What Happened When I Opened Our 38-Year Marriage

Chronicle of an Open Marriage #39

The most momentous decision I made recently was to open our marriage of 38 years. The reason was sex. My husband wanted too much of it, and when he didn’t get it, he grew distant and cold. To make matters worse, he wouldn’t woo me in ways that made me eager to play. He said he was too shy. So there were no sweet nothings whispered into my ear. No moist kisses on my sensitive neck. No gentle caresses around my shoulders or waist. There was just his stark need and my failure to fill it.

To me, it seemed we’d been having this sexual disconnect for decades. Things weren’t going well. So one day when we were having the same argument for the gazillionth time, teetering on the brink of that apocalyptic divorce that often seemed to be shimmering on the horizon, I asked him to seek sex outside the marriage. But there was a catch. I wanted him to try having sex with men.

That wasn’t an idea I pulled out of my hat. As I mentioned before, my husband is extremely shy, and up until a year and a half ago, when we opened our marriage, I was the only lover he’d ever had. Yet I knew he’d had inklings of homosexual attraction before we met in college. Could those inklings be the source of our discord? Could they be the reason for our sexual disconnect? Was it possible that my husband was actually gay? We didn’t know. But after raising our kids and transitioning into retirement, where we were alone together 24/7 and our disharmony magnified, we were ready to find out.

How Am I Supposed to Do That?

At first my husband scoffed at the proposal. “How am I supposed to do that? I can’t even talk to strangers. How am I supposed to have sex with them?”

“There are apps for that now,” I told him. He installed Grindr on his phone within minutes and had a date within days.

It was rocky at first. Of course it was. After I made the suggestion, I worried about what would result. I had thought that limiting my husband’s extramarital sex to men would keep my insecurities in check. It didn’t. I worried that I was subconsciously giving up on our marriage. Was my suggestion just smoke and mirrors? Were we in fact hurtling toward the divorce cliff? Perhaps. But I decided that ultimately, I needed to know if my husband was gay. We both did. And if he could be happier with someone else — with a man — then it would be best for us both to know that, and the sooner the better. I was 66 already. We’d been married for 38 years.

So we put up a few guardrails and powered ahead.

1. We decided the experiment would last for a year. At that time, we’d reassess and decide what we wanted to do next.
2. Either one of us could call it off at any time.
3. No lying. Complete transparency was mandatory. Any question I wanted to ask, he would answer.
4. We would find a good marriage counselor, preferably a gay man who could tell us things we might not know about that lifestyle, and who approved of Ethical Non-Monogamy. I didn’t want to be told that our experiment must end. I wanted our lives to change because of it.

A Few Surprising Outcomes

At the time of this writing, our marriage has been open for a year and five months. The one-year marker came and went without discussion. We didn’t need a discussion. We knew we wanted to continue. Both of us are happier in the new arrangement — by leagues. Why?

I’ve been writing about our experiences throughout. So if you want a blow-by-blow account to see how it all unfolded, you can find them all in chronological order here.

But if you want it boiled down, here are the biggest things that have improved since we opened our marriage:

1. We go to counseling twice a month on Zoom. This may seem unrelated to opening our marriage, but it’s unlikely that we would have made the effort, got it going, and spent the money, without taking the big leap into Ethical Non-Monogamy. The change felt so radical that we knew we would need help. Our counselor is a man whom we both like and trust who is teaching us how to end some of our destructive behavior patterns. It feels like our marriage is leveling up.
2. My husband gets as much sexual attention as he desires. It makes him a happier person overall.
3. I have experienced a sexual awakening myself. All those years I thought my husband had a stronger sex drive than I did? Turns out, it was mostly an emotional problem. I needed more tenderness than he was providing. And I’m getting that now, mostly from another man who has become a regular part of our lives. His attention delights me. My husband is becoming sweeter, too.
4. We’ve learned that my husband is bisexual; he enjoys sex with men but also with women; he doesn’t want to leave our marriage and start a new life with someone else. He’s always loved me and continues to do so; and now that we’ve opened our marriage, he’s happier day to day which makes him easier to live with. The underlying fear that one day he’d fall out of the closet is gone. The pressure I’d felt to meet all his sexual needs is dissipating.
5. We’ve met a bisexual man whom we both enjoy hanging out with, both in the bedroom and out, so our stale old couple is morphing into a fresh new “throuple.” He doesn’t live with us, but he comes over to our place three times a week or more, often eating dinner and sometimes spending the night, so he’s very present in our lives. Having this third person in our relationship highlights the weak spots. We see ourselves through his eyes, and we want to look good, so we continue to change our relationship for the better.

So many things have changed in the past year and a half! It’s hard to list them all. I’ve come to think of myself as sexy again, for one. That’s fun and invigorating and feels very healthy. I also have a new perspective on aging. Even though I’m 68 now, that doesn’t mean I’m asexual or unattractive or closed to new experiences. In fact, this seems a perfect age for taking risks and trying new behaviors, since the children are grown and the decisions I make won’t affect them in any significant way. My experiences are so fresh, it feels like I’m in my 20's again, except I’m post-menopausal, so don’t need to worry about pregnancy. What a relief! And being retired gives me the time I need to philosophize about my life: consider where it is now, where it’s going, and where I want it to go in the time I have left.

At the moment, I want my life to go towards pleasure. I’ve worked so hard all my years, striving to raise my children well, and make money, and nurture my marriage; to do a good job at work; to shed guilt and shame and develop my character; to pursue my art; to keep the extended family happy and harmonious; and to create a good home. That was exhausting! Now that I’m 68, I’m ready for some rest and relaxation. And I’m finding that having two husbands is giving me that. The funny thing is, I made the decision to open our marriage in the first place to benefit my husband. But now I’m finding that it benefits me. And I’m glad of that.

What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #40. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a triple good day.