets, and I will continue to follow my values without any hesitation.