What Emotions Do You Find it Hardest to Accept Within Yourself?

This question is actually very deep and emotional for me, this is why I will respond sober to this, or else, I would probably cry all over the phone while writing it.

I used to be the type of kid who would be scared to raise his hand in the classroom thinking his answer will surely be wrong, and it was always the correct answer.

I used to walk 2 km longer on foot to get to the school just so I can avoid any contact with people, colleagues, anything that could breathe in the same rhythm like me.

I used to get bullied at school almost every day for pathetic reasons, but I forgave them all.

I used to play football only in defense fearing that if I would play in offense, then I would have too much responsibility and I could get even more bullied for not scoring a goal.

I used to get beaten up in internet cafés close to police sections, and I couldn’t go to tell them what happened to me.

I used to give so much without ever receiving back that I forgot how it feels.

I used to remember everything that ever hurt me, because it’s easy to remember when you never forget, only forgive.

I used to do Karate until I had a blue belt, but I was still ashamed to do the KIAI (the short shout when hitting) because of how bad it could sound.

This is the hardest emotion I could ever accept that I have, and it all began with me not having a father.

Not having someone yell at me when I was being a pussy.

Someone who could teach me how to say NO.

Someone to rely on whenever I was afraid.

Someone to make a soldier out of me.

I am 27 now, and I managed to get rid of these fears, shames, and emotions by myself and only by myself, not 100%, but I still work on it.

So I thank you father, for not being present, I thank you for being the example for me, an example of how I should never be!

This letter should be stopped here because there are too many things to say and I want to drink some wine without drama.