What Happened to Our Communication Skills?
Here are 5 tips to dust them off
We have lost the art of communicating — no, really communicating with one another. We are so accustomed to shelling out short-form comments (in texting, tweeting, or with limited characters in TikTok comments) and we’ve forgotten how to understand one another.
With politics as a model, our communications have become more combative and polarized and we care more about making our point and “winning” than we do in compromising or seeing things from another’s perspective.
Social media has shaped us into exhibitionists who need constant validation (through feedback and comments) in order for us to feel okay about ourselves.
Participation trophies and encouragement to “follow your dreams” and “speak your truth” have turned a lot of us into solipsistic assholes who believe we are entitled to whatever we want (regardless of efforts on our part — or lack thereof) and we expect the world to fall at our feet. We treat service workers terribly if they set boundaries, and expect them to make an exception for us, just this one time. Except that it's never just this one time.
In part thanks to the anonymity of hiding behind a keyboard, we aren’t shy about sharing our opinions and don’t care who it hurts.
We’ve become mean and acerbic to one another online, and that is carrying over into our romantic relationships.
My partner and I both have exes who felt “duty-bound” to share their thoughts, but instead of adhering to the brilliant poet Rumi’s principle of The Three Gates, they would blurt out whatever they thought, no matter how unkind or unnecessary.
“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’
At the second gate ask, ‘Is it necessary?’
At the third gate ask, ‘Is it kind?’”
~ Rumi
“That shirt looks ridiculous on you. It’s all wrinkled and doesn’t lay right,” my boyfriend’s ex-wife snapped (years before they split).
When he recoiled, she shrugged. “What? I’m just speaking the truth and calling it like I see it. You can go out looking like that if you don’t care what people think but I won’t stand next to you. How embarrassing!” She rolled her eyes and laughed meanly and he felt belittled.
Do you know what she could have done instead? She could have said, “Hey babe. Your shirt is wrinkled but we have time to iron it before we leave. Do you want me to do that for you?” She could have smoothed out the wrinkles with her hand or adjusted how the shirt hung on his frame. Or she could have let it go, realizing the world would not end if he went out in a wrinkled shirt.
She could have kept her thoughts to herself.
My ex prided himself on his directness. It often came across as high-handed and know-it-all (and he wondered why he didn’t have friends) but he would just shrug and say, “Well, it’s true. I’m only saying it because I have the best intentions.”
I know words have power. I know they linger long after the speaker has forgotten what they said. I know words can echo for years, reminding the recipient of all the ways they were judged and found lacking. Words have wounded me far more deeply than any fist or weapon ever has.
I have always tried to choose my words and my tone carefully. I (usually) think about what I’m going to say long before it leaves my mouth and I often felt hurt by the thoughts flitting out of my ex’s mouth. When I would share that something hurt my feelings, he accused me of being too sensitive (it’s possible; I am very sensitive) and complained that I was always assuming the worst, even when I took his words at face value.
These instances just illustrate that when it comes to effective diplomatic communication in relationships, we still have a long way to go.
BUT! Here are 5 tips we can implement to enhance our communication and foster a better connection with all our relationships (and not just our romantic ones).
- Rephrase and repeat what you’ve heard the other person say, and ask “Is this what you meant?” Seek to gain understanding through clarity. This will reduce us leaping to conclusions about ambiguous comments, and might just make them aware of how something sounds once spoken out loud. It’s possible they didn’t realize how mean it would sound.
- Assume the best intentions of your partner. Assume they don’t want to hurt you (unless you have evidence to the contrary), and ask how they thought this comment would help, or what is their intended outcome. Be curious and open.
- Share how a comment makes you feel (and don’t just use the words, “I feel” to share what you think). We often say things like, “I feel like you don’t want to be seen in public with me,” when that’s really just a story we are inferring and telling ourselves. The feelings associated might be shame, loneliness, and confusion. Share those instead. People might argue with the story you’ve inferred, but they can’t tell you that you aren’t feeling a certain way.
- Pay attention to the words you speak, and the tone with which you speak them. If you have misphrased something, it’s okay to correct yourself.
- Check what you want to say with Rumi’s three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Only speak if the answer to all three is a resounding, “YES.”
It’s never too late to be more thoughtful, caring, and kind to one another. And right now, we all need that. ❤
